Dear Mom:

Your ********* husband ******* ruined my life. When I said I had bad dreams when you weren't home I was really trying to say my life is a bad dream..I wanted to tell you about a thousand times, but I didn't want to cause you to be unhappy.I tried so many times to just open up to you because you always say you can't understand why I'm like this, but you just shut me down every time I start trying to let you know, and it's like **** I feel like I'm 8 years old again and I'm begging you to stay home from work it's just useless. You say what a disappointment I am...well mom the feeling is mutual. I'm sorry my drinking is a source of embarrassment for you, well ****, think about how it impacts my life, I don't want to be this person I just can't get my head together. I'm feeling legit ****** for life at this point. Why the **** didn't you just help me. I really, I can't do this any more I can't even function it's like a kick to the face everytime I see you, "I wish you'd just clean up your act"..yup me too..I've tried I keep trying for some stupid reason, and look where it's got me Saturday night typing about feelings on the internet. I wish you would just help me I don't know what else to do.

randomkid88 randomkid88
22-25, M
3 Responses May 20, 2012

DONT LET IT BEAT YOU. DO T LET HIM WIN. I realized when it happened to me years ago that it would never go away. Every now and then it comes to mind and I lock it away. I decided the best attitude is to rise above it. Other wise you loose. You go deeper. You do drugs and alcohol and use it as an exscuse. Be strong and try to help others in the same situation . YOU CAN WIN

I want to,I try really hard and I can't I am not strong like some people.i don't want to be an addict but I can't function in my own self if I'm sober

Not true. I did all that. It catches up to you and before you know it you've lost another 10 years of your life. You get drunk and think about it and talk about it. The dependency becomes a crutch. You need to change your pattern. You have to stop hangin with those people at those places. Start by working two jobs. Keep yourself busy so u don't have time to fall in that pit. Tell your bids sorry but I need to save money and turn it around. Sounds like your in a rut In that town. If your not going to school then the cash will help you get to school . Your buds love the party guy but at the end of the night you have to live with yourself - they aren't there to help you. Set some goals and think about comming out on top. Prove to that low life that did this to you that he can't win. You just need to find the catalist to remind you when your breaking down

I'm going to start cutting back on the pill I take that aren't prescribed to me. I can't detox and work is the only ****** thing. I don't actually have friends,I have social anxiety I go to work and shuffle around some how manage not to get fired and then go home,take a handful of benzo down some vodka and fall asleep been doing that about 3 years every single day

Ok first thing is to own up to your addiction. Face it head on dude. My family is full of addiction so I understand. Cut down slowly on the benzo and cut the vodka with water. You can't do it over nite but you can do it. When you really put your mind to it you might be surprised. The key is to fight off the weak times- when something goes wrong it's so easy for the devil to temp you. Just remember a craving is a brain pulse. It lasts for around 30 seconds. When you get a craving remind yourself it only lasts 30 seconds so do something to occupy your mind. You can message me anytime. God saved my life. I don't believe in the church as much as I believe in the bible. It is my rock and makes me feel good. It is the book of life and tells you how to live. My mother and father were big drug addicts and my dad still alcoholic. My brother was living on the streets as an alcoholic until he was 45. He finally made it clean but wasted his life from it. I have gone through years of alcohol and pot addiction growing up. I faught through it and graduated from college in my 30's. I guess I'm trying to say that allot of people have problems and have to find a way to work through it. You have to take one step at a time. Do you have any family? Maybe you can move in with a family member to help ground you

Thankyou,I have wanted to be "normal" or something like that.
I don't have family other than
My mom and I can't live there with him. I wish I could so my mom could take care of me. That's lame but it's the truth. She would just dump me with Chris all the time and say I needed a man to help me grow up umm I'm rambling I'm sorry.

Then you need to invite her to your place alone for dinner. Sounds like she's dependant on that ***. Start getting her to come over once a week on the same nite and go from there. Hopefully you can do two nites then maybe 3. You could go to movies one nite a week. Message me anytime

She actually hates me, and she hasnt talked to me in like 2 years. I sometimes talk to this lady at my work. I am alone because of how I am I did this all to myself

Time heals all. One day she will want to see you. Why can't you go to a church and talk to someone. Even better take up a hobby. You'll meet people with same interests

It's good to have someone in your corner. Sounds like you really need to initiate change

I'm scared to be around people, sometime I throw up on my way to work because I'm so nervous to go be around people. I do need a change and I actually did cut back on the banzo today,I feel good so far no withdrawl or anything. I am trying and I have been trying for a while now.. One step at a time I guess

7 More Responses

I've thought about a lot of things. I don't even ******* care usually just every now and then I get into a special place of self loathing

I responded on one of your other writings. I wrote about NLP therapy. Your pain is palpable, is very real and you definitely need a release from it ( I know: duh, really?...I sometimes have the remarkable ability of stating the obvious) On the other comment I wrote that I thought you suffered from PTSD. I just read this "letter to mom" and now I'm sure of it. Half the battle is knowing who or what the demon is that you're fighting. Alcohol and drugs (if you use drugs) is the attempt at "self medication"...Works for a while (very short term) and of course leads to another diagnosis... but hell, who'd blame you for giving substances a try. You know, desperate problems call for desperate measures... I feel for you. I walked a little bit in the same pair of shoes as you but seriously I don't think I could have withstood the abuse that comes thru when I read between the lines. You're a pretty strong person. That's your "start point"...believe in your strength. I beg you to please find a good NLP therapist or find a therapist who specializes in trauma therapy. I can't wait to see how you are when all those demons have been put to rest.

I live in a **** hole town I'm not sure if those kinds of therapists even exiist here

Well, yeah...I understand...But then again I live in the "same town"'s just located in a different state and there are some therapists like that here that would fit the bill. Do you live near a college or university town/city? There's a better chance of finding a trauma therapist or NLP therapist in those types of places than in "tiny town, USA"...but I reckon you won't know till you have the time to scout around either on line or in the phone book. Anyway...Just don't let that ******* ruin your life twice (once by his actions and twice by not finding a counsellor) At this point in your existence maybe any counselor would be a good start. You might also check the laws in your state to see if there's any legal recourse you may have. Start with your county's prosecuting attorney. If you can't do anything in criminal court you could still do something in civil court.
If you wanna talk more, feel free to private message me here. Harry