Its Crunch Time.. Will I Ever Trust Him Knowing He Has Deceived?

'Thank you for updating - it is always interesting to see/hear what happens to people. I do hope that it works out for you . The fact that he actually left his wife of 20 odd years for you is a MAJOR thing - not many men do. I think for the time being you should give him the benefit of the doubt and accept that he is faithful to you. If you look at the I live in a sexless marriage - group here on EP you will see that there are many, many people who have affairs to make up for what is lacking in their marriage - and if they could find a compatible partner they wouldn't stray. Take care and all the best.

Update is.... 4 months on, we are still together and plan to eventually be together living together when the time is right for both our sets of children. Its beena tough few months, we have broken up a few times as it gets hard. He is now renting a flat for six months and I have bought and moved into my house. Its tricky being with someone who also has children to see and lives an hour away. However there is something immensley special about what we have found tat makes it worth sticking in there. I regularly worry if he could be so convincing in decieving his wife he could do it again, but I guess so could i so we are equal in that!



Would I have an affair again? do I wish it hadnt happened becuse of all the hurt that was caused? I dont regeret leaving my husband, we are both much happier. I needed confidence to do that and the affair gave me that. I do look back on the affair and see how easy it is to believe what you want to believe (him not sleeping with her, she knew it was a bad marriage) I think generally men are quite cowardice (no offence meant) however I believe if you see things for what they really are and not romantise it all there is just as much chance of it working out as other relationships.



Good luck to all who are experiencing the horror and delight of an affair. If there is a happy ending I will let you know.

You need to leave an unfulfilling relationship for only one person - yourself.



You need to establish (or re-establish) a self-sufficiency (both physically and emotionally), and give yourself enough time to feel confident as an individual ("I can do just fine on my own, thank you very much"). That's very empowering.



Once achieved, then you can afford the risks that go along with seeking out a prospective partner for which to share your life.

Ahhh, thank you, maybe we are all romantic idiots!! ... The update is, we have spoken a lot and its helped, i swing from emotion to emotion and it must be worse for him that he is dealing with two irratic, demanding women! right now I am back in the belief camp!

One of the things we