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I Am Guilty of Being the Asexual Wife

In my 20's I was very sexually active, then in my 30's lived with a couple of boyfriends (five years each), then at 37, married the man who was my very first sexual partner when we were teenagers. We were so happy to have found each other. We did it several times a day, upside down, right side up, etc. and four years later got married. We continued being monogamous and hot for each other, and both of us felt like it would never end. We moved to a rented tract home, got a dog, invited friends for dinner. I work full time days, and he worked out of the house. We felt like, "Finally! Now I can live out my golden years in a strong marriage! Yay!"

I cannot quite put my finger on what happened between point A and point B, but one day, he asked me how I wanted to be touched, and instead of feeling glad that he asked, I was maddened and perplexed. This was eight years into the relationship....he knew what I preferred by then. I wondered if he confused me with someone outside of the marriage? He began badgering me about not measuring up...I would come home from my office job in office clothes and he said "You dress like a nun." I was hurt! I am not frumpy or fat, but his eyes were seeing something un-attractive. One year at Christmas, it was glaringly clear that he had not shopped for my gift until the last minute, and had not put any thought into it what so ever! I had carefully gotten him clothing in his correct size, correct style, correct color, but I received a set of $30 hubcaps, and a book on sexual bondage-which neither of us was into, (as far as I know) I was wasn't as upset about the subject mattter of the book, but more about the lack of thought, planning, and concern about what a guy gives his wife--it doesn't have to be expensive, but something that he thinks she would like or use would be a good start, eh?

He began to be a selfish lover. I didn't object, because it seems that frequently the guy wants it more often than his partner....but repeatedly, I would give in and think to myself "This is the glue that holds a relationship together" so I reasoned that I was doing it for the marriage. But an interesting dynamic matelrialized: I would feel used and unfulfilled and resentful of him for taking advantage of my "kind" nature, and he felt guilty and boorish and resentful of me for not being more into it. I began to avoid sex with him. I would sometimes wear sweats and pretend to be asleep so that I would appear un-attractive and un-available, and therefore he would leave me alone.....but really, I wanted him to pay attention to me. I wanted the kind of attention wherein he would patiently take his time with me and tell me how attracted his makes a woman feel beautiful and persued. Instead he said "Got time for a quickie?" and he really thought that he was giving me what I wanted. He thought that I just didn't enjoy our interludes the way I used to. Well I didn't! But I wanted attention and so did he. So sadly, things began disintegrating.

Next came a four-to-six year period where we carefully swept these feelings under the rug--neither of us wanted the marriage to go bad, and our coping skills kicked in. Niether of us had great coping skills--when we tried to discuss the problem, he would verbally push and shove. I felt emotionally roughed up. He said to me "You will do such-and-such, and LIKE it!" If he had worked in the such-and-such during the heat of the moment, I'm certain that I would have allowed it to transpire. But now that I have been commanded to perofrm, we've got a battle of the wills. He might be bigger and louder, but do not think that my will is so weak. And he was getting bored and angry with me--he didn't see his boredom as a dry patch to be attended to, but rather, must be the wife's fault. No matter how I showed him articles about the subject, and suggested something, my suggestions were always "lame" and his suggestions were always "way out there" so agian with the battle of the wills! We both felt lonely and overlooked. He began collecting p*** vid's during the day when I was away at work. And I began having afffairs. The affairs were purely sexual in content, "friends with benefits". He was doing the same-with strangers. (I found evidence and confronted him-he admitted)

Still, we wanted each other. He was still pressuring me about it. I kept promising to do things, but was afraid that he would take advantage, and do his thing, and I would be left hanging, and feeling abandonded. Also, the more he pressured, the more I withdrew. My personality responds better to a gentler approach, but he was sick to death of that. I felt horrbily sorry for him. I wept frequently at night to think that I was the cause of his unfulfilled, lonely, horny with nowhere to take it moments! What an awful wife! What an awful life! I knew that there was still a glimmer of hope, and we were friendly, not fighting, soooooo.......

