Hiv Positive - Newly Diagnosed

Hello



I found out I was hiv+ a few months ago and it has made me very upset.  I can't seem to get myself together and although i want to believe that things are going to be just fine, right now all i feel is regret and sorrow for myself.  My ex-boyfriend infected me.  I don't know if he knew he was positive or not.  When we broke up last year I got tested because I just did not feel healthy.  BIG SHOCK, the results came back positive.  I crumbled immediately, felt ashamed and completely remorseful - why do I blame myself?  I don't know but it is tearing me apart and I can't seem to feel hopeful.  I don't want to live with this (deal with it) and yet, I am not selfish enough to hurt myself and consequently everyone who loves me...

 

Anyway, right now it is my big secret.  I have not told anyone about my status - only my doctor.  I have a hard time not coming to tears when I talk to her or when I think about it.  I cry often when alone.  I am conflicted about keeping all of this to myself because I am afraid of the reactions of others.  It is against my nature to hide - I am a very outgoing person.  Or, I used to be outgoing.  Now I am depressed and do not feel like interacting with anyone. When I found this site, I decided to be brave and join.  It makes me feel better to read other peoples stories and perspectives.  I am so thankful to the others who have shared their insight and who give honest comments about their experiences.



I am trying to hang on, wait for the wave of numbness and horror to pass.  I wait to feel less regret and self-hate. 

 

Thank you for reading.  M.

Manuela01 Manuela01
36-40, F
19 Responses Feb 27, 2010

Hi Manuela
Its Delarisr

Hi manuela01,<br />
<br />
This might come as a shock but HIV is not sexually transmitted ... It never was ... And the so-called HIV antibody tests are bogus!<br />
<br />
Antibiotics, pharmaceutical drugs, and other toxins will kill you ... Not HIV!

I just got tested for HiV, im really scared & i find myself praying to God 24/7 that its anything but HIV . I haven't really been sick, but I have little bean sized lymph nodes enlarged & the same lymph nodes are enlarged in my groin area . I am really, really scared I break down & cry when I get a headache or I have diarrhea because Im feel like my body/life is wasting away . My diarrhea has been pretty mild on & off . I went to the hospital & they said I most likely had a bacterial infection & they gave me pills & a shot in the butt . But two months later my throat is sore & more lymph nodes are popping up they really dont hurt but they are uncomfortable . I can only pray from here ........ Im only 17

i have the exact same feelings. I went to the doctor for a different reason and regular blood work last week. he then called me yesterday and told me that I was positive. i wanted to die right there and then. i had no idea what he was talking about... I have a huge board exam coming up in 4 weeks and I am supposed to study 10-12 hours per day. instead im crying, have a headache, lots of anxiety and searching the net. <br />
<br />
I am scared. wish i could turn back time... <br />
<br />
The worst is that I feel sad for my family. I will never tell them, but they never deserve this... <br />
<br />
I haven't had food since I heard those words from the doc on the phone... i was feeling healthy and happy before the news but now i feel weak and horrible... <br />
<br />
...

First I would like to say thank you for sharing your experience with us, it helps BIG time. I was diagnosed about back in 2009 and till now I just couldn’t do anything about it due to a fear of admitting it to my self. Hey you must be thinking I am in denial but no I it just hurt so much thinking I am going to die alone because I haven’t told anyone yet and not planning to do so. I wouldn’t dare confessing to my family since they are conservative and religious therefore I know it would just crash them so much. So fare I found it easier to just lock the situation and carry on living normal while protecting those close to me from being infected by any coincidence. <br />
<br />
Then again as time went I guess it become unbearable and its eating me inside I have no one to talk with. A lot goes in my mind in one day n not sharing it with no one is killing me so I decided to look for a HIV social group when I found this site. As you mentioned it its supportive to know that I am not the only one who is going through in this and the advice and story of others makes me strong so now THANK GOD I am brave enough to share some of my experiences. I LOVE your enthusiasm and positive thoughts, I share your hope one day we will able to be freed from this disease together and It will not be a cause of millions death, subject of discrimination no more , depression etc. I don’t wish HIV for any human being, not even to my the people who hurt me so deep. <br />
<br />
Just a final word to tree land, although I appreciate you have been supportive and all that to her I would like to pint to that not always you can protect your self from HIV by being so carefully as u claim you are now. Well n good you are cautious but some people get infected through different ways: some are born with the disease, some are raped, some their partner cheat on them which can be a way of getting infected through him even though I are tested at the beginning and kept to do so ever 3 month. You know HIV has a nature of being hidden for 3month once infected and that is the reason doctors advice you to get tested after 3month to be sure. So all this is to say not everyone who has got HIV has been stupid to care less for themselves. No matter how much you protect your self things happen without your knowledge and power. Peace!

