Its Crunch Time.. Will I Ever Trust Him Knowing He Has Deceived?

I married my husband 7 years ago, completely aware of his 10 year history with anti depressants and low sex drive and self esteem.  I thought I could fix him.....  7 years later, 1 child, a sexless marriage and being taken for granted, being the main breadwinner, not feeling attractive, 18 months of counselling.... i met an older married man on a train.

The relationship was text and email banter for  about 6 weeks but it was clear from week one that there was a spark, something there, common likes and dislikes, humour etc.  He was recovering from his wifes infidelity (he never confronted her, he said he was scared of losing her).  They had been married for 21 years at that point and he said it had been good, sex was good, they had fun (kids 19 and 15). He was sad, downtrodden, lost confidence etc.

I left my husband 2 months after first meeting on the train, feeling not that it was him necessarily I had left my husband for, but realising there was life after this marriage.  I am also younger and my son is 4 (so all in all it was easier for me to leave when he was little). 

I have continued to see the married man, fell head over heels in love and it seemed reciprocated.  Declarations of  he has "never felt a love like it",  is a better man with me etc. He said he wanted to wait until his daughter was on holiday  before telling his wife, which was this week.  IN the meantime we have found a house to buy and have offered etc.

He was away last week and paperwork from the mortgage company accidentially went to his house and his wife opened it (both our names on it). He got back today and has told her.  He is not strong on confrontation if it hurts someone (we have discussed this). He had to deal with it and has had eeh conversation today.

What worries me is reading that generally people who dont leave within the first 3 months of meeting someone are unlikely too, that 21 years of marriage is a lot to give up for someone he has known in a false sitaution for nine months.

I am not clouded by love, he is not perfect, but nor am I!! however all the important stuff is there, humour, laughter, love, sex, common interests, appreciation, respect.

I want to believe so much, i want to trust.  I dont think I have ever pushed him to leave her.  But he also knew I hated being the "mistress" and he knew i would have moved on.  But now i will never know if he would have gone through it himself.  if he couldnt do it before 9 months, does it mean its unlikely to happen.  I could not bear to have him but then have him leave to go back to her.

I havent introduced him to my son yet, becasue i am wary.  I sometimes feel if he could decieve his wife for so long, there is nothing to stop him decieving me.  Not malliciously but because he is sensitive and maybe a bit gutless (one of his faults but I still love him)

I get suspicious as he doesnt talk about how the conversation would happen, has not mentioned her affair to her, i dont know when he is leaving or even if he is.  We have talked about the future but not really what this bits looks like.  

I feel as if my life has been on hold for 5 months, I wait for him, I dont make plans in case i can see him, he is sometimes mysterious or out of contact.  Othertimes he is overwhelming with cards, flowers, declarations of love and lust and happiness.

Is there ever a happy ending in affairs? 

katz2010 katz2010
36-40, F
12 Responses Jul 25, 2010

Gosh, 4 years on nearly and I find myself back here. With hopefully a story that will bring light to others looking for answers. Today, I finally accepted it was over with the partner I have talked about above. I have been through a rollercoaster for nearly 4 years and it wasn't worth it. As I sit here and write, he is at home with his wife again preparing for a family Christmas. Both his children have left home now and although he says that he and his wife are "just Friends" and its a financially arrangement, no matter how much I want to believe that, the instincts I had back in 2010 I should have listened to. He has strung me along, each time I get strong and break off he would text me until I was back in again, but no commitment, no promises of anything. I read that a married man that doesn't leave in the first 6 months, wont. He did leave, for 2.5 years, but then he went back for their 25 wedding anniversary. It was been the most soul destroying and emotional 4 years for me and I've wasted time waiting and hoping. I know he will still contact me in a months or twos time and I need to be strong. Unfortunately whilst I believe our love was strong and true at times, he was a liar, I watched him do it to his wife, so why I'm surprised he lied to me I have no idea. Im going to be ok, I am independent and have a wonderful child and Im sure ill meet someone in time, but my message if for those of you of child bearing age that may be stuck waiting and not experiencing motherhood in a happy and normal relationship. because love with a MM is not normal I am afraid.

'Thank you for updating - it is always interesting to see/hear what happens to people. I do hope that it works out for you . The fact that he actually left his wife of 20 odd years for you is a MAJOR thing - not many men do. I think for the time being you should give him the benefit of the doubt and accept that he is faithful to you. If you look at the I live in a sexless marriage - group here on EP you will see that there are many, many people who have affairs to make up for what is lacking in their marriage - and if they could find a compatible partner they wouldn't stray. Take care and all the best.

Update is.... 4 months on, we are still together and plan to eventually be together living together when the time is right for both our sets of children. Its beena tough few months, we have broken up a few times as it gets hard. He is now renting a flat for six months and I have bought and moved into my house. Its tricky being with someone who also has children to see and lives an hour away. However there is something immensley special about what we have found tat makes it worth sticking in there. I regularly worry if he could be so convincing in decieving his wife he could do it again, but I guess so could i so we are equal in that! <br />
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Would I have an affair again? do I wish it hadnt happened becuse of all the hurt that was caused? I dont regeret leaving my husband, we are both much happier. I needed confidence to do that and the affair gave me that. I do look back on the affair and see how easy it is to believe what you want to believe (him not sleeping with her, she knew it was a bad marriage) I think generally men are quite cowardice (no offence meant) however I believe if you see things for what they really are and not romantise it all there is just as much chance of it working out as other relationships.<br />
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Good luck to all who are experiencing the horror and delight of an affair. If there is a happy ending I will let you know.

