Let's Talk

Hi Dr.  Before you say anything just let me talk okay?

You know the woman who swallowed the bird to swallow the spider that swallowed the fly? 

I AM that woman... no i don't go around swallowing live animals.. but i try to layer one thing on top of another.. and really i think Ive been doing so my whole life.

I went from boyfriend to boyfriend in HS trying to escape the pain of what happened to me as a child.. I cut i did everything i could think of to cover up that pain.  until college- where i picked one who knew exactly how to take advantage of all the parts of me i was ignoring...

then, i ran from that right into the arms of another *sshole who damaged me forever.  And when i was running from that... i got married.. to a man, a good man who just wanted to help me...

but he couldn't fill that space in me because it was never empty and i had to run away from that...

and ... no matter what i do i just keep hurting.  It's gotten to the point where i don't need anybody else to hurt me I'm more than capable of doing it on my own...

My whole life- Ive tried to fill myself with surface things, a superficial relationships, lovers... bad habits.. vices.. all escapes within escapes...

And i want it to stop.  I wanna quit covering up all the things that Ive tricked myself into thinking I've dealt with. I wanna quit hiding underneath openness and goodwill...

at least the greatest part of me does.

The rest of me.... i just wanna keep running. And really most the time the running part wins because i DONT want to change too...

luckily there's still a part of me that is rational and tells me that even though running away is an attractive thought.. ITS NOT HELPING...

of course... the rest of me really isn't too much weaker than the greater part of me.. and even though i wanna stop running... i don't..

i don't want to look in the mirror and see what Ive done to myself.... I don't even really want to think about it.. Ive perfected the art of avoiding it...

but i want to change.  That's a start right??

Dr Nobody sets down his pen, looks up over his glasses... in a way that DOES NOT show contempt for a change.  "Maybe, you might actually get somewhere."

Thanks... I'm going to go for now.