I Wouldn't Call It A Morbid Fear

I used to be quite a normal kid in school. I'd hug my teachers,friends ,anybody because I liked to be close to people. But I suddenly stop when I was around the age of 11. One day I was taken to a place by someone I knew,since Kindergarten , so I trusted this person and followed without questioning.It wasn't just 1, there were 3 others.They brought me somewhere and I don't want to get into any detail but long story short they did things to me which I have suppressed for years now.

Ever since that happened I CANNOT stand people getting close to me. I get extremely uncomfortable and very nervous. I'm still in school,high school to be exact, and it's hard for me because everyone sees me as a giant germaphobe and whenever one of my teachers ask me why I'm like this I keep my mouth shut cause it's something I don't like to talk about.

About a week ago, I finally told a friend what happened . I thought I could trust him. He wondered why I was so disgusted by anything sexual. He said that he somewhat knew that happened to me cause of the way I act.

The next day I must have angered him in a way for him to say that my view on sex was insulting and wrong.He had to understand that the things I said,there was a reason why.

He made me feel so ashamed of myself.I felt that what happened to me,I didn't do enough to stop it and it was somehow my fault. I cried almost every night after that happened and we haven't really talk ever since he said that. Recently, I don't think I can trust anybody .

I can't even think about it without tearing up. I want to have this weight lifted off of my shoulders but I can't bear having to speak to someone about it again. Somehow, writing it here, I know I can connect to other people and it makes me feel a little better.
An Ep User An EP User
2 Responses Jan 20, 2013

look into EMDR! Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is a one-on-one form of psychotherapy that is designed to reduce trauma-related stress, anxiety, and depression symptoms associated with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
And CBT: cognitive behavioural therapy. Its goal is to change patterns of thinking or behavior caused by trauma that continue to make the patient unhappy.
The friend you confided in likely ignorant of psychological issues and just plain immature. He also was not a good friend.
There is help. Its not quick or easy (although EMDR is said to work wonders w/ many ppl quite quickly compared to traditional therapy) but it's worth it! When you feel better you will look back with so much sorrow for your current self who is suffering. Don't let it continue to ruin your life. Don't let the evil people win! Fight back and take your life back. get some EMDR!

I struggle from Haphephobic too and I want to say I'm so sorry about what happened with you and your friend's relationship with you and that's not fair to judge someone for things they can't help your friend was very wrong
I know your under a lot of stress so I think I know how to help you, what happened to you with those people I know you don't want to talk about but if you tell authorities (police) about what happened to you soon you might feel more better or at least be happy that the horrible things people have done to you they won't get away with it that easily
Therapy too I know it sucks to think about going it's slow and I'm in it right now but most say it helps =/ it'll help you lift that stress off your shoulders, so don't get offended I just want to help you :) I understand how hard this must be for you even if I can't say I know exactly what your feeling, have a nice day I hope things get better :) (feel free to reply back in fact it would be awesome if you did :D)