You need to leave an unfulfilling relationship for only one person - yourself. <br />
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You need to establish (or re-establish) a self-sufficiency (both physically and emotionally), and give yourself enough time to feel confident as an individual ("I can do just fine on my own, thank you very much"). That's very empowering.<br />
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Once achieved, then you can afford the risks that go along with seeking out a prospective partner for which to share your life.

Ahhh, thank you, maybe we are all romantic idiots!! ... The update is, we have spoken a lot and its helped, i swing from emotion to emotion and it must be worse for him that he is dealing with two irratic, demanding women! right now I am back in the belief camp! <br />
One of the things we keep saying, is that if we both dont learn from this and my break up and marroage, it will never work. If we keep talking and are completely honest we will get through it. I gave him many options to get out of it painlessley the last few days and he hasnt taken them. Eventually i was honest, said i doubted him, that maybe he had made out his marriage was worse than it was, that he had just been attracted to the new excitement and the affair but wouldnt have actually left.<br />
He said he had thought about ending it with me, that it would be a whole lot easier than telling his wife, children and family who all will be disgusted with him. But, he said he would have got to the point he wanted to leave in 12-18 months anyway and by then he would have lost me. His wife hasnt said she wants them to try (she is too hurt and angry), he doesnt want her to even suggest that as he doesnt want to have to hurt her more. He says i need to be patient, its only day 4 after she found out. <br />
I switch between believing everything he ever said, he was the first to say he loved me, he would get nervous everytime we met, he said he has never had a love like it and he questions that he has ever truly, truly been in love before, he was always the one who talked about the future, said he wants to marry again and marry me, he pushed for the house to be jointly bought. I was more reserved at the begining, cautious and bringing him down to earth all the time, suggested he was having a midlife crisis!<br />
Then I start doubting it all. I said to my Mum after about six week in, he is either the most deluded man or its all real and in that case he is the love of my life! <br />
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So, I will wait... again! and see. having been in a marriage where it effected my self esteem so massively, its difficult to believe that someone else might love me like he says he does! Only time will tell, he certainly knows me, has seen me at my absolute worse, and not much of me at my absolute best because of my marriage break up and having to share my son <br />
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I look forward to logging back on to this site and re reading this in the future and hopefully smiling at my doubts! I will keep you posted. Thank you for the lovely comments.

Dear Katz,<br />
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I'm either the worse romantic or an idiot, LOL.<br />
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I find it troublesome that you seem to have no faith in you and him. He's gone this far, he's texting with reassurances (that means you're on his mind while talking to her). You love him and he loves you. He cheated on his wife because she cheated on him. YOU are the reason he's starting over, and that is very difficult.<br />
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Let the chips fall where they may ... but not without trusting in the love you both share.

PS: sex was great though !!

Your not wrong! since posting this, i have pulled out of the house purchase with him and am buying alone! he has told her but not left. I want to believe and trust but I am also not naive. She has said she is leaving him now and he needs to deal with the fallout with the kids (shes a smart women! he gets to lose her and me in that situation).<br />
As hard and emotional as it is, I know I have to look after number one. I love him but he hasnt played nicely with his wife. I did the right thing, not for him but because i couldnt carry on in a loveless marriage. <br />
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On the other hand, the whole thing could berubbish, as the whole point of this post is ultimately in an affair you get the best of someone but you see the worst too, you see how clever someone is at covering their tracks, lying, not facing up to things. I am sure there are many cases of the tables turning, maybe i am being decieved now.<br />
Thats the thing, can you really ever trust someone when you know what they did to their partner of 20 years, it kind of feels doomed from the outset.<br />
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I would so like to be proven wrong as i truly love him..... we shall see

This just doesn't sound good. You two have gone and purchased a home while he's still married to someone else. You've also done this before introducing to him the child he will be living with. And now she has advance warning.<br />
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None of this sounds well planned. She will take him to the cleaners, and without question, she'll file for divorce. It is one thing to discover your partner in an affair (no, I'm not judging - I'm in one, too), but an entirely different thing to learn of the affair when you find the mortgage papers for the new home your spouse has just purchased with their lover.<br />
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This is a messy beginning to a new life together, and it seems like you have a lot of challenges ahead.

Well, his leaving his wife was always a real possibility... I don't know whether to wish you 2 luck or hope for the worst. The minimum here is that you found the strength to get out of a bad deal for you and have had some fine fun in the process... Rediscovering the excitment of being loved and found to be beautiful is the best part of any affair.

Thank you for the honesty, it is what I fear, hence the pensiveness! however i feel i have given him many chances to extract himself painlessly from "us". He has been the one to push the "living together and buying a house" not me. Plus financially I can do it alone and was planning to. He may well leave but then not be able to stay. He is tecting me all evening on and off whilst they are "talking it out" reassuring without me asking, confirming he is leaving, saying its hard but his longterm future happiness is ultimately more important.<br />
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I think if I truly believed it all, i wouldnt be sitting here writing this! bitter sweet day. The one thing I have to focus on is that even if it doesnt work out, he gave me confidence and strength to leave an unhappy marriage. Good luck with your situation.

I don't think there will be a happy ending. Don't forget, when the two of you met, you were both attached. The email and texting fling was based on the assumption that both of you were loving on the side. You left your husband and changed the balance, but he is happy loving you. My current girl friend freaked me out this morning when she told me she was going to leave her husband. We will try to hold what we have, but I know that when she is "free" she'll want more of me than I can offer. We are doomed.