Why Ain't You Got Kids!?

When I was 21 and a junior in college, I worked at a big box discount store for two weeks. During my second week, I was physically attacked by one of my coworkers who was a 19 year old mother of two. Her exact words to me were, "Why ain't you got kids!?" and when I answered, "I don't want kids! Plus, I'm still in college" she started cursing at me, then lunged for me and knocked me to the ground. She was fired for her actions, but I quit too.

Luckily I haven't experienced anything quite as severe as that since! People still act like I have two heads at times when I tell them I don't want children. I'm 36 now and until this year I was in a 10 year marriage with a man who was sterile and claimed to be very happy about living child free. Looking back, I don't think he actually felt so good about it. He saw the benefits to our lifestyle but I think secretly he wished he could be a father. When his confirmed-bachelor best friend wound up becoming a dad, my ex seemed to go into a jealous rage. Very strange. Our marriage ended for other reasons.

Being a woman who is not a mother is freakin' AWESOME in my book. I love being able to do what I want, when I want. I'm a college graduate and work full-time at a job I like fairly well, but I live extremely frugally so that I almost never have money issues. I feel as though I kinda live my own fantasy most of the time, and have avoided major trouble with anxiety (which I have had all my life) by doing so much self-nurturing stuff. My typical day begins with a luxurious hot bath and leisurely breakfast before work. My friends with kids start their day screaming at their preteens, arguing with their husbands, and feeding babies in a mad dash to get everyone out the door. One of them says she is lucky to run a brush through her hair.

Friendship is the one area that is a little disappointing for me as a child free woman. I have thus far been unsuccessful in finding like-minded female friends. I do have a couple of very good friends who are moms but manage to find a balance that includes friendship. I'm not one of the child free people who just LOVES kids, in fact most of the time I'd prefer not to be around people under age 8 if at all possible...but I do take some interest in their kids and their maternal roles, I'm not completely oblivious to that. I seem to meet a lot of very fun and interesting women who then turn into total zombies (mombies!) when they have kids. It's very disappointing.

I have sought out like-minded people through groups like No Kidding and others, but it has not been fruitful for me. A lot of the people I meet are much younger than I am and actually plan to have children in the future. That doesn't make a lot of sense to me...why identify with a group that's all about permanently being child free when you're just "living child free" from 20-30? I also met several women in those circles who have stepchildren, and in my book that's a whole separate group even if you do not plan to have children yourself. A lot of them took up group time complaining about their husband's kids and it irritated me. I don't date men with kids for a REASON. I wanted to say, "Look...I am just as uninterested in your stepchildren as I would be in your biological children."

Now I'm in a relationship with a guy who is so serious about remaining child free, he got a vasectomy two weeks after I aborted our unwanted pregnancy. I was on Depo Provera and was one of the rare cases of women who get pregnant on it, but fortunately I found out very quickly. That is the only time I have ever had that happen and I certainly do not intend for it to ever happen again. I love knowing that my boyfriend (whom I hope to stay with permanently) is 100% sure just like I am.

I complained a lot above about the downsides to being child free, but mostly because I rarely find a place to vent about this. Actually, I feel like there is almost NO downside to it! I love my life.

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13 Responses Nov 28, 2012

I'm happy to be childfree

You should never have to explain your choices.

Sounds like that lady was just jealous of your freedom! :P
Glad to see your enjoying this lifestyle! It's great! :D

I think it is rather funny that this female attacked you. You probably seemed so free to her...and she knows she is in prison doing her time for 20 years at least...for making some bad decisions in her life to get pregnant not once but twice and sadly before age 19.

What a wreck she must be to have to work at a big box store with no hope for her future other than children that she cannot afford to take care of. Imagine having her life...I would have let her have a free punch to my face saying I felt sorry for her after the fact. At least your face would heal in a week, where her life is completely fractured...and she is definitely hurting...knowing now that she should have made better choices when she was younger...bless her...she will need love and support because she will have a hard road.

I love your story especially the comparison of morning routines. You are not selfish nor immature for knowing your limits and capabilities! I, too, suffer from anxiety and I would deem myself unable to raise a child effectively. The worst possible thing though, is when your friends recount the awful details of childbirth: The searing pain, splitting flesh, the vomiting... And then they demand to know why you're not having children yet! Well, gee, no one makes it seem that appealing! And then, on top of that, you will be devoting the rest of your life to this child who may just grow up to hate your guts. I find that emotionally draining, and I would rather focus on myself and being the best person I can be for my spouse instead of spawning another being who will suck the life outta me.

Good for you! We had 4 kids but thats what we wanted! I am happy for you! GOOD LUCK in your life!

>_> I want to get a vasectomy... Yet for some reason people do not want to give me one. Right now is hell in my life because my family is going through its first wave of reproduction. I feel like the spawn is a joint at some middle school party. Everyone wants you to touch it despite the fact that you cut them off before the finish the question. Oh well, I guess that is life, people want to know you are miserable like them too.

It is my age mostly, and I doubt I could convince a female to come along and lie with me. Maybe I can get one of my cousins to come along and pretend... eh either way... I doubt I would get it to work... not until there are three kids hovering around me as I beg them to turn it off... >_> lucky for me females seem to be naturally turned off by me so it is not like I have had sex anytime in years. I guess I am safe.... for the rest of my life.

Yeah, well for now I have other priorities and since I do not have to worry about accidentally creating one it is not a huge concern. The only reason I want one is because of the principle. I doubt I will ever use it in my lifetime.

Good for you! I am married with 2 children and I am very happy. I was single until age 36 and I had a lot of freedom but I was lonely at times. If people really know themselves like its sounds that you do, making the choice that you have made is healthy. My only advice is to be open to what your heart wants now, and not be stuck with the same story of why you are happy without children. Sometimes our ego helps us defend deals that we made with ourselves long ago. Just thinking out-loud. Thank you....

It's good to know that some females like you exist.

I agree totally. I never had kids. Never really wanted any. I so glad I never had any.

I will never understand these people who get so worked up about another person's lack of children. There's something seriously wrong with them. Usually they just come out with some trenchant remark like, "Well, people like you shouldn't have children anyway!" and walk off huffing and puffing. I can't believe that whack-a-doo actually physically attacked you just for living your life the way you want to and for sticking up for it. Good for you for defending yourself.

It's wonderful that you know your own mind and are able to vocalize it.

When I was an eight year old boy my mother had some friends over.She asked me how many children I would have and I thought about it and said ZERO !! You'll change your mind she said but inside I already knew that I was not to have children.

At 12,16,18,22,25,29,33 and 36 I was asked this same question by others.Then a while ago I was diagnosed with a DNA Neurological Disorder that I can pass on to a child.

My wife and I have been together 33 years and do you know what we love about children ? The answer is that we love when people have children and love and nurture them.Some have said we hate children but that is not true.We believe that it is a calling and I have not ever heard that calling.