Today I Am Undetectable

LESS THAN 50 copies, that is UNDETECTABLE!!!  T4 = 360 and rising.  

I was diagnosed HIV+ about a year ago.  My world fell apart.  I was not a drug user, did not sleep around, hell, it took me 10 years to finally date/trust again after a really bad relationship break up... then, I met someone whom I thought was the one... well, he proved to be the one who gave me HIV.  I was so naive to trust him.  After testing positive we broke up and I was in complete despair and became clinically depressed.  I had no idea what would become of me or how contracting HIV would change my life. I keep asking: Why? Why does anyone deserve this? I was despondent about life in general and wound up getting fired from my job for poor performance.  

Talk about getting kicked when your down.  The hope I had in my heart was slim... I couldn't win for loosing.  

But today, after going on meds 6 weeks ago, I tested undetectable.  This has been the single biggest positive (in a good way) news I have had in a year.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I do know that I am taking things one day at a time, moment by moment, and I had to celebrate this moment with the world - what a difference time makes.

To all who are questioning; have faith.  To all who need some sympathy; I hear you.  To all who feel hopeless and alone like I was; you are not alone! 

Maybe one day I will meet the one - maybe.  Until then, I promise myself to stand tall, fight hard and smile at every opportunity.

Stay safe, love one another, Manuela


Manuela01 Manuela01
36-40, F
9 Responses Jul 23, 2010

Hey Manuela, my story is exactly like yours and since last 2 years that i been diagnosed with HIV and even though i am doing well and its undetectable i am still broken from inside and my life totally changed and i see it very hard to move on. <br />
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I am trying but for sure i am not like before, nobody deserves this. I feel sometimes to just sleep and never wake up to be honest. <br />
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I always dreamed to get married and have kids but having HIV at a young age is very hard, now that i am HIV positive, even though its undetectable since the first month i got diagnosed, i feel its the end of the world and i will never get married or have kids of my own.<br />
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this is killing me from inside slowly slowly, i do smile all the time with my people but from inside the smile that i smile is a tear that's killing me. <br />
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love & respect<br />
<br />
Miguel

I am a 34 male and I am negative. I can feel your pain because my partner is positive and have been together for 10 years.<br />
You have to be strong and keep fighting and please have faith you just don't know what is around the corner. My wife was about to die before she met and now she is the happiest woman in the world,I am happy to be part of her beautiful story.<br />
<br />
You just need a little bit of faith

I am a 34 male and I am negative. I can feel your pain because my partner is positive and have been together for 10 years.<br />
You have to be strong and keep fighting and please have faith you just don't know what is around the corner. My wife was about to die before she met and now she is the happiest woman in the world,I am happy to be part of her beautiful story.<br />
<br />
You just need a little bit of faith

Thanks for your positive and inspiring post, Manuela. I wish you all of the best with your continued good health for the future.<br />
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You are NOT alone!<br />
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Lots of positive energy and love to you... :)

No feeling is greater than the shock of finding out you are hiv positive.... I lost energy for 3 days when i found out I had hiv.... i blamed my husband for it and stil finding it hard to forgive him and continue our marriage. They say everything happens for a reason and am yet to find out why i got this virus... I remain calm as i havent told my mother yet...still not sure how she's gonna take the news. But i believe God can heal you and me miraculously if we only believe. Take care :)

Really want to say thanks to all who have read and commented. Sometimes when major stuff hits in your life you feel so darn alone... I have not found the strength to talk to anyone besides my drs about this... I find such comfort from this on-line community of people. I read all thoughts and perspectives in order to understand and feel connected. <br />
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Like Fiksm said above, you can live long if you take care of your mind, body, & soul. That is what I am working on - believe me, when I first found out I did not want to see another day but time has softened the blow a bit. I am working on getting to a place where I believe I can be okay - it has been a day by day thing for me. For now, the great lab results have boosted my morale. I am sticking with a healthy plan and moving forward, come what may.<br />
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As for the man - it has been the furthest thing from my mind to think about dealing with the complications (physically and emotionally) of trying to meet a good man. Sadly, even if Mr. Perfect walked through the door at this moment, I probably would not feel brave enough to even smile at him... I just can't take the rejection - not ready to deal with it. <br />
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The one who gave it to me has moved on. Report has it he has been sighted with someone else already. And you know, so many stressful fears have run through my head including wondering if he has told others who know me casually about my results??? It has made me a bit of a recluse. god help the women in my area... god help him too. <br />
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I am focussing on me. I am feeling strong about how I am living my life right now. Maybe a nice guy will come along in time but I can't add that to the things I stress about right now. <br />
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thanks all. be well. love one another. Manuela

iknow wat its like coz even me wn ifound out in2002,iddnt blive until iconfirmed in 2003 @which then ihd a new man living in London&we wanted 2hv a baby isuggested dat igo 4hiv test b4 we sart&we talked abt -ve&+ve result,he promised 2stil continue lovin me even if igt +ve result.Little did iknow he ws gona dump me moment itold him.<br />
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So igues for yr man especialy if he dsnt know anythin abt hiv,1st thing onhs mind ws ur gona die&kissin u wd infect him coz in hs mind he definately dsnt think he hs it he thinks u gt it 4rm some1else,he might not even know dat udnt get by sharing things except thru sex&needles.<br />
U r better off without him,god hs a man wo'l love u unconditionaly& good thing now is hiv+ve people can have kids,live long if u take care of yr mind body&sooul.<br />
Iv never bn on meds im fine,justin keepin a +ve attitude eating all dveges even d1s inever liked coz dey r good 4my body.<br />
Love fiksm

its good to know, that u r not alone!!! <br />
xx x x x

He may not have known he ad HIV. Why did you guys break up? Maybe you could even work things out and he can test undetectable.