please dont hate yourself , beat yourself up or put youself down about your situation. i know its a hard situation and i do believe you will be just fine & Godbless.

Hey, I am kinda new at this myself I just recently found out about 2 months ago that I too am HIV positive. At first I only told my cousin but know all of my close friends and family know about it. I have to say that I was VERY scared to admit outloud that I WAS positive but the moment I did I felt a HUGE relief that I had. Now I no longer cry alone, I cry with others. And I am so thankful for all of thier support because I know I couldnt do this on my own. Keep your head held high girl! Enjoy life it is NOT over yet, unless you give up! If you ever need to talk shoot me a message! Good luck with your journey! ;) <br />
Johnny*

What happend to you was not your fault so you should not be ashamed.. The most important thing is for you to take care of your self, tell your famaliy when your ready. You have to stop beating your self up over this, love your self, be good to your self. Education is the key so read up on hiv and ways to stay healthy because no matter how you fell right now, im here to tell you that you are important and your life matters, and remember were all here for you when ever you need a shoulder to lean on. My heart gose out to you.

Hi Manuela, I am glad that u r trying to pull yourself together. I guess now you have to do is to eat more healthy food and live for the people who loves you. I know it's very hard to keep it to only yourself, but I am glad u found a good way to express your feelings here. Me too, i did thought of telling to my parents about what I am going through but I did not in the end, because I don't want them to feel upset and worry for me. And I found here, a good way for me to let my fear, worries and my feelings out. I am waiting for my next anti bodies test in two months time. I don't agree to what treeland said, because it's no point saying all of that. By saying protecting himself or herself, sometime accident do happen. Manuela, I admire your courage. Good night.

Take one step at a time live the present like it was ultimately all you had left , and live it as positively as possible. Whether we are sick or in good health death will come knocking without warning us anyway. So why jeopardise your life at the moment with an unchangeable past? please don't live in your residual, energy flows where attention goes. Remember that you are the captain of you ship{life} it's either you let it sink or take it ashore. Only the present counts, just like when driving a car in the dark, your head lights will only show you the next 200 feet that unfolds ahead of you and you know well that that's all you need for now. Best of luck and GOD bless you

i was told i was hiv positive on may 10 2010 it was like sticking my finger<br />
<br />
in a light socket. since then i have gotten a doctor and i started atripla 2<br />
<br />
weeks ago i never really flipped out about it like a person typically would. <br />
<br />
i figure that worrying wont get me anywhere but more stressed out and that cant be good<br />
<br />
i told everyone i know right away including past sex partners and for the most part everyone was <br />
<br />
supportive the 2 partners ihad got tested and were negitive so that was a relief.<br />
<br />
i go back to the doctors on august 5 so hopefully my numbers look better

As for the meds, do not be scared and go get them. You will be fine and live a healthy life. Do not let this hiv stuff define you. There are plenty of activities in life you can involve yourself with. If you have no one to talk to you, talk to me. Tell me your fears and worries and I will show you that life is still beautiful no matter what.

Hello,
I received the news that I was HIV+ a week ago. I have not told anyone! I have scheduled an appt w an infectious disease doctor. I am stressed but know that meds will give me a great quality of life. How do you tell people about this, or who should you tell? Are you on meds? Any side effects?

