I have no motivation or ambition. The weather sucks. I just want to talk with someone. I wish my husband was here. I feel like I'm a bad person if I don't do something "worthwhile" with my time. I hope I'm ok. I hope I'm not a failure. I should clean my house, but it seems overwhelming & pointless. I have no idea what to do right now. I feel stuck. I just wish my husband was here. I wish it would stop raining. I wish I didn't feel pressured to work tonight. *sigh* No idea what I should do. Just want someone to talk to. But not because I'm sad. I just want to hear from a friend, just because they're my friend. *sigh* Why does that always seem like the cure-all for me, & I'm not ok til that happens or the sun comes out? And why do I feel like I can't reach out to any of my friends? Help! I just want to know what I can do to feel better. And I hate that that seems to be my obsession in life. But depression sucks so much! How can fighting it not be my obsession? There are people in my life who preach about doing the right thing over feeling good. And I get that to a point, but I feel like they take it to an extreme. An extreme that I'm not ok with, & it makes me feel like a bad person that'd I'd rather not feel miserable. I guess in my mind, it's all about perspective. You can change how you feel about something if you change the way you think about it. But to them, the important thing is not changing your perspective, but simply doing the right thing even if you have a horrible attitude. It's almost like they preach beating yourself into submission. That feelings don't matter & you're a bad Christian if you think they do. I'm not ok with that! Seriously, just tell me what I need to do to get out of this funk & then I'll do something more productive. I'm not going to lie about my feelings or pretend they aren't there. But I also don't want to use them as an excuse to be a lazy-***. I want to change my perspective so that I can change my feelings & do what I'm supposed to do. Blah, blah, blah. I'm such a rambler today. Oh, & my ankle hurts too! Stupid weather! Stupid injury! Stupid mountains! I don't want to have surgery again! Wahh! Ok, not gonna lie. Sometimes it feels good to complain. But I'm done now. Still don't know what I'm going to do. But I'm done.
SaundraMae SaundraMae
31-35, F
Aug 19, 2014