All New To Me.

For the past few months, I've been going through something. For so long I couldn't put my finger on what it was. Then, the other day I heard someone talking about a "Quarter life crisis" and I researched it. I'd heard of mid-life crises, but never quarter life. Lately, I am detached from everyone and everything. All I can think about is breaking free. I've been researching vacations, planning them out in my head. I want to buy a ticket to Los Angeles and just go. I've never done anything for myself, by myself, EVER.

With my impending 21st birthday, I feel the urge to just let go so strongly. I want to go on a vacation, where I get to call the shots, with nobody there to make my trip miserable for me, like every other vacation I've gone on. I want to get drunk, dance and eat my heart out, and maybe even have some kind of "vacation romance." I've never lived on the edge. I feel like I'm about to lose my childhood, and I've never gotten to be a child. After October, I will never be excused for doing anything childlike in nature.

I want to turn my phone off, and throw it against the wall, pack my bag, leave my laptop sitting here on my bed, and take off without telling anyone. I'm just, I don't know, SOOO sick of people. I could scream. I feel so much angst towards everyone. I guess it is my envy. Everybody has a lot more freedom than I do. I also feel like a failure for all the things I haven't accomplished by this birthday, that everyone else has. Pretty much every person I know my age (and younger) has their driver's license, is almost done with college, has some good job, a fiance/husband, and their own place.

I can't take the vacation that I want to take, because I've got to find some way to buy myself a car. I think the car will be my better bet, since I'll be able to drive myself on vacations with it, if I want. Then, maybe when I get my license I won't feel like such a loser anymore. I just don't want to be 35, with kids and a husband, wanting to take off and leave them because I never got to when I was young.

All of these thoughts are swimming through my head. I don't sleep at night anymore. I fall asleep around 4 AM. I worry about what I'm going to do with my degree, it's pretty much a worthless degree. I'll need to go to grad school, which will put me in even more debt. So, I worry about that. Like, how am I going to pay off all of these loans and still have kids? Will I be in the poor house at 30? UGHHHH!!!
urbrandofheroin urbrandofheroin
22-25, F
2 Responses Jul 28, 2010

I hope everything works out for you... You are not a loser... You're one of the most awesome people I know... You've always wanted to have everything in half the time ever since I met you... You're wonderful...

heh....when my older sis hit the big "25", I nearly made her cry from the teasing about her age....<br />
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....then I turned 25....and realized how mean I can suck, lol.