Session Eight: You Suck, Dr. Nobody
Having a VERY BAD time right now. The following contains potential triggers and a very bad attitude, offensive language, and highly disturbing sentiments. NOT for the faint-hearted. You have been warned.
*grudgingly walks into Dr. Nobody's office, settles in an armchair* Long time, no see, Doc.
*startled, looks up from notepad with a snort* Indeed. What brings you in today, Jessie?
That would be Jess, not Jessie. I've devolved into something less than I was intended. Hence the process of dropping letters from my name... *looks down at hands, picks at fingernails*
And how does that make--
"--you feel?" *mocking, looks up with fiery eyes, pissed that he's once again asked the hated question. Eyes narrow as an answer is issued to him.* I'll tell you, Doctor. It makes me angry. I am so angry all the time that I just don't know what to do with myself. It SUCKS to wander through life with a fake smile plastered on one's face when on the inside they're seething, hating, wanting to destroy everything around them! Never a break, never a moment to breathe, never a second of clairty or peace or serenity or anything real that lasts! My mind is in a fog and I can't remember things and I'm having paranoia issues even though they're not real they're real for me and it doesn't matter and nobody understands and I'm so ANGRY... *bursts into tears and sags to the floor in front of the chair, hides behind hands*
I see. *scribbles furiously on notepad*
*continues sobbing, begins rocking back and forth*
*silence fills the room, the doctor uncrosses his legs and leans forward across his desk as offers a box of Kleenex*
*ignores him, tries to regain control. The tears begin to subside.* All that I have ever tried to do is be a good person and do what is right. I don't understand why things happen the way they do. I'm through trying to understand! I know now that it's a dog-eat-dog world and that world is full of ******* and I'm the only person who's ever going to care enough to look out for me because I'm not worth anyone else's time. And it doesn't matter what I do or say or think or feel, it's never going to change...
*leans back in his chair, crosses his arms; his voice drips with a mix of sarcasm and mockery as he speaks* What has you so worked up this time, Jess?
The inner workings of our so-called justice system! I'm thirty years old, never been in trouble, never hurt anyone, never done anything cruel or hateful out of spite--none of it! HE'S the same age with a record as long as a giraffe's neck and enemies out the wazoo and he walks around life with a stupid, ignorant grin on his face as he dances around hurting every woman he meets! I worked with him, he assaulted me, the sheriff's office did NOTHING! Nothing. Because he admitted what happened, but he said it was consensual. No proof, no crime. That's f^cked up. It was he-said, she-said. I got over it, I moved on, I forgave and tried so hard to forget... Quit my job, locked myself in the house. Dropped the charges so I could go forward in life again and not have to think about it anymore--you know denial has always been my choice medication. Next thing I know, I'm charged with a Class I misdemeanor, unable to get a job, having to face it all all over again! They've subpoenaed the bastard, and my former best friend who's in a relationship with him. They have the video statement I gave, two days after the event, no sleep for forty-some hours--of course I'm hysterical and emotional and not making sense! A mess. And my lawyer tells me, "He's a sociopath. He's going to walk into that courtroom, dressed all nice and proper. He's going to take the stand. His facade of charm and supposed humility is going to woo the entire room. We're going to watch your statement--ALL OF US. They're going to ask you questions, make you relive it, harass you into hysterics all over again. Or, you can plead no contest--guilty verdict, it goes on your record, but you don't have to go through the mental hardship of a trial. What do you want to do?" "I don't want to go to jail!" "I will see what I can do..." (time passes, two days later he calls) "No jail, just a fine, possible probation, no trial." "Whatever." I will not find a job again; nobody hires a "liar". My life is over. This is why women don't bother reporting rape. This is why men rape and get away with it. I got raped by this man, and I got totally f^cked by this system. And I'm angry, and I'm bitter, and it's the worst thing in the world to say but I really hope that the prosecuting DA gets raped and winds up exactly the same f^cking way that I have. THAT is the only justice to which I can look forward now.
*eyes wide, mouth ajar* What about God, Jessie? Where does God fit into all of this?
*scoffs* God. Don't even ask me about God. What God? Man has killed God and replaced him with the government. F^ck "God." F^ck you. F^ck everything, and everyone! I JUST WANT TO BE DEAD. I'm too much of a chicken-sh!t to kill myself. Where's the bus hurtling down the street that will kill me? Where's the drunk driver who'll run me off the road? Where's the misfiring gun next door that will rip my guts out? Where's my ex to slit my throat and gouge out my eyes?
You suck, Dr. Nobody.