All The Time

I was born a girl

My father was raised to think that girls were only made to serve men
He didn't have a drinking problem before I existed
He was thrilled when he found out my mom was going to have him a child
But everything went downhill when they found out I was a girl
My father began having his drinking problem and my mom was depressed

I was supposed to be a boy
He was angry at my mom said she was useless and served for nothing if she couldn't have given him a boy
But still my mom kept me maybe now that I get it it was only for me to experience what she was experiencing

Abuse and rape
An almost everyday thing
I didn't get til 13 and only once when I was 17
I got pregnant
And it was a boy

I lost him though
And I do wonder what my father would have said if he found out
I never told him what my baby was
Because I feared he would make my baby just like him

I feel guilty all the time
Guilty for being a girl
Guilty for having started my father's drinking and abuse
Guilty for my mother's depression and now fear and denial

I feel guilty all the time
Guilty for everything that happens here almost everyday