No Correcting This Mistake

I feel crushed.  I foung out i was positive august 5th 2010 and i know exactly when i was infected. December 2009 - and it was my fault. I cant even blame the other person because it was me who let myself have unprotected sex.

But I dont know how to tell anyone - i want to outlive my parent and I dont want to tell me mother every. Shes been my world and I know telling her this will crush hers and give her sleepless nights for the rest of her life and I can't do that to her. I'd rather relocate and live in another country before I let her go through this.

I worry about HAART treatements but i'm ready to start and begin taking care of myself. My outllook now is that in 2010, I feel we are getting closer to a cure and I know I have over 7 years before I start expereincing serious symptoms and if i'm on the HAART drugs I can live a much longer life. - BUT IM TERRIFIED.

I wantef family and kids and most of all i wanted a life with someone i could love and be intimate with and now I will never  have that because of what i've done. Im ashamed and hurt and scared and lonely in this. I want my life back....I want to do it over but with HIV you dont get second chances.

MICHAEL
alteclansing30 alteclansing30
26-30
15 Responses Aug 8, 2010

Im in the same boat. I dont feel though that you need something like HIV to make your life worth living with challenges. There are many other things to learn from that arent as fatal. I got HIV from a man that lied to me oral sex one time, much older who at the end told me and that i was just his c&& dumpster. I am not able to take meds cause my body was unable to handle the medications. HIV isnt for sissies like me.

It doesn't seem that way right now, but it's really going to be ok. There is support out there, you just have to find it. This is an excellent place for you to begin by talking to others. You just need to get past the initial shock, but you have the right mindset when it comes to taking care of medical matters. That's your number one priority at the moment. Everything will fall into place from there.....<br />
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Cheers,<br />
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Keith

Don't hate your situation. Use it to better your life. I am now back in college full time at 39 years of age. I have the highest grade in my classes and life is picking up. Life isn't worth living without challenges. You're not dying of HIV, you're living with it.

My Mom has been in the medical field for almost 40 years. She helped me find the nutraceuticals to help with my antivirals. I take one B12, one multivitamin, three IP-6, one NAC and magnesium. The magnesium is because the antiviral along with some antidepressants and anti-anxieties I take make me slightly constipated. I didn't know how sick I was until I started getting healthy again. I actually had AIDS when I was diagnosed. Now I am undetectable just since May. I'm back in college full time and everything seems to be progressing very well. <br />
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Here are some links to the stuff I am taking. I am healthy as a horse. I literally feel as strong as I did in my 20's. <br />
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http://www.amazon.com/IP-6-Inositol-Hexaphosphate-Source-Naturals/dp/B0002JFTE6<br />
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http://www.amazon.com/Source-Naturals-N-Acetyl-Cysteine-Tablets/dp/B000GFJJZ6/ref=sr_1_32?ie=UTF8&s=hpc&qid=1283520007&sr=1-32<br />
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I have tremendous energy, my sexual desires are back full force and my brain is awake again. My vision has even gone back to 20/20. Please discuss all options with your doctor. My CD4's were 58 and my viral load was 376,000. If it wasn't for my Mom I would be dead. If you ever need some advise or input from me please let me know. I also saw a shrink several times. It helped soooo much. Be well my friend, Rocky

Just waiting on the results for my cd4 blood counts and viral load blood tests.<br />
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It's funny when yu don't know youve been infected you don't realise all teh little things happening to your body like ure lymph nodes getting swollen etc. But im just feeling everything...sore throats and i've been having migraine headaches.<br />
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So i'm just getting ready to seriously change my life.<br />
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The slap in the face however came when a girl I use to be with but seperated from because we ended up in diferent jurisdictions, called me to let me know that she wanted to get pregnant with my kid....And I had been contemplating that for months and then she called...butn ow i cant without putting her at serious risk. <br />
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I hate this

