I Love the Man I Am Having An Affair With...

I have been married for 17 yrs and 6-8 years ago started feeling empty inside....and 4 years ago fell into a deep depression and became very ill which i strongly believe was from being unhappy and my husband not understanding why.  My brother in law and I started sharing our feelings with each ohter and he actually confessed hes been in love with me for 8 years, that's how long he's been with his wife...who is my husband's sister...I know how awful that sounds and even though I am a very compassionate person something is driving me into this man's arm more and more...We have both asked for a divorce but both of our current spouses are willing to forgive us and move forward....But I really am in love with this other man and he feels the same way.  I feel so emotionally connected to him and feel like he is my soulmate....He has asked me to marry him...My best friend hates me for hurting my husband because he is a good man...I am dying inside because I want to uproot my kids and move half way across the United States to be with him....

There is only one problem I can't come to end it with my husband because I am not 100 % sure I am not making a mistake...

 

I am going insane...

 

kamy kamy
41-45
10 Responses Mar 11, 2009

It looks like I am not the only one stuck in this situation. My extracurricular relationship is still progressing, we are both troubled after being together because we have to go back to the real world and our families. He decided that he wasn't being fair to me, himself or our families and told me that we couldn't go on - we needed to revert back to being strictly friends. I thought that I would just die on the spot but I have always respected him for being such a good man and he knew that I would follow along with this and not dispute it - having him for a friend is better than not having him. About a month after straightening up, he told me that I am his weakness, he needs me - wants me. I am happy, I truly crave this man - and I don't mean just sexually. He is like the air to me, I need him to survive. So back into the web we go, no closer to resolving anything than we were 14 years ago. We have decided to just live each day and see what it holds for us.

Its always complicated when the children are involved. Will they understand? Is it best for them with both parents? Happiness is confusing with a married man. I know- Im right in the middle of it. My children are older, but Im single, so it wouldnt be so difficult for them- his children are younger- and he feels responsible for them. so he stays in is loveless marriage so that he can provide for his girls emotionally & financially.

Kamy -- <br />
<br />
I have a question for you: <br />
<br />
How long have you been seeing this man? If it is less than one year, do NOT make any major decisions. You are high on hormones right now, and it won't always be that way. Never make a decision about a man if it's been less than one year.<br />
<br />
Once a year has passed, you will be able to see more clearly. Right now, when it's new, don't make any major moves.<br />
<br />
I have been seeing someone for about a year and a half now, and I am so thankful that I did not break up my marriage while I was in the "high" phase. I still love this other man very much, and we are closer than ever, but I can think more rationally right now. My decisions will be better for it, I am sure of that.<br />
<br />
Hope you find the right thing, CE09

We have children we have to think of - my son is 11 and his daughter is 16. His daughter is his whole world and my son is mine. His daughter would understand things but my son is younger and he is afraid my husband would fight for and end up with custody of my son. That is a risk I can't take, without my child I am nothing. We have talked about this, alot - he has to live where he does to keep the job he has and he cannot risk losing that job. He has to much invested, retirement, insurance, benefits galore and makes a large amount of money - he knows that it would be difficult to uproot my son and move away from my parents. I am an only child and at 36 years old I am still very much a "daddy's girl". My parents depend on me as well and would be devastated to have me move away. I could find another job with the experience and education that I have but there are so many sides to this that we know what we want just isn't logical. You know the old saying "o what a tangled web we weave.....", we are stuck in that web.

why can't you get out of your marriages? Do you truly want to? no matter what your reasons or circumstances, is it better for the two of you to say in marriages that are bad? If it's bad for you, how good can it be for your spouses? Granted, there is much to consider before ending any marriage, especially if there are children involved. Sometimes it's okay to be selfish and go for what you want. My parents divorced after 33 years of marriage and both were happier afterward. and my brothers and sisters not only got over it and forgave my father (who initiated it), but came to warmly embrace and love his new wife, the one he left our mother for. Just don't rush into anything. If you truly CAN'T get out of your marriages, then you have to decide if what you DO have is enough, and will be enough for a long time.

