The Break!

So today is Wednesday. About a week ago I noticed my girlfriend acting a little different. A few days went by before I decided to ask her if she was okay with us. She, after a few moments of silence, responded no in a quiet voice.
I honestly never expected this day to come. I'm only 19, but she was the one. She was the love of my life. She was the first girl my family actually liked. She was the girl that I was serious around, yet joking. She's the first girl that I'm actually 100% myself around - as cheesy as that sounds. She wasn't supposed to break up with me.
Anyway, the next day we hung out and we talked about it for a few hours. This day was Friday. Throughout the weekend, we talked and talked and on Sunday, after three days of me thinking about what she offered, it was decided that we would take a break. I did not want to take a break. I wanted her and nothing but her. I didn't want to lose her! Anyway, on Monday, after a lot of crying, and thinking, and moping around, and being a loser, I texted her. She called me about a half hour later getting mad at me. Throughout the conversation, she got mad - then cried - then didn't want to get off the phone. She said she started watching a show the previous night that I'd been trying to get her to watch for a few weeks. Meaning she missed me. Meaning it reminds her of me, watching that show wasn't a mistake.
Anyway, that was the only interaction until the next day at around 6 or 7 in the evening. I messaged her on Skype and texted her a few times and it was a bit of a fight. We then decided to see each other the next day, which is today. Now today, I go pick her up, and we go back to her house. We talk. And talk. And she asks, "do you want to hug me?" I quickly respond, "Pft obviously not! Not from you. Not right now." And we sit there in silence. A few moments pass by before she jumps up and hugs me. A couple of seconds stroll through before she kisses me on my neck a few times. She stays there and then asks me if I'd like to cuddle. I say the exact same thing. Yet again, she kisses me neck, claiming she's just used to it. Silence. I say "okay let's go cuddle!" And we scurry on upstairs and jump in her bed. It was so wonderful smelling her again, and holding her again and touching her soft skin and run my fingers across her fingers and hands and arms and face, and just being close to her. We lay there for about ten or fifteen minutes before she says "you should go" and we get up and I leave. When we were talking at first, we decided we would not speak or see each other for one exact week. I agreed to it, otherwise we would be broken up. So for the next week, I have to cut her out of my life, but I know that's impossible to do. If we hadn't cuddled, I'd be dying right now. But because of the cuddle session, I'm the happiest guy on the planet. I'm hoping that the sessions will do me for a week. I know it won't though, I'm just hoping it will. The hardest part about all of this is accepting the fact that she loves me, but is not IN love with me. I ripped my heart out, and handed it to her, and she took it. And now she's slowly handing it back. I feel like she loves me like a brother or a best friend. But I don't want to be her brother or best friend, I want to be her boyfriend and that's it. I don't know what happened and how it happened, but this is now. This is reality and sometimes, reality freaking sucks. I'm trying my best not to cry, not to die in my bed. Not to fall out of love with her. I'd like to leave off on a good note so I'd like to say that I'm hoping - I'm praying that by next week, she has sorted out her feelings. And that she's in love with me. And that I don't have to go through this again. That she doesn't leave me again. That I don't cry again. I want to be happy with her. Right now, all I have is my phone, my friends, my family, my computer, my bed, my room, and I have to cut her out for a week. It's going to be hard, but I'm hoping it's going to be okay. Because honestly, I can't see it going good, but I can't see it going bad.

Okay, semi-good note.
Dubzz Dubzz
18-21, M
May 10, 2012