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Where Have You Been Hiding?

 You've been avoiding me lately shierke  why do you think that is?

I've been in hiding. Not really from you specifically, mostly from myself. Honestly i don't know if I'm ready to be out of hiding yet.  i know that pretending I'm okay isn't really working out... but i don't WANT to fall apart. i cant afford to.  There's nobody but me to pick up the pieces.

What's all this "falling apart business about"

Like today.. i had an excellent day, i woke up feelin good, well rested had a decent day at work then i made one itty bitty mistake- that was not really a big deal as much as a difference of opinion and I'm suddenly weighted down by all this stress.  I feel a little bit like i am going to explode into a lot of tiny little pieces at the same time- i feel like i CANT.. do it.. not wont cant.. i just cant crack enough to cry and let some of this out- and if i DID manage to cry about it id just feel like a washcloth that had been wrung out too many times...  i really want to cut- but i know it would make me feel worse rather than better too...

I feel like crap... and i need to be pushed into venting it all out but the person i depend on right now is very unreliable.

why haven't i heard about this person before?

Cuz i don't really need anybody to tell me about how stupid I'm being, especially since i don't have any plans to change that behavior right now.

What makes you say you are being stupid about him?

Well I've written about my sadist before I'm sure. And the relationship really isn't the healthiest thing ever.  I mean i keep breaking my heart against it over and over again and i cant.. no i don't WANT to stop doing it. 

It's unfair for me to be angry at him for it- because i knew what i was getting into when i did it, but i did it anyway because i needed him. I still need him and i doubt i will ever stop needing him.

Why do you think you need him?

Nobody has made me feel the way he does.  Like- he's f*cked up like i am so i know he's not going to judge me even when I'm a scandalous b!tch on occasion.  I know that even if i **** him off he's always going to forgive me. We've had similar trauma experiences, so he knows what i need sometimes without me having to tell him- which is good because I'm not good at understanding my needs let alone communicating them. I like that i don't have to forever explain everything because he already knows.  it took a long time for me to open up to him right... but I've never felt so comfortable and safe with anybody in my entire life....  and i know for a fact that even though he's being flake right now he wont ever disappear from my life.

And the other stuff.  Even when we are doing some serious intense **** (like we do upon occasion)  i know that knows "my spots"  and my face, and everything and i know that he wont push me any further than i need to be pushed... and man do i need to be pushed.

And i want it to work out the way i want it to work out... so bad that it hurts more than he could ever hurt me when he's not there when i want him to be.

and I'm terrified that I'll never ever feel that way again.

Hrmm... i dont know what to tell you there, you're gonna do what you wanna no matter what i say anyhow.

D@mn straight

Anything else stressing you out?

Sh!t- it'd be easier to make a list of the things that AREN'T stressing me out.  I'm divorced and now i have to pay child support which I'm trying to figure out how to add in my budget...

my kitty is in foster care and as ridiculous as it sounds this is the most stressful thing for me EVER... because with everything falling apart around me my cat is the most important thing in my head.  i know its not the most important thing but its the thing that hurts the worst. i don't know what I'll do when i run out of places to put her if i don't have my own place by then.  and i NEED her.. i need her here now ....  i cant explain it sounds stupid.

and i miss my kid... soo much but at the same time i feel ridiculously guilty cuz part of me is relieved that i don't have all that to stress about all the time, like i am getting a part of my life back and i know i shouldn't feel that way.

And i like living with my parents but at the same time i hate it because my dad is trying to run my life like I'm a teen when it comes to the important decisions and i wanna make them on my own..

and i wanna be able to drink and smoke pot occasionally and have male (or female) company if i want... and i feel like I'm just boxed up... and i feel like i cant fall apart here AT ALL cuz they wouldn't know how to deal with it and they'd just **** me off trying to figure it out, because they've NEVER known how to help me..

And I'm trying to go on and built friendships and restart my life but i feel like I'm building on sand and every time the wind blows i have to strain to hold everything together... because when it boils down to it at the very least I'm lying to myself all the time just trying to feel good and be ok with everything...

but i don't WANT TO BE OKAY with everything i wanna be pissed off and cry all i want without anybody crawling up my *** about it- at the same time (contradicting myself) i want support when I want support and i wanna be left alone when i wanna be left alone.. and i have no idea how to communicate that without sounding like a *****

and then there's my job.. I LIKE my job, but its stressful and I'm new and they don't so much train you as throw you in and see if you are going to drown, and i mess up sometimes and i know I'm not doing my best and i feel stupid and useless and inadequate because i don't have enough experience under my belt... and really there's nothing to do about that stress but wait it out and it frustrates me and makes me upset because i wish i could have had adequate training, but there really is no training for this sort of job.

Anything else?

i LOVE my friend Lev- and he's in horrible pain sometimes and i cant help him, and i cant talk to him about all my things because I'm worried about crashing his system but really i wish he wants far away because i just wanna snuggle... but then eventually the sexual tension between us would be pressure to be more intimate than i am ready to be with him... and it wont be him putting the pressure on but me..because sex is easy everything else is hard

beyond that

Mr nobody- i might have spilled my guts

but i still don't like u

 

Shierke Shierke 26-30, F Jan 18, 2010

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