Hello,<br />
<br />
I first posted my story back in February. I have been up, down, and every which way in between. I have spent many, many hours thinking about my life and things. I have tried not to focus on the negative but some days are just meant for crying it out. I check the Experience Project site from time to time and am so relieved to read so many words of encouragement - even just a few words tells me someone has heard me. Oh, thank you for reading and for responding to my story. I do believe in synergy - every action produces another action. All of your words have made me realize, we don't live in a vacuum - I am trying to hang in there. I am trying. Thank you, thank you.<br />
<br />
An update: I have continued to monitor my hiv status - numbers continue to slide. My doctor plans on prescribing meds soon- I don't know which ones yet. I know it is the best thing to do, get on medication that is, but I am so scared...<br />
<br />
Anyway, this is the only place on the internet that I have been strong enough to reveal my story. I do want to say how much it has kept me going to feel everyone's energy. <br />
<br />
Someone wrote, "if one of us has hiv, we all have hiv." I believe that. I wish none of us had hiv - no one deserves to live in this kind of uncertainty. I am pulling for a cure. One day we will all be free of hiv together. Until then we must remember, either way we are still all in this world together. <br />
<br />
Manuela

dear manuela, <br />
i feel for you, my dear. i just got tested for HIV and i'm waiting for the results... and i'm very scared. if i do have it, i think i will react like you are... so i can really relate to you. let's both just try to take deep breaths and relax... and remember that life is never hopeless... we will find a way to survive, and to live well. thinking of you with love in my heart.

dear manuela, <br />
i feel for you, my dear. i just got tested for HIV and i'm waiting for the results... and i'm very scared. if i do have it, i think i will react like you are... so i can really relate to you. let's both just try to take deep breaths and relax... and remember that life is never hopeless... we will find a way to survive, and to live well. thinking of you with love in my heart.

Stupidity is fine until we run out of luck ! <br />
You should have never had sex with your ex-boyfriend without having him checked for all stds including hiv and again you checked his promiscuity. This was really stupid act but no matter what, all you got to do now is to pick yourself up. Life is larger than disease including HIV. If you were to come again in this world, there is one thing I want you to know about this world. There are very few people with conscience and true lovers. All we got is plenty of sexual predators - people incapable of falling in love or incapable of protecting the loved one. I know this therefore I protect myself non-stop and as a result - no hiv for me.

Stupidity is fine until we run out of luck ! <br />
You should have never had sex with your ex-boyfriend without having him checked for all stds including hiv and again you checked his promiscuity. This was really stupid act but no matter what, all you got to do now is to pick yourself up. Life is larger than disease including HIV. If you were to come again in this world, there is one thing I want you to know about this world. There are very few people with conscience and true lovers. All we got is plenty of sexual predators - people incapable of falling in love or incapable of protecting the loved one. I know this therefore I protect myself non-stop and as a result - no hiv for me.

Hi Manuela,<br />
I cannot begin to imagine what you must be going thorugh right now. However you must stay strong and note blame yourself. You are just one of the many unfortunate individuals living with this, through no real fault of your own. Who does'nt make mistakes eh? Please try to stay positive and think of the advances in treatment nowadays. Pease contact me if you want someone to talk to.<br />
<br />
M.

Hi Manuela,<br />
<br />
No matter what me or anyone else has to say,at the end of the day we can just sympathize with you but the pain can only be felt by you yourself.What i can do is to give you hope because people who do not have hope don't have much.I was in touch with a Hiv positive lady from Africa ( Her name is Delarise) and she has now become a councilor.She told me just one thing which i really believe in and which should help you too. " Life was never guaranteed,before or after we got it".Each day is meant to be lived fully and realized.There is life after HIV and you are just like any of us,please don't feel as if life has come to an end or anything as there are developments happening each day in the field of medicine and they are improving for the better.I hope they come out with a cure soon,be strong,have faith,exercise regularly and eat healthy and you will be just fine.If you need to talk or need help don't hesitate to email me at :<br />
<br />
Bit_2_hard_2_get@yahoo.co.in<br />
<br />
Best wishes,<br />
Vik

Hi Vik Its Delarise