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I Am HIV Positive

Results Came Back As Positive. I'M 22 Years Old, Young guy And Now I feel numb inside.

By: An EP User
Written on February 5th, 2013
I'm an engineering student and live in the Uk. I've started having random sex hook ups in 2010 and by the time I got into the college
I started being really promiscous. On sunday, I had this random hook up with a girl and she only told she was hiv pos after we finished. I went to the clinic to get PEP ONLY to find out that I was already positive. I felt nothing at the time it was like I was waiting for it. I don't know what to feel it's like nothing has changed in me. Neither physically nor emotionally. I'm on antidepressants so thats must be why I can't get sad ? I just think about my parents. I don't think I will ever tell anyone as I'm able to cope with it myself. But I'm just scared they find out. It would make their lives hell! I feel pretty numb inside.
By: An EP User
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16 responses
  • simnikiwe
    simnikiwe

    wat you goitng throu i have experiensed its tough i agree bt it starts with you;stop impressing other people; people will always talk wether u do right or wrong

    5 days ago
    1 like
  • Lmr80
    Lmr80

    I too recently found out I was hiv positive and I really wasn't expecting to be told so blazay that I was positive, I mean the guy hadbt even sat down properly when he blurted it out. The only way I can discribe how I felt is in the movies when a bomb goes off and the individual is confused and disoriented and everything is almost in a hazed state.. That's very badly what I felt.
    My initial reaction for a split second when they asked me if there was anyone I wanted to call was NO! NEVER NOBODY! But in the second I also realised I could never possibly function closed off from everybody so i immediately called my bast friend who admittedly was taken aback but was calm and said ok, so it's happened, it's horrible but your not going to die! a few things might change but at least it's not cancer.
    It all still rang in my ears and after having some more blood taken from me I was on my way back to work. Shocked and alone I just felt despair back at the office (I work(ed) alone. Unbelievably within an hour or two I had a phone call from the director of the company telling me thay myself and the other members of staff that I was being made redundant.
    It was crazy, I told two other people who I felt I could really trust and luckily I wasn't wrong, they took turns spending the evening with me as I really didnt want to be alone but I can really see how my telling the wrong person could have been a really bad move. Your still very young and without trying or wanting to be condescending at your age is harder to really know who to trust.. I'm 10 years older and I know I would have really struggled to have been confident in my choices of who to trust especially looking back on those past friendships now. You do need to speak to somebody! That's clearly obvious, I've only known I am hiv positive for a few weeks and I'm already on the path to accepting it but that is all down to the support I have had. I'm scared about a lot of things still but I know I can deal with it because I have people who care about me. Please be carful who you tell, I don't say that to scare you, I say it because if you are careful now you won't wish you could un-tell someone. Please at the very least join a local support group, just being able to talk to someone will help you not fall into a state of depression. Life isn't ending for you, you still have a long healthy life ahead of you! We both do! If you need a friend and someone to talk to I'm here for you. L

    Feb 19
    2 likes
    • stanley333
      stanley333

      Thanks for sharing your story also mate! I still think I've not come to the terms what it actually means. I've been reading a lot about treatment and I don't think I will start treatment anytime soon. The majority of cases i read about the patient became significantly worse than before using the drugs to treat HIV. The drug itself is a dna chain stopper and it pretty much affects the other body cells ultimately like the HIV itself. I'm pretty much lost. I haven't told anyone and I don't think I ever will. I really don't even think I might make it after my 30s anymore. After I found out I'm pos, I've noticed that I'm engaging in further self destructive behaviours much more than before like drinking excessive amounts of alcohol and partying too much and having too much sex. It comes as something from my subconcious mind that I don't even wanna do it. I seriously don't know where I'm gonna end up. I don't want to take the drugs, I think I'm just passively commiting suicide by doing this though. Life's weird.

      Feb 26
      1 like
    • Lalin1721
      Lalin1721

      How long does it take your HIV to show up ? 2 months?

