Ani Says It Best...

I want to be happy with myself but I can never get there. I am only 21 and I have already let myself go. I don't care but I do care, I am a giant contradiction! I do believe everyone is beautiful regardless of how they look, but I exclude myself from "everybody". I look at myself and see how much weight I have gained over the last few years and I just want to die! My nose is too big my eyes are too close together my face is hiddeously fat! I am embarrassed to go out because I like to try to look sexy for my girl but, they don't make sexy fat girl clothes! I used to be a little hottie but now I just feel like people take one look at me and are disgusted! Especially people I went to high school with, I weighed about 130 pounds and was an athlete and well a nice looking girl. But they see me and they act like nothing has changed but they have that look in their eyes, that, "holy crap what happend to her" look! My girlfriend and my friends and family tell me that I am beautiful and why does it matter because I have been with the same girl for 4 years who do I have to impress! That is so not the point. I want people to look at me when I walk in the room and be like "Wow! She is hot!" Not because I am shallow and think life is about looks because if that were true I would have never gotten so big. I guess what I want is not for them to drool over me but I don't want everybody to look when I enter the room and think "wide load, coming thru" I just want to FEEL beautiful. I have f****d my life up pretty good and I am really freakin young! I say shoulda, coulda, woulda, everyday I wake up!
silentsidhe silentsidhe
22-25, F
1 Response Jan 18, 2008

I feel the same way as you do. I used to think I was fat back in high school, and now when I look at pictures of myself back then, I'm like "what were you complaining about?" I've gained so much weight in the past 3 years that I'm disgusted with myself. Then when I run into people from college/high school and my exes I'm like "crap, I wish I looked better".<br />
I say the exact same thing every day "should've worked out, could have worked out, would have if ....".