Found Out I Am Hiv Positive And I Do Not How To Break The NewsI stumbled across this site/group and I am glad I did because its made me realize that my situation is far from unique.
Until May/June last year I was drinking heavily and progressively drinking more as time went by. One of the times I was on a bender I met a woman in a bar who agreed to go home with me when we got home I vaguely remember me saying I had some condoms around but she was all over me and she said she was OK and she couldn't wait to get it on etc etc. Horny and drunk as I was I promptly forgot about looking for the condoms and went on to have unprotected sex with her.
The above incident and a few other disasters that were going on in my life led me to make the decision to stop drinking and get my act together. At the back of my mind I kept thinking about the incident with the lady and after 2 months I went to get checked and I was found HIV negative. I was obviously happy and I told myself that I had dodged the bullet and I would now go on with rehabilitating myself. However the nagging feeling never went away so just over a month ago I decided to get checked again and this time I was found HIV positive. The weird thing is that I never reacted the way I expected most people would on receiving such news. I never cried, fainted, shouted angrily, prayed etc. I just kept nodding at the counselor and I have a feeling he thought I was not quite listening.
I was listening and in many ways I had subconsciously been preparing myself for that moment because every time I played the events of that fateful night over in my head it became clearer that the woman I slept with knew she was positive and she deliberately discouraged me from using condoms.
Its just over a month since I was tested and found to have a CD4 count if 709, which I have found out is OK. I havent fallen off the wagon and I even quit smoking (anything to help the immunity) I now spend most of my time on the net trying to get as much information as I can to prepare myself for the inevitable day I will have to start the treatment.
But one of the hardest things for me now is wanting to share with someone but I cannot. I havent told anybody and I go around feeling I am living some kind of double life. I would rather I didnt have to tell anyone because I do not think I can handle the inevitable stigma that will follow. I cannot start a relationship with anyone because I would inevitably have to talk about my status. Every cough, itch, bump, headache now gets me into panic mode. I feel I owe it to my family (mum and siblings) at least to tell them since they are the ones I am likely to turn to if I ever took a turn for the worse. But I have just started to gain their trust and pride after getting off the booze. I am so afraid that this news would make them very disappointed in me all over again. How and when should I break it to them?
This is the first time I am sharing so you guys will forgive me if I have gone on forever but I just felt I had to share with people who would understand. Thanks
hommenoir 31-35, M 6 Responses 0 May 15, 2012