Except for this being with your brother in law, you could've been writing what I am going thru. I have been married for 14 years (although he provides for us, I am not "happily married") I have also been having an affair with a married man for 14 years - my whole marriage. I married because I was afraid no one else would want me and wouldn't have another opportunity. I met my true love 3 months after my wedding. He is 11 years older than me and had been married 7 years when we met - I loved him the first moment I laid eyes on him. For 2 years we were together whenever possible, he lives a couple of hours away but travels for work. After 2 years I got pregnant, by my husband I assume - and decided to 'grow up' and be a mother. I ended the sexual relationship, but we continued to be good friends. When my child was 2, I changed jobs after discussing it with him - we lost all contact until November of 2008 (8 Years) when I finally got the nerve to contact him by email. He called me almost as soon as the message left my outbox - I love this man and he me. He remembers so much about our relationship - he correctly told me what I was wearing the first time we met and the last time he saw me, he remembers all the little things about our time together and worries about my well being, he sees me for who I am and doesn't point out my faults, he compliments me and makes me feel valued, he holds me - none of these things happen in my marriage. We have talked daily for the last 5 months and managed to be together once, I grieved all the way home after leaving him. Now here I am 14 years into a marriage I can't get out of and he is 21 years into a marriage that he can't get out of. We are stuck and at a loss, where do I go from here?

yes i understand how you feel iam in love with a married man and i love him deerly, it is hard for us to get together, he is 2hrs away from me, we want to see each other but dont know how we can get that done if anyone has in sugestions please help!!!<br />
<br />
lisa

wow. what a tough situation. part of me says goes for the happiness with the other guy, but it does sound like you still have some feeling for your husband and he's probably not that bad a guy. then there are the children to consider, though they are remarkably resilient. My parents divorced after 33 years of marriage, my father married his secretary (but she wasn't much younger than him, and had 7 grown children). we deeply resented our father at first, but over time forgave him and now love his wife. it will be an extremly rough, tough road for a few years,. and as much as your BIL says he loves you and wants to marry you, etc. - you really have to make your decision based on what YOU feel and want to do, regardless of your BIL. It's tough to consider, but things could change for him and he could decide to stick with his marriage and make it work for some reason. What would you do then?

Leaving your husband because you are unhappy is one thing, leaving him for his sister's husband is a whole different story. Just imagine what your kids will go through.. "Hmm, mommy married uncle Bob... so now cousin Jane is our new sister!" In fact, imagine what your husband's family may say to them... they may lose alot of respect for you as they grow up. The whole dynamics of that relationship would be problematic.<br />
<br />
You sound like you care for your husband, even if you're not in love with him. It would be insanely cruel to dump him for his brother-in-law.

I agree with MissMaSoldier... you don't want to leave it for too long, you are aware of everyone elses feelings now I think what you need to ask yourself is...<br />
<br />
1. Am I in love with my husband? If I'm not sure am I willing to do whatever it takes to try and mend my marriage? If this is the case then stay and try and work it out.<br />
<br />
2. Am I staying with my husband out of fear of being alone and this other relationship working out? If this is the case it will not make either yourself or your husband happy in the end - do you really want to spend the rest of your life in an unhappy relationship? <br />
<br />
And as far as your brother-in-law is concerned, try to take things one step at a time, once you have decided how you are going to deal with your marriage, then you can focus on how you will deal with your relationship with him. <br />
<br />
Maybe you could go and see a counsellor, someone who is independant of the situation to get some advice, writing it all down is always really helpful too... and a lot of the time you can find your own answers in the words.<br />
<br />
As for your best friend, she is angry but if she is truly your best friend she will come around. Whenever something major happens in your life those closest to you will always have reactions of their own.<br />
<br />
Be honest to yourself, now that it's out in the open each of you involved deserves to be able to move forward in life in a healthy way. Wishing you the best of luck.