Tomorrow Isn't Mine; I Only Have This Moment In Time

I have been grieving heavily the last few months over personal losses i have suffered going all the way back to my early child hood I have been on the verge of tears for the last six weeks straight over personal injury, emotional and spiritual losses in regards to people i have loved and lost.  Today i feel very alone and lonely.  it tears me up that i never married or had children, that i have no one to hold at night or to hold me. It makes me feel unnecessary in the grand scheme of things, unloved and unloveable even though i know that is not true.  i have caused myself to feel a lot of things that are not true and i am learning to be honest with myself about my own feelings and to weigh the reality of them against the truth of God's great love for me.  I alone take responsibility for my feelings.  i understand that what i feel is mine to feel.  I blame no one for what i feel.  I just feel it. I know that i am not the greatest judge of my own merit and worth. I have always been far to hard on myself.  I know i have touched the lives of more than a few people in my life time.  In these times of loneliness though i feel lost and ragged, like a small child trying to find his way home in the dark.  I have a good friend who cares for me and even though  we are close at times, i am never as close to her as i want to be and that saddens me. Today i felt this beautiful sadness rise out of me.  This sadness was/is beautiful to me because it is so pure and naked, just so unafraid to be. I felt very touched by my own vulnerability.  i felt love and compassion for myself.  I felt that the child inside of me is beautiful, alive and worthy of good. That i should give to myself all the good i can in this life.  I have always been good to others and i want to now be good to me.  I realized as a tear was welling up inside of me and i shook and trembled by the power of the emotion inside of me, that i only have this moment in time, tomorrow is not mine. I realize that i have to be good to myself now, today is all i will ever have.
loveunbound67 loveunbound67
41-45, M
1 Response Sep 10, 2012

wow - your story really connected with me. I too need to take this time to be good to myself - but sort of feel let down as like you I feel I have gone out of my way many many times to help friends and strangers but it seems no-one gives a hoot about me now even though I feel like I am going through the most difficult emotional time of me life. Be good to yourself - sounds like you deserve it. May I suggest getting a dog? Or a least a smal pet if you are unable to have pets where you live. Dogs are great though - they are always happy to see you no matter what mood you are in. They are great companions and love to cuddle!! Not quite the same as human touch but better 'than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick' as they say. Thank you for your story - you have truly touched me and I don't feel so alone to know that other people are going through the same thing as difficult though it may be. Take care of yourself - you are worth it!

thank you for your kind words. No we never really are alone no matter how alone we may feel. In my darkest of times i realize that what i have been through, will if i wait long enough help and comfort someone else who is going through the same things i have been through. Your life matters, you are important because all that you have been through can always be used to touch another life and you are most certainly worthy of the same good that you have always offered to others. i am glad that my story touched you. may God bless you in your trying times.