I am HIV positive as of March 2008. I found out after my birthday and it was the most devastating news I have ever learned. I was just returning from New York for the first time and I had to study for my finals, so between the studying for the finals and coping with the news I was planning for my wedding. I thought I was going to die, I wanted to end my life the day I got the news. I went to my dorm room and opened a bottle full of ritalin pills, cried, slept, cried, and got up looking at the ritalin bottle. My heart ached, my whole body ached from the news. I wanted a family, I wanted kids, I wanted a normal sex life-I was angry at myself. I know I was a very careful person for every partner I had! I was tore up. I swore I would never tell my mother or sister the most important women in my life. I told them and now I am learning how to deal with it, but I still am dealing with a lot of issues. I feel so alone because I am the only one in my circle of life that has HIV positive. I feel like an outcast... I'm afraid to get intimate with my wife even though she acknowledges the risks. I am not willing to take risks and I need some time to cope with the news. I am trying not to get depressed or hate myself.