I Could Have Saved Him

I knew him quite well. He often visited at my invitation. Sometimes for just a few hours and at others for a few days. He was seldom any trouble but on occasion I did have to twist his arm. I would meet him on the street or even in his home. This meeting would be on the street. I pulled up along side of him and never got out of the car. We had our usual interaction and I sent him on his way. His way was often the railroad tracks that ran near his brother's house and today was no different. I was nearby and heard the iron horse whistle. A short time later I got the call. He never made it to his brother's house. He had met the iron horse and what was left was here and there along the tracks. His demise was analyzed. They told me that I should bear no blame and feel no guilt. It was of his own doing. Don't tell me how to feel. It's been over twenty five years and any thought I have of that day brings it all back fresh and new. Wave upon wave of blame and guilt. Don't tell me how to feel. It wasn't you.
lifetolive lifetolive
56-60, M
8 Responses Jul 29, 2011

Sorry you carry this and nobody has the right to tell you how to feel. Feelings are not right or wrong but very real. Thank you for posting and letting us into your world. Wow. I am not often at a loss for words but I am now as I wish there was a way to take the deep emotions away. Sorry, write me if you need to talk :)

I know....

Man, that's so sad. I won't tell you how to feel but I'll tell you this... We can't, any of us, see into the future. There's no way to have known what would happen. But it brings it home that we are all so very alone in life. Nobody truly knows what's going on inside someone else's heart or head.

I read your story it's sad. What could you have done?

I will not presume to tell you how to feel. After 25 years I imagine that you revisit that day often. I know I definitely would. But .... I would try to remember all the times I had shared with him. <br />
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I once had a friend very similar. He is no longer around either. He died of cancer and I never even knew he was sick. He would pop in and out of my life when it was convenient for him. It was "understood" that I was never to look for him. So, I never did. It hurt to know he suffered and I did nothing for him. Yet in the context of our friendship, that was the way he wanted it. I have to respect that and it is the only solace I have.<br />
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Your friend sounds much the same as mine. I think he is satisfied with what happened to him. One minute he was there, talking with you. He was probably thinking of your conversation and anticipating the one to come with his brother. In a flash ... he was gone! No pain, no suffering, no lingering. Feel consoled that you were the last person who shared his life. Let his death go.

Hugs and I hope you eventually forgive yourself and are able to heal.

ahhh So sorry Dock *Hugs* xxx

Well my dear friend I cannot but tell you this. That the blame and the guilt should not rest upon you! Things happen in life for a reason. Somethings that happen we can quickly see why. There are other things that takes just a little more tim. Finally were you lay in the field of Unknown. This is not a good place to be arise my dear and wipe your tears away if their are tears let it be of joy. If you believe in God your healing will take place. You have suffered the burton long enough it was not your fault. Now I say two things please remeber. All things happen for a reson God does not make mistakes. And he was saved therefore he would not have you to spend another day in grief because he is happy in the arms of God. The saved souls go back to him who created them his soul is with God a much and far better place. He is way better off than you and I for we must get to where he already is. So arise my dear and start a new beginning with God.