Guilt

Since a little kid I was not able to enjoy life. Why? Because everybody made me feel guilty because they made me feel selfish and that I don’t deserve **** so now I can’t enjoy anything because I feel bad when I am having fun.

This begun when I first went shopping with my godfather and he spent some money for me. They told me that I should have gotten things for others too and that I shouldn’t have gotten everything for myself. They also said that it was good to exploit him because if I did not then who would? I actually felt really bad after that.

How dare they treat others like this?

When I spent my own money the way I want they tell me that the things I buy are useless and not for my age. They tell me to not buy books or dolls or figures but only clothes or pay for the things my parents are supposed to pay because the rest are not useful and I should help them because they shouldn’t pay for all my **** now that I am 20 and I don’t have a job or a house. I don’t like anything and what I like they say it is childish and I also have to buy things for everyone else or they will tell me ****** things about me.

It is not fair because I actually feel like I don’t worth to get anything for me because I will be selfish and bad and that everything I like is ugly and useless.

So when I get money I almost never spend them for me. I spend them for everyone else and then I have nothing and I just wish I had.

When I attempt to tell them that these are my money and I will use them as I please they tell me that I have to go nowhere and because I like nothing then why should I have them and not them?

Also when I told them that I am looking for a job so I will be emptying their place they told me that if I get a job I should stay home in order to help around and so that I will help my sister by paying for her extra lessons.

I feel trapped and mistreated.

When I was her age nobody cared about my education. Whatever I did in my life, I did it all by myself. No one ever helps me, yet, I have to help everyone else. It is just not fair. I want to crawl in my bed and cry. It is not fair. Why everybody cares about her and no one cares about me?

I mean they are begging me to study english and be a translator because they say I am good at it. I don’t deny that I am good at it but it is not what I want to do. This is not who I want to be.

I’ve always wanted to be a writer but no one wants to read my stories because they say they are stupid… One teacher I had and read one of them had told me that I was pretty good. Why no one I know tells me any different? Why only strangers?

I’ve always wanted to sing but whenever I was trying everybody was telling me to shut up.

Why no one helps me with my dreams? Why no one has ever done that? Why should I be the one that has to try for everything so ******* hard? And why do I have to be the one who has to please others?

Today as I was waiting for the bus I was thinking that I didn’t have the right to be happy. I was thinking that I should and MUST be happy only if others are.

I’ve always thought that I don’t deserve to be happy and I still do. Why do I feel like that? Is it wrong? I don’t know what is going on in my head… I feel like I am such an ugly person…Sometimes I wish that I hadn’t been born…
BeingChasedInTheFullMoonOften BeingChasedInTheFullMoonOften
18-21, F
Dec 15, 2012