My Life Is Not Like Others

People talk of picture perfection. they say inner beauty and outer beauty make you perfect. But the emotions and feelings you feel are private right? for me as long as I can remember I feel I should not't't't't't be here like my life was someone Else's. As I child I would have friends but temporary. I guess I was a mess, being jealous never helped my brother was the Golden child and clearly still is. I had dreams like "normal" people. The only time I ever felt wanted came from a bad experience. I was raped, I fell pregnant and I loved my son..... eventually and then that was too late. I met the man I eventually married FOOLISHLY married.... I should have know the first time he asked me to change... telling me I was imperfect  telling me I was incomplete. He would beat me , he would lash out at me with his tongue he still does this and he knows it clearly hurts.......... he would promise me he would change and like I fool I would listen.... I ran to be with him now I am too scared to run from him... LOVE scares me now what does it mean? an in perfection of change a life of miss understandings a reason with no rhyme? I wonder what my existence is I wonder why life picked me is it to suffer is it to watch as everyone else gets on with it? many times I have tried to leave this life of pretending I am fine, that me is acceptable that I am incomplete.... confused... so am I.
I cry so much I feel so numb but that's in The shadows... sometimes people see but I make out I am fine............. when I get close to people they die, change towards me or leave.... I feel like Wallpaper a fake existence an abnormal life where pain is my truth........ I never wanted to die so bad  I wish you would understand I wish you would see I guess the pain sets in and the hurt is replaced I sit here as he screams as he threatens as he hurts more an I take it I listen I believe is that a life to lead. I am an imperfection magnet you will never understand