Starting Again

I went to therapy for two years. The moment my therapist and I decided we were done, I thought I was done. I thought I was healed. Boy, was I wrong...

Monday I went to see another therapist who specializes in sexology, because that's what bothers me most now. But they way I felt and behaved during that half hour of discussion - it was just a preliminary discussion - has come to show me that those two years have only scratched the surface. I won't deny they helped. They did, a lot. I learned a lot about myself and the mechanisms that move me and keep me alive. But the traumas.. I don't think I even touched them. They're still there, bleeding, oozing wounds that hurt me to the core each time I try to heal them.

I am aware that I am one step closer, though. When I went to my first therapist I was completely numb. I would tell her what happened and not feel a thing. Not like something that happened to another person, because I usually feel for the pain of others. It was just something my subconscious refused to acknowledge, refused to take in. And this is why I was numb.

This time, I was trembling really hard, to the point that my teeth clattered, and couldn't stop fidgeting. Again, my nervous laugh took over. Every time I would talk about something that hurt me I would laugh. Yep, I do that. The therapist told me this is a sign I am not healed. I have an unnatural response to hurt. Actually, it's natural if you take trauma into consideration, but it's not natrural for a healed person.

I am going to start this thursday. I know it will be hard, even brutal some days, but I know it's the only way and I will come out better out of this.
Mapping Mapping
26-30, F
1 Response Jan 8, 2013

"If you're going through hell, keep on going", a good man once said. :)