      Feb 28
      1 like
    • stanley333
      stanley333

      3 months I think

      Mar 10
      1 like
  • loveispatient34
    loveispatient34

    well thats your own fault - you have to learn how to get self control - take control of yourself - that way you wont have to worry about catching some type of std -

    Feb 11
    1 like
    • stanley333
      stanley333

      Exactly, I've been so stupid for catching it, I don't want to be even more stupid to screw up things even more. I'm really scared of getting sick and my parents actually finding out about it. If they do, well, they are gonna be even more destroyed than me, if that is possible.

      Feb 11
      1 like
    • loveispatient34
      loveispatient34

      and the bright thing about it is that we do not have as many teen preganacies now as we did a few years ago - sex education helps those learn how to have self control

      Feb 11
      1 like
    • stanley333
      stanley333

      I'm not really sure whether sex education really helps anyone how to self control. I'm really educated - I'm part of a prestigious british university. I have been taught and read a lot about sex education and still caught it even though I knew everything that i needed to know. I think that personality matters a lot and that was my weakest point. I'm the type of person who goes too hard on everything and I think that's my problem. I really got what I asked for.

      Feb 11
      1 like
    • Lmr80
      Lmr80

      Helpful.. Not and rather insensitive.
      This poor guy had had some life changing news and is looking for some support on how to deal with this news and all you can say is.. Oh well it's your fault.
      Ok so he had a lapse in safety but he clearly doesn't deserve to have a life long illness!

      Feb 19
      1 like
    1 More Reply
  • skibabi
    skibabi

    Take a deep breath. People LIVE with HIV nowdays, they don't die from it like they used to!

    Feb 7
    3 likes
    • stanley333
      stanley333

      thanks for replying. I keep reading about people dying from Aids. It's so freaky because since I was little my immune system has been really really weak. Every now and then I had a flu or something like that. I had a flu the night before last and it already scared the **** out of me thinking that I would die or something but it's weird because deep inside me I don't really care. I seriously don't know what's going on in my brain.

      Feb 11
      1 like
  • Tal222
    Tal222

    I just wanna say, I'm proud of you that you took those steps! Its still early for you, but its only gonna get worse, and I'm only saying that because I know! I didn't do anything about it for 3 years, until today! I was totally tuned out to everything that was going on with my body, and around me. The fear of someone finding out was unbearable, and I was on heavy SSRIs and Benzos for a long while!
    All I can say is tell at least one person you trust, who has your back no matter what, because you need an outlet. Otherwise down the road you'll be thinking shoulda, woulda, coulda! It sucks, so just do your best to reverse kinase completely now, and you won't feel as **** down the road. I suggest waiting a while, until you're comfortable in your treatment routine, so that you can say - "I ****** up, but I'm doing something about it now!" It would be worse if someone outs you because of physical symptoms, when it's really bad...or worse, your family turns on you, like in my situation, or your friends You might have to rearrange your whole life now, cause its gonna be a big part of it! Get into some regular therapy sessions!
    I'll keep you in my prayers, it's tough out there!

    Feb 7
    2 likes
    • stanley333
      stanley333

      Thanks for the words. I really needed to hear something. I still haven't come into terms I actually am pos. I'm a bit scared to go see my doctor now and have been postponing it for a week. It's really I'm acting like I actually don't care. I think I might be in denial. I've noticed that I'm involving in more self destructive activities than I used to. Like going out partying with my friends and drinking excessively more. Everything seems so weird.

      Feb 11
      1 like
  • hylierandom
    hylierandom

    ((((HUGS))))
    It's frightening, yeah. But none of us have any guarantees. You have a lifelong illness you get to manage-but you can still have a good life.

    Feb 5
    2 likes
    • stanley333
      stanley333

      Thanks for the comment. I'm acting so weird. I'm acting like I haven't got anything. I don't know what's happening to me. I'm thinking everything is fine when deep inside me I know it's not.

      Feb 7
      1 like