He's Got a Long History of Lying, and Once My Trust Is Broken It's Hard For Me to Trust Again
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost one year. I thought it was moving at a great pace and it's baffling to me that we've been together this long, as we are both divorced individuals who had been seeking a new life long partner. I was quick to develop strong emotions for him within the first few months perhaps because I hadn't been in a relationship since my ex. I dated one man for four months and it turned out to go nowhere I ended up very hurt by his lies and actions, but I was quick to bounce back without any problems.
When we first started dating, I don't think we had an idea of where it was going, whatever it was it just went naturally. I was with him almost every weekend and our relationship grew. Finally I told him I wanted to pick a date and we did, this was about 4 months into it.
I never questioned him about where he was/what he was doing/etc, I never doubted what he said if he told me where he was/what he was doing on his own. I trusted him without a shadow of a doubt and I was very happy with him. His actions with me up until a certain point made me confident that he was the person I could be with.
Five months after we first started seeing each other, he started displaying behaviors that were very odd, some would characterize his actions as "shady" or secretive. He was very fidgity, couldn't sit still and just seemed like his mind was not with me. The first indicator was when we stopped having sex for 3 or more weeks. I began to ponder the idea of trusting him, I was on the lookout for any signs that could indicate he was lying- I looked for patterns if I thought he was lying, in other words, I began watching him very closely before bringing any of my concerns to the surface because I needed to make sure it wasn't me being insecure or making false assumptions.
His behaviors began when he introduced me to his friends whom he considers family, for the first time. These are married couples who have begun to have children or have had children within the last 3 years. I could tell immediately that he began to think about where he was at in his life and he was beating himself up over his divorce and comparing where he is at in his life to where they are in theirs, and he began to get very spacey. (This isn't an assumption, it's fact). The week prior to this we stopped having sex and the week after we didn't have sex. I think to anyone this is a first noticeable sign that something is wrong, even if it's anything.
The week after we got back he called me and asked me if he could "make a deal with me". He wanted to pick me up on a Wednesday and take me out for dinner in exchange for fantasy football at the bar with the guys on Thursday.
I'm not a person who needs to approve of my boyfriend spending time with his male friends and I was quick to tell him thank you for involving me in that, but asking my permission isn't necessary. (Looking back on this now, I think he was asking me permission because he had an agenda for getting something else he wanted.) When he picked me up for dinner that week he then revealed to me that on Friday he was going to meet one of his male friends at his house and drive to that friends' moms house because it was her birthday and they wanted to have drinks. Then the two of them were going to the bar. I'm not an idiot. I repeated that back to him letting him know that it sounded like a lie and then there was silence (not exaggerating) for 20 or so minutes.
We get home that night and his male roommate (there are two) came home talking about football and the bar. It was Wednesday. That was the second time that night that I thought he was lying to me, since he asked to do what his roommate just revealed on Thursday.
Friday comes and goes. He calls me very late to tell me he was on his way home from the bar.
Saturday comes and I find out he called his ex girlfriend (who is young) after he got off the phone with me. I asked him what time he got home and he told me a time later than what he should have been home, considering the bar is 20 minutes from his house.
So he picks me up and takes me out that night, to the same bar. Believe me I questioned him about it. We get home and we're both excited to finally talk about sex after so many weeks and we walk into his room and he hands me a pair of shorts and asks me if they're mine. NO!
You can see how the issues developed.
I'm not going to justify his behaviors, but to date those shorts have become known as the "mysterious shorts" since master invisible placed them on his bed, of course he blames his roommates for putting them there and he spent all day Sunday trying to defend the article and himself. I still thought he was lying, and then I started thinking he was cheating, or cheated.
In my mind, this is how I rationalized it: no sex, met friends, acts strange, wants to make a "deal", goes out with "guy and mom", calls ex gf and next day, "strange mysterious shorts appear by master of the world"....To date that's all I've got to say about that..the best I can come up with (please tell me what you rationalize it to be)....
So anyway- I'm really trying to keep this short but it's so hard-
Ever since this incident, I can't trust him. I'm trying to but the questioning and doubt is there. I try to tell myself maybe I'm just insecure and perhaps that's marginally true...but then how do I explain everything else that happened following this event?
Following this event, I found out he wasn't only talking to one ex but three. They all live near him, within the zip code ( I thought at the time)..A few weeks ago I found out that the girl he called after the bar, one of his ex's, is or was also his next door neighbor..
So we had fights about that. I found a collection of inappropriate photos he kept that one of these girls gave him, which he to date doesn't know that I know about. After that, it just escalated.
Months passed, the arguments have grown, and the most recent thing I discovered was probably the truest most obvious red flag that should make me walk away. Tell me what YOU would do in my situation or how you would handle something like this (especially if you are a woman, please try to put yourself in my shoes)..
I found text messages, that apparently "master invisible" responsible for the shorts wanted me to know...
(Forgive my sarcasm)
I found correspondence between him and another girl, and this girl was not one of the three..Not an ex that ever came to my mind.
He was "breaking up with her" for the first 4 months we were together. (Here is another viewpoint of my own regarding that; you don't spend that long breaking up with someone- you either say goodbye/cut it off or you don't.)
She came to the house when I was with him. His roommates lied for him. He lied to me. He lied to her. I'm not going to divulge any more about that but I would like to say that he sent a message stating verbatim to his female coworker saying, "oh my god, you have no idea what just happened, closest encounter in my man ***** career"..and she said "how did you save it, I can't believe you're THAT good"...
I also found correspondence to this woman saying, "i'm surprised you didn't come by my work or call me at work. Maybe I can go to his house (him=same guy who's "mom had a birthday") and call you from his phone and we can talk about it then..
Now when this guys name comes up, I KNOW it's an ALIBI. He is a safety net. I don't trust his friend either now or his roommates or his coworkers.
When I confronted him about what I found, he lied to my face. He said there was nothing between them and there never had been (even though the TEXT mesages clearly indicate an intimate relationship). You can't argue proof.
He continued to change his story and finally stated that she is just a resource and he borrowed money (3900.00) from her.
This is the BIGGEST ISSUE I think I have been confronted with in our relationship. Forget for a moment about the lies and possible cheating..he went to ANOTHER WOMAN who he was in a short (1 or 2 month) intimate relationship with and asked her for money to pay his debts.
What role do I play in our relationship if he has taken that away from me? We are together (at this point it was 8 months) and he can't communicate with me.
My relationship lacks respect, communication, and trust. Without these, what do we have? Ideals? Potential? Possibilities?
Yet I am still with him, allowing him to justisfy what he does and where he is at when he isn't with me. And I think that is one issue I've thought of; he is content with me when he's with me, but when he's not with me, he doesn't want me to know what he's doing or where he's at or who he's with and in his mind he thinks he has to answer to me and he doesn't want to. And the more time I spend with him, the more he thinks he can get away with and will try to..
I know this story to some readers may sound long winded and I could have summed it up in a few short sentences. But share with me what you think is true. You're opinions and viewpoints are welcome because I believe that whoever reads this may have a perspective to share or insight that I may not have considered. All I ask is that whoever you are, you are respectful of me and my experience that I have so openly shared.