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All The Time

I was born a girl

My father was raised to think that girls were only made to serve men
He didn't have a drinking problem before I existed
He was thrilled when he found out my mom was going to have him a child
But everything went downhill when they found out I was a girl
My father began having his drinking problem and my mom was depressed

I was supposed to be a boy
He was angry at my mom said she was useless and served for nothing if she couldn't have given him a boy
But still my mom kept me maybe now that I get it it was only for me to experience what she was experiencing

Abuse and rape
An almost everyday thing
I didn't get til 13 and only once when I was 17
I got pregnant
And it was a boy

I lost him though
And I do wonder what my father would have said if he found out
I never told him what my baby was
Because I feared he would make my baby just like him

I feel guilty all the time
Guilty for being a girl
Guilty for having started my father's drinking and abuse
Guilty for my mother's depression and now fear and denial

I feel guilty all the time
Guilty for everything that happens here almost everyday
InmemoryofLifelessStar InmemoryofLifelessStar 18-21, F 2 Responses Apr 19, 2011

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Don't feel guilty Estrella none of what's been happening to you is your fault. I wish I could be there and help you out of this but sadly I'm not but I'm here when I can be so message me whenever you want.<br />
Te quiero mi prima linda no llores que un dia todo se va poner mejor para nosotros.

Dont blame yourself they are adults responsible for THEIR actions........i know you were not the blame for your mother & fathers problems just given the blame or took it upon yourself to assume the blame . i am really sorry what happened to you. are you still living with them? maybe its time to move away.