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Another Session

Dr. Nobody- I'm a freeking mess.  My marriage is- well regrettably strained at the moment, because i am so unhappy with my life where it is- and where it looks to be going. 

I almost left, then when it started to feel a lot like dying i changed my mind.  Not necessarily because i thought it could be saved, but becausei realized that if this marriage cant be saved well neither can i be.  I can't just run away when i think that things are too hard. 

Some days i guess there's hope.   Other days i wonder just what kinda crack i was smoking that made me think that there is anything here for me.

Not to mention the whole _love_ gig.  I've fallen in love again, not that its at all unusual for me, but there it is.  That doesn't mean I'm being a scandalous cheating woman, cuz I'm not just not that way, promises are promises... but wow does that add a whole dimension on the whole hopeless loneliness thing.  It's not your typical kinda love anyways, at least HE knows that there's nothing more than some beautiful words typed on a screen a million miles away... at least i hope.  And then, of course that just gives me a whole different dimension of things to obsess over when I'm not feeling well.

I'm so seriously PHUCKED.... and while I'm working hard to make it turn around, working with my hubby to see what i can do with this life to make me more content at the very least  i just don't know.  I get tired of pushing this damn rock up the hill ya ken?

I don't even feel like a woman anymore- i don't have any desire ... well rather i don't have any desire in a healthy or acceptable outlet.  At least that isn't new- its been there since the arch Nemesis carved out a little piece of me and took it away with him.

The night terrors that i thought were gone forever after my dream self slayed my demons, well they've returned and my dream self is no more up to the challenge than i am.

On top of it all- i dont have ANYBODY to talk to about this sort of thing.  People wouldn't understand, and really how could they- i hardly do.   I'm sure they would either judge my feelings (which ive never had control over) or try to direct my actions, which im not really ready to do anything with.

Don't you have any productive advice??

Of course not-

Shierke Shierke 26-30, F Jun 3, 2009

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