A Grieving Birth Mother

On February 16, 2009 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy at 2:09 P.M. 8 pounds and 8 ounces. I am 19 years oldand on my own. When i found out i was pregnant i didn't know what to do. iI was so scared. When I told my boyfriend he was completely disgusted. I considered abortion but couldn't go through with it. He thought i did abort when he left for vacation. When he came back we broke up. I went through my whole pregnancy without a single person knowing. I had no prenatal care, but i researched on the internet how to take care of myself and stay healthy. On february 16th at 4:30A.M. the contractions started, I tried everything to ease the pain. Finally around 11:30A.M. i drove myself a half hour to the nearest hospital to find out i was already dialated 9cm. I was there for 20 minutes before I had to start pushing. I had no time to get an epidural or even any pain medication. I was so scared, I had never felt pain like that before. Finally after pushing and pushing the doctor finally told me that the baby would be here in five minutes. It hurt so bad. And before i knew it he was out. I looked over and saw his head in the nurses arms heard his first two cries before he was wisked away. I already knew i would have to give him up knowing that i couldn't support him finacially and i had no support to get through and for him to be in a secure home. I have no contact with my father, a deceased mother, and very distant family. I am all alone.

When the adoption agency  came to talk to me i thought this is what i wanted. I wish i could go back in time. I want my baby. I want to hug and kiss him again so bad. The last day at the hospital i held him for hours and just cried and kissed him on the forehead, repeatedly telling him i was sorry and to please forgive me and that i loved him so much. I only stayed in the hospital one night. The next day i returned to work. Trying to keep my mind busy. But i can't stop thinking about him thats all thats on my mind i cry constantly. I know my choice was for his best interest, but he is my flesh and blood and i just want my baby to hold in my arms to be able to tell him i love him whenever i want. My  out look on life has changed so dramatically in the last week. My son is my whole heart and inspiration. I wish i could get him back, but i know that will never be able to have him back. When i had to sign the permanent surrender it was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I miss my baby so much..I just stare at his pictures and his footprints.. I remember his smell.. I hear his first two cries all the time.. He has my eyes, nose, mouth, hands and feet.

Even though the adoptive parents are wonderful people and i know he is surrounded with so much love. Knowing that i will never have a relationship with my child kills me even more everyday. I wish i would've knew more about support i could get to raise a child on my own. I know this will affect me for the rest of my life. I do not want another child. I just want my baby boy. I have no one to talk to about this. I wish i had someone just to hug me and tell me things were gonna be ok. I wish things could have been different for Me and my precious little Gavin Tyler. He is my angel, my heart and that will never change.

021609gtf 021609gtf
18-21, F
8 Responses Feb 23, 2009

Just know that even though you may live with sorrow, you can smile and rejoice knowing that you brought him into this world with so much love and bravery. I took the wrong road, I chose abortion and the regret for that, I promise, would be and is so much worse. You made a heartbreaking choice, but your baby will have life and love and will hopefully understand one day the love it took for you to put him in a better situation than what you could give him right now. You are a very brave young girl and you should find strength in that. I hope time will help to ease the pain some.

You are one very brave young women and in time you will see that although this was probably the hardest decision you have had to make so far, it was probably the right one. Good luck to you and hope you are well.

Gavin Tyler is LOVED, hugs to you!

Hugs to you, I hope you're doing a little better now. I also lost my baby recently, although my little girl passed away, I didn't have to make the choice to give her life to someone else. You have enormous courage and strength to have been able to deliver a healthy baby with no family or medical support, and I can understand how confused you must have been before, during and after the birth of your son. <br />
I know your pain and your hunger for your child, I feel it too. I hope that you are able to find some moments of calm in the passage of your own grief.

Thank you so much JustJesse, MegJgeM, and DanaeSoiBhan for your support. It helps so much, it has been very toughin thesepast weeks. I am truely grateful and i appreciate your time and words greatly.

*hugs* I pray that you will find the strength to search out support from someone.....even if it is from those of us here. ex<x>pression is the best medicine, I truly believe that. May you find peace somehow in the midst of this.....

Oh my god....<BR>I am so sorry for you. I wish I could have given you a hug. I wish I could have helped you. Nobody deserves this. You did the right thing. You did what's best for you and more importantly for your baby. He needs a stable family, loving parents who can take care of him and you need to finish growing up first...you're only 19. Raising children are not easy. They don't come with manuals. I'm so proud of you for being so young yet able to make such a selfless decision. I hope you'll get to know him someday.

Reading your story moved me so much. Especially when I got to "I have no contact with my father , a deceased mother , and very distant family. I am all alone."<br />
You really need to see some social workers about this like Scully says. What you are going through must be some of the toughtest stuff that any human can ever face.<br />
I know it sounds foolish, and I don't know if it's the right thing to do, or even trying to do, but it has been less than two weeks since your son was adopted away to someone else, and you love him so dearly. Maybe his step parents would understand if you asked to get him back? I know it sounds crazy and wild. But maybe it's worth a shot? It's what you want after all. They must be able to understand your sorrow at least. And it's been less than two weeks like I already said. You sound so utterly heartbroken! :( I wish I could give you a hug, even though that wouldn't be of much help.