AL30 - I can completely relate. I know exactly when I was infected (Jan 2009). I blame no one but myself for my actions - I should have protected myself, I did not. I blame myself for my diagnosis. And like you, my world fell apart. Those first few days and months after finding out were probably the most devastating time of my life. I could not bring myself to admit anything out loud and I just wanted my life back... wanted to go back to the life I knew, the dreams of my future but that one mistake changed the course of my life forever - no fixing this mistake. <br />
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Where do you go from here? How do you believe those who say it is going to be okay and you will be able to cope with everything in time? So many things hit you all at once: fear, self loathing, devastation, denial, grieving what you think you will never have, ... and more. <br />
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I know, I know. I was there too. <br />
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I wanted to respond to your story because I was in your shoes last summer when I discovered my hiv+ diagnosis and I honestly thought I would not be able to deal with it - I was a total basket case and to make things worse, I felt so ashamed and alone that I could not bring myself to tell anyone else. I wound up withdrawing from the world and falling into a deep, deep depression. I was fired from my job out of negligence. I did not love myself at all and I did not feel I was capable of caring for anything else either - it devastated me.<br />
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So - what I want to tell you is this: I felt so angry and scared and regretful about possibly dying a torturous death and afraid that I would make my mom suffer by telling her about my health that I closed off. Only after hitting bottom and loosing most everything did I come to terms with facing the reality of my situation. Like someone told me - it does not matter how you got here. You are here. Now, what are you going to do? You have to ask yourself some questions - you have to make a choice - either decide to try to get up off your knees (i.e. choose to fight) or just lay down and die. That is the only thing you have to answer in the here and now. <br />
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Despite knowing that my spirit was crushed and my physical body was weak, I made the decision to try to manage the situation - (whatever that meant - moment by moment or day by day). I did not want to give up - that thought was what brought me the most amount of tears. I have never been the type of person to loose hope but for some reason, this diagnosis wiped me out emotionally. <br />
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My case manager helped me get help through psychological therapy, get resources financially and start hiv meds. Today my viral load is undetectable and I feel stronger physically and emotionally. I know it is still one step at a time - all the ups and downs. Remember that, one step at a time - it is okay to take your time to get your grounding about this. I know that I have not given up on the idea of meeting someone and building a life -although my thoughts are that it would probably be with someone who can understand life from an hiv+ perspective - someone who can relate and not judge. <br />
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You have taken the first step by telling us your story. You are among friends here. Find strength knowing that there are some of us out here who can relate, who support you and who know by being hiv+ you are still a valuable human being. I wish you well and hope to see you continue to share with us - God knows, we all need one another more than ever.<br />
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Manuela

Also, if you don't have health insurance you can find people who can help you obtain the medication for free or at a reduced price. I take mepron and atripla and if I were paying out of pocket it would cost me 3400.00 per month. I don't have health insurance so I am blessed we have a local group called the care team. They saved my life and treat me with real compassion.

This morning I had a really intense zombie dream, it was actually pretty cool. I have however punched my wife while dreaming and gave myself a fat lip by hitting myself in a fight or flight dream. I have always had vivid dreams but the Atripla magnifies them. The first two months when I would take my pill at night within 10-20 minutes I couldn't walk without putting my hand on the wall. Since then it doesn't barely effect me. Once your viral load goes undetectable it's virtually impossible to spread the disease. Not that I would chance that. My wife isn't positive but she is here. Originally she was thinking about leaving and that hurt worse than my diagnosis. My mind has been tumbling and still does. I can't prove how I actually got the disease. The VA Hospital just had to contact 1800 people who may have been infected through the dental office. I felt dirty when I heard what I had because I always associated it with people living bad lifestyles. I run 6-10 miles a day, gave up smoking years ago and rarely drink any alcohol. Have you had them perform a genotype blood test yet? It tells them if you are immune to any of the drugs available.

I have been rading up on Atripla and most reviews have been amazing except for the weird dreams people see to have. But i'm happy that you are doing well and glad to hear you are back to school.<br />
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I'm still hoping that in 10 years the medications will be even more advance or everyones dream that a cure will be discovered. I just need to change my life now and prepare for when the worst comes. But I am ready to fight it head on.