So began to approach him. He responded favorably...and it seem to be working, well, a little.......Then WHAM! The nails got pounded into the coffin--I had a serious illness. I had a blood clot in my abdminal aorta, which in turn cut off the blood flow to my right kidney. Turns out that I have a blood disease. My blood was super thick like glue, and an over-proliferation of platlets.  I also found out that I have diabetes and high blood pressure! I had been hiking deep into the woods and eating "regular" food--I had no idea! To make matters worse, one of the drugs they gave me to heal the situation, I had a terrible, severe, allergic reaction to. I had several skin rashes, boils, blisters, purple blotches, lesions inside my body and out, sepsis of the blood, pneumonia, on pain meds. I couldn't eat or talk-there were painful sores in my mouth. My hands and feet peeled their skin, and my hair fell out! It took a long, long time to get better--and that's all the better I will ever be, is just "better". I had to wear a wig for the first eight months that I was out of the hospital.  I also went thru "the change" at this time, since I was no longer a candidate for the Pill due to the clotting risk. Hubby was used to me doing for him, cooking and cleaning wise,  and now he had to do for me. He was put-off by the phone calls asking "How is she?" but not asking him "How are you?" He didn't do a great job of taking care of me--but I give him credit that he did the best he knew how to do.

After I was "well" enough to begin going out in public and looking for work, I tried to be intimate with him again! Ouch! That ain't gonna work! Attempting regular sex was akin to putting a hairbrush in your mouth and biting down--ow! get that out, now! Apparently, the change, and diabetes meds, and blood pressure meds did it--any one of those can mess up a woman' ability to "accept" and I have all three! Plus the doc's said I have to take certain kind of these, because they have to be filitered thru my liver and not the one kidney I have left.

So, I offered to do "A" and "B" for him instead. At first he was grateful, then he got bored and resented having to feel "grateful". I'm sure he missed "regular". But all I had left was "A" and "B"..... But I can no longer eat certain foods, nor can I drink and dance anymore--well, I can dance a little, but I get tired quickly.  But I take medicine that does not mix with alcohol. I take 12 meds a day. I cannot hike into the woods anymore-partially because of stamina, but what if I have a problem? Will anyone find me? Would I have to be dangling from a helicopter on the 6 o'clock news as I'm air-lifted out of a canyon?  And, yes, I have to do without being a sexual person, as well. He still says "Now that you're WELL..." Hellooooo? I don't WANT to be a-sexual! I don't WANT to be single again at mid-life! I didn't WANT to be sick and ugly! I wanted to grow old together and be healthy and active like in the "Ensure" commericals. He looks at his feet, and say "Yeah I know" I'm not sure if he believes me, or if he's just ashamed for moving on with himself. But of course I had to let him go. He deserves a chance to be happy again, like we were at the beggining. We really, really were.

But now, what am I supposed to do with myself? I cannot really date, what am I supposed to say "No, we will never have sex, and you will end up taking care of me, and I could use some financial help?" Yeah, that's going to be quite attractive, eh? Or do I join ladies' groups who play Mah Jong and Bunko, and paint my apartment pink, and get a couple of pet cats? I thought about taking night classes, but I get too, too sleepy...and I haven't got any money. What now? Where now?

Yes, guys, I was an a-sexual wife--even before I got sick. But I know, I just know, that there was still a fightin' chance, then.






