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Dreams

Hi All;

I sit many nights looking at  this website not having the courage to post my stories.  As I sit here I am still double minded would I get the comfort that I need and I realized that GOD open doors so just walk in. Anyway I always tried to live my life by inspiring people, never judging and extremely GOD loving.  I belived that we all are the captains of our own destiny and live life ....Until a month ago I did a complete medical test only to find out  that I am HIV positive. I am married and on that day my husband was present with me, we both sat like zombies waiting for the Dr to say it was just a cruel joke. I felt like I had  just been given the death sentence.  My emotions were numbed no feelings at all, I went back to work and just carried on as normal.  But inside me I cud feel this storm brewing.  Questions where overflowing like am i going die in a week time, my husband and I were previously divorced our previous marriages were a nightmare so me and him really complimented each other and are best friends always supporting each other and I kept on questioning as to what wrong did we do to have this curve ball thrown at us. My husband immediately decided to have a test done we both knew the results and it was positive.The final blow was having my 3 year old son also tested and he also came out as positive on that day I just cannot tell you what I felt like, I screamed and cried I just wanted to close my eyes and just shutdown.  Also our (16 year old  daughter) was a concern besides taking her for the blood test my fear was telling her and about  our status.  It was difficult but we sat as a family and cried.  She grew being exposed to working with disadvantage people also being spiritual helped her to accept what was told.  Besides my husband was extremely honest with her on answering all her questions.  Strangely though when I was pregnant with my son I did various test and everything came out negative.  He was born healthy never experienced any issues with him so therefore it was quite a shock. I sometimes wonder if he was cradled in Gods hand because I guess if I did find out then my body would have probably went into shock  and maybe my husband and I would have grown apart.  Besides the joy of having him is priceless. Currently I was put on medication because my immune system was lot weaker ,my hubby and son thus far are doing good.  My hubby as been a real life saving coach extensive research, put up healthy eating plan for us lots of positive vibe.  He believes that you can choose to live or die and if you have a positive outlook everything falls into place sometimes GOD just shakes ur foundation to make you see things differently. He says be thankful that we have the income to afford medication, unconditional love, lovely children, a plate of food and roof over our head people go through worse.  I agree but sometimes it just gets so difficult especially when I think about my family . Then again Evan tracing on how we got the virus he said instead of going into the past of painful history move forward because the past cannot be undone.  I sometimes feel like I am loosing my head not because I am in denial but the mere fact that we both dont have trust-able friends that we can speak to.  At my place of work the people are so ignorant, cold people that its pointless talking to them. Besides would they understand without judging? I guess because its still news to us it will still be haunting but I am optimistic that as time goes by we will once again settle back into our normal life.  Through all of this as a family we have grown stronger, my hubby and I spend so much of good times together.  Yes I still cry but I also believe in miracles that if my son was protected from birth until now then GOD will not let him down.....My hubby also says thank GOD that we have found out about our status early and we can put measures in place to ensure that we live a good life...My daughter is negative..... After writing this I feels like a weight as been lifted off me.... God Bless
Toracle Toracle 36-40 8 Responses Mar 14, 2011

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Do you know how you contracted the virus? Since your husband doesn't want to discuss it, I would suspect that he us the culprit.

I would love to get to know you and your husband. I'm + And I'm scared to death that my wife and 8 year old daughter are too. I found out I was about 3 years ago maybe 2. But suspect I got it from my first wife who is now passed on. I live in Tampa. Maybe we could meet one day.

Hi,<br />
<br />
I cannot find the words to explain what I am feeling right now after reading your story. I do not have HIV, but I do have a chronic condition, epilepsy, and have to take medicine every day (which has affected my life in so many ways since I was a child) and know how difficult this can be. Believe me when I say this, give yourself to those who love you! Let them love you and love them in return. This will make you strong, and everything else will seem less important, good and bad. Take things one day at a time; there will be "good days" where the meds work and no side effects, you feel good, and "bad days" where everything looks grim, you feel sick/drowsy/inpain, etc... Don't let yourself get caught up in the emotions that come with a chronic disease. It is a part of your life now, and that is OK. <br />
<br />
God bless you and your family. Remember, always look forward. Happiness is a decision.

Thanx for sharing your story, think positively, with medications people can enjoy quality life for even 20yrs +. Ive been on ARV's for about 1 yr now and im doing great! you cant tell i have the virus at all! it always helps to bring out your fears, bitterness etc but dont let it destroy you, try to release it and forgive even the unforgivable. Who knows, a cure will be found someday but in the meantime, lets appreciate that there are drugs that can fight the virus. <br />
<br />
Cheers!

Dear T Oracle,<br />
<br />
Thanks for your last comment and accepting the friendship. Like you said we all have choices and with little bit experience of life which I have, I confidently can say that you have choosen a right path and the reasons. As living for self after a point in time really loses charm, but we keep our ignitions always on when it is for someone close to us.<br />
<br />
God bless,<br />
<br />
Chetnya

Dear T-Oracle,<br />
<br />
Thank you for sharing your experience here and my heart goes all out to you and your family. I was dignosed about a month ago and confirmed through blood test last week. For the past month, I have gone from despair, regrets fear and pain to hope and not fearing about the future but to live it to the fullest, giving my all until the day I have to leave this earth. I am more forward looking and upward looking towards God and I believe that He will see us through, He will comfort us, He will strengthens us, He will bring people along the way to help us. Most importantly is never giving up on ourselves and I am encouraged to see your family rally around you and go through this together. <br />
<br />
I have not told my family and being Asian in an Asian country the social stigma is strong when it comes to HIV although I have told few friends about it and they are rather encouraging and one even said to me that since I could estimate the amount of time left ( not being cruel), he told me just go and do whatever I love to do, to travel, to help people, to learn a new skill as long and draw closer to God, I believe my life can be good if not better. Its a wake up call for me and I choose to live better instead of jeapordizing my life further. <br />
<br />
Thanks again for sharing and God Bless<br />
Pete

Dear Chetnya;<br />
<br />
Thank you for your inspiring words and also for keeping us in ur prayers . I fully understand your Indian philosophy values as I grew up with reading stories from sc<x>riptures written by saints, and tried to live the values of what my Gurus taught me. And yes we are blessed with all that we have which I acknowledge every day and night by saying Thank You GOD. I guess right now the road to recovery is steep but I do believe that it will be a journey in which every turn will only get better. I decided to condition my mind by not worrying about what people say about my weight loss, etc its just negative energy that will be weighing me down. We all have choices in life and I choose to deal with this full steam head right on the battle field not for myself but for my hubby,daughter and my son.<br />
<br />
It will be good keeping you as a friend as I believe that good vibes and positive thoughts chanelled from people can make a difference.<br />
<br />
God bless<br />
<br />
T-Oracle

Hi,<br />
<br />
I know how difficult especially emotionally the situation is for you and your family, but I gree with your husband, it is a way God takes the test. In Indian philosophy we say that God only takes the test of worthy feel lucky you and your family being choosen. Another thing which I found in your incident which also cements my faith too, though the trouble has come but he has provided you with the means too to handle the situation.<br />
<br />
Now, with the medication you can live your whole life, but probably the incident will teach you how to live well and full.<br />
<br />
I really wish to be in touch with you off course if you have the same intentions.<br />
<br />
I will always keep you in my prayers and If you feel, I can be of any help, please feel free to ask.<br />
<br />
Live happy and healthy life.<br />
<br />
Regards,<br />
<br />
Chetnya