I was infected about 10 years ago from some tattoo's I had done in a **** hole house. I knew better but I was smoking weed and drinking most the day. I knew their autoclave wasn't working properly but trusted the person doing the work. I got incredibly sick about a year ago but was afraid to see a doctor. I thought I had cancer to be honest. My CD4's were 58 and my viral load was 376000. After one month of being on Atripla my CD4's tripled and my viral load is now undetectable. I just started back to school full time today. It's been a long time but hopefully the silver lining of my disease will be me making positive changes in my life.

Hey Rocky - do you remember when you were infected? If you were just diagnosed how come you're already on medication? How can we talk one on one?

I was diagnosed April 30, 2010<br />
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It's been an emotional roller coaster. I have recently started seeing a psychologist to help me with the depression and anxieties that I have had because of it. I take Atripla one time a day and it has turned my health around. Email me if you ever need to talk about it. Having someone to spill your emotions on is the best thing for dealing with this in my opinion. <br />
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Be well, Rocky

Yeah man thanks for the comments. I'm going through a period i guess where 'm doign my best to be optomistic and looking to ensure that i've change my life. I'm still very early as I believe I was infected less than a year ago. So the countdown begins I guess.In relation to my mother....shes been through ENDLESS...sisters dyign of cancers, daugther with diseases that wont allow her to have kids.....my mom has been the rock and im not ready to make her endure something else like this right now. I could never do that to her. But time will tell. Because she is the only person I would want to tell and I know she would take care of me from day one till the day she died. BUT I cant do that to her. It would age her 10 years and im not ready to live without her.I've read up on all these medications and the wonders of living with HIV and taking 1 pill everyday. You know I have a friend who suffers from Kidney failure and he has to take 7 pills a day and he said to me....looks its take them or die...its that simple....and he doesnt want to die.Well same here...I don't want to die and yes I have ruined my chances of truly fallign in love or meeting the person of my dreams by just walking down the street or having a family...but God has given me alot and this is my mistake. No one elses. Not my moms and not my familys.My question is though....they say it usually takes about 10 years before persons really begin experiencing the stage of HIV where symtoms really begin to show. If i'm only a few months infected.....how soon before persons usually sart taking medication? I know they say when your CD4 counts is below 300 or whatever but is that ever so soon after infection or does it take a while to get to that point?I meet with my medical doctor nxt week for a long sit down and talk but was just wondering now

Hi Mike, its sad but dont loose hope. like you said its not the end of life you can live longer and be happy. besides technology is advancing who knows what will happen tommorrow:?, take heart dont give up on your self. As for your mom P'se dont run away from her that to will break her heart take time and let her know, trust me i was there before i felt the same but with time i let her know and to my suprise she was so strong and she encouraged me never to cry or be sad. to her solong as am happy she is happy to and vise versa . <br />
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Being positive is not easy cause of how people will view you-immoral, but thats not true trust me find a suport group and good doctor who is willing to listen and answer all your question. As regards love there people out there who are just like you, lonel and searching and before you know it- bwola a happy mike with awife and kids its very possible just dont giveup on your dreams.<br />
we both face the same challenge- having afamily but believe in God and all will be well.

Fortunately HIV is now a very serious, but chronic disease rather than an automatic death sentence. You just got the news and you're still in shock. Give it time and join a support group. I just read an article about HIV and AIDS a couple of months ago and it profiled three people who got the disease back in the '70's before it was even diagnosed. They were diagnosed in the '80's when it still was a death sentence and they are all still alive today. Give yourself time and, most importantly, find a support group. There is no reason you can't outlive your mother. Granted, having a family will be more of a challenge, but if you truly want it, it's not impossible. The important thing is to not give up. Give yourself time, let the shock wear off, and then start making plans on how you are going to live your life and not give in to this!