Mistakes Missed Chances And (ex)girlfriends.

She left me only last week and I can't stop thinking about her. Everything reminds me of her. I think about the good times and it makes me sad and I miss her so much. I think about the bad things and what went wrong and I feel guilty about how I ****** it up. I try not to think about her but I can't, she keeps forcing her way into my head. I loved her so much. I still love her so much. I try to move on. I can get my head straight for a few hours but the emotion and the guilt and the sorrow come creeping back and catch me unawares. I struggle to sleep properly too, my bed feels so empty without her next to me.

My first ever girlfriend got in touch with me shortly after I became single, wanting to meet up. She was flirty and dropped some hints. I still care about her and she's very attractive but I don't want to be with her again, it'll never work. We tried to get back together this time last year but I needed it to be on my terms too much. I don't want to mess her about or lead her on, but I want to see her, it'll be nice to catch up and have someone to talk to about everything but I'm scared she'll try something and I don't know what I'll do, what I should do or what I even want to do.

Then there's the missed chance. The girl I turned down to be with the latest girl who just left me. She started flirting with me a lot when I saw her yesterday at the club. She's flirty normally but it was more than that, I knew right away. I told my friends there and then not to let me go off with her alone if we were both quite drunk because I simply didn't trust myself. She has a boyfriend, though he seemed really down, blue, subdued and vacant for most of the evening. I don't know if their relationship is on the rocks and she's looking for a way out, other options. I don't want to think about it because it's killing me. At the end of the night she hugged me, but it was more than a hug. It lasted far longer than a typical hug and I didn't want to let go. Our eyes met briefly as we stepped back and the look in those eyes drove me insane. I wanted to kiss her so badly it was tearing me apart. She meant a lot to me before I went out with the other girl. For a while I wondered if I'd even made the right choice, but then I fell in love with the other girl she became a footnote. Now I don't know...

The truth is I don't know what I want. I guess I want to feel loved and have someone there to hold and to feel secure with. I want this weight off my mind. I want to know what I want. I want something or someone to live for and to hold on to. I want to be happy. I'm obviously hurting having lost a woman I love and maybe I'm feeling differently about the other two because I'm yearning for the affection and intimacy that I've recently lost. I'll figure it out, I just don't know where my head's at right now.
chewyconor chewyconor
26-30, M
May 11, 2012