Being Childfree And Dating In Your 40's

I have been divorced for almost eleven years now and trying to date. i am always being asked why I don't have children. I never know what to say because people judge you right away. Try explaining that to a guy you want to date. I honestly get judged and it is so hard. It is not as if I don't like children. I just didn't think I could handle having them. Is that so wrong? It is bad enough explaining why I am still single, but now I have to add this to my list of things to explain.

Can anyone give me some suggestions on what to say so it stops them from asking? I think it should be your own choice what you do and just because you don't do what everyone else does, it doesn't make you a bad person.

nef1127 nef1127
3 Responses May 20, 2012

There's really nothing to say, to be quite honest. There is a social expectation you are't meeting. People are going to scratch their heads in bewilderment, and may be even judge, because their human. Probably the first thing is not to apologize for it. What makes it a problem is that if you or anyone who commented on not wanting children gave any of the above explanations, they throw a bad connotation on the decision or the life-circumstances of others who have had children. You risk sounding self-absorbed and/or unstable. You do not have to explain yourself beyond saying you path did not involve having children. Maybe even talk about how enriched your life is as a way of diverting the conversation to a more neutral, less controversial topic. Fully answering questions like that on a first date, regardless of how inciteful and positive, can ruin any first date.

I get that all the time too. I have a few replies depending on who is asking. A pushy/obnoxious person who doesn't accept (or argues against) my default answer of "I just never wanted children" will get a follow up lie "Look, I can't have children due to medical issues ... thanks for reminding me the psychological shield I use on myself isn't a good enough answer for the world" THAT will forever make them think twice before being pushy on anyone else in the future.

I dont want children either. I value my freedom and enjoy my financial stability. Children take away both of those things. If I had someone take away those things from me, I would resent them... Why would I want to bring a child into the world just to resent them? That would make me not only a bad parent, but a bad person. I don't seek out to be a bad person, so I am not going to seek out having children.