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My People

My solitude is something important I guard. I cannot be healthy without alone time to be myself, with myself. Sometimes I just withdraw from everything because I don't want anything to do with the world anymore; it's overwhelming.

I'm grateful for my friends because they understand me, and the parts of me that they (or even I myself) don't understand, they forgive and they're gentle & kind with me. There are some very rotten elements to who I am, things which aren't helpful, which are detrimental, which I would prefer were different and which confuse & frustrate me. My friends don't grow angry, annoyed or impatient. They let me be. Sometimes they try to help me figure it out, listen, or just let me move on from a conversation.

I'm grateful to have people in my life who I can talk with as a peer, a friend, more or less equal. I'm grateful to be able to take little steps forward in trust & friendship-intimacy, and to have backward steps be temporary & surmountable. I'm grateful for the confidence they have in me, however much or little, to be honest with me and share who they are and what they're thinking/doing. I'm grateful to matter a little bit to someone.

I'm grateful to feel safe expressing myself & being ... "disgustingly myself" ;) ... with all its distinct incomprehensible traits & uniqueness. I'm grateful to feel secure exposing myself, unedited, and not fear any level of rejection or disdain. I'm still pushing to see how far this goes.

I'm grateful for the knowledge someone is there. Throughout the day while I'm not near them, there is always that knowledge in the back of my mind that I have a friend or two I matter to, who likes me as a person, not just as a teammate or acquaintance or representative of my workplace. Knowing people exist who have an interest in my wellbeing and who take pleasure from speaking with me during their leisure time. That's such a difference, because I know what the lack is like.

I'm grateful for the style of interaction, for the humour, for the insights and advice (whether I take the advice or not). I'm grateful for the forgiveness when I feel I've done/said something unbecoming of a good friend, and I'm grateful for corrections. I'm grateful for patience.

I know I'm not very good at being a friend all the time. I can be selfish, I'm a jerk at times, I'm not always fair, I overthink something small. I promise I'm trying and I'm learning. My friends deserve the best 'me' I can provide them, and though I fall short of what these amazing people deserve, I'm trying. They are important to me and I appreciate them.

I am grateful for my friendships.
Nyxii Nyxii 22-25, F Aug 13, 2012

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