OMGMeToo OMGMeToo 51-55, F 8 Responses Feb 14, 2009

Your Response


CPAguy: Backatcha, my friend. I am saddened to hear about YOUR situation.<br />
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This story was written nine months ago. Since then, my health has stablized, and my sexual life has improved greatly, although my financial life has taken a turn for the worst. Ahhhh, life. If it isn't once thing, it's something else. However, if my funds run out and I cannot afford my meds, who knows what will transpire??? I'm certain there will be droves of people in that predicament in the next few months or years.<br />
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Let me point out that my generalization about men leaving their sick wives was a statistic I read in a Readers' Digest article last winter. Take it for what you will. I actually LIKE men--especially the "good" ones.<br />
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YOU, CPAguy, have have been holding on by your fingernails on several levels. Obviously, you are in the percentile of the statistic who stays. (*Applause*) I have been hoping that your wife's health will improve. Best wishes to you.

Nyxks - Thanx for your comment =)

There is life after divorce and there is life as an asexual, you live your life and you move on without him and find either another person who you are compatible with and/or a hobby and the like that fits you that you can devote your time to.<br />
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There is nothing wrong with being an asexual partner within a relationship, but yes it does take a lot of understanding on both partners parts to make it work. For some it means having an open relationship where the one partner who needs the sex can have it with a person who they both approve of for that purpose (a form of friends with benefits type deal). Its not for everyone by any means, but its one of those options that I have know others to have who are asexual but married to a non-asexual person.

Thanks, Z. I read a statistic that when men get sick, the wives are generally inclined to tough it out and stay, but when the wives get sick, a good 50-some-odd percent of the men bail! And yes (smile) he can absolutely be a cad! But now that I'm not dead, what am I supposed to do with myself?

I have to say sincerely how sad your story has made me. <br />
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It has alway been my position that if a marrige is sexless because of any illness the consequences of that illness which prevent sexual relations matter not. I would never, ever leave a partner under those circumstances <br />
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We should be bound by marital vows that remain unchallenged by any personal needs. It is patently unfair for anyone to leave a relationship when the other is in a health crisis. <br />
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Your husband was a selfish cad and a man without honor, class nor integrity. He may find that his day with health issues may be around the corner and the shoe may be on his foot.<br />
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Do take care and be well.

Oh, Enna, it's over.......nearly a year ago, he sat me down, and said "I want a divorce, I feel trapped, I want out!" I was shocked, but not surprised. He IS a bit selfish and self-absorbed, but I knew that going in to it! He said "Let's stay friends" But as is turns out, he didn't mean firends as in "Lets share e-mails, and meet for coffee occaisionally" what he meant was for me to be friendly enough to give him a easy non-quarrelsome divorce. Fortunately, neither of us has any money to bicker over! At this point, I am examining what happened to me because that relationship has been a huge factor in my life, spanning an 35 year period, although we were together for only 17 years of that. <br />
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After he dropped the bomb, I had angioplasty - had a 48mm stent inserted in my heart artery, his father passed away, and one of our dogs (he took them with him) died! What an ugly year!<br />
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So I'm looking for insight so I can figure out what not to do in the future, what to do with myself next, and how to bumble forward in a healthly mindset.

Ok, sorry! realised I missed the bit where you said you HAD parted. Altho' I'm sure this is immensely painful at present, life CAN get better. He did not sound like a very sensitive or caring partner o, looking in from the outside, yo would seem to be better off without him.<br />
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But back to the sex issue - you still want to have a sexual life, by the sound of your post. Can you explore that wish with the doctors / psychologists treating you to see what (if anything) can be done?<br />
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You are in my thoughts.

I nearly cried when I read your story - such a heartbreaking thing to happen when you started out so well.<br />
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Forgive me if I ask obvious questions, but have you consulted with your doctors about sex? Is your situation the normal outcome for someone who has suffered as you have? Is there no way that medical treatmentt of some sort might allow you to enjoy sex again?<br />
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Even if the answer to the above is that you CAN have sex again, it sounds like yor current partner is just not right for you. He seems clumsy, thoughtless and to have sexual expectations that you neither welcome nor wish to tolerate.<br />
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I suspect you'd feel asexual with him even if there were noo medical issues.<br />
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Can you tell us why you want / need to stay with him?<br />
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sending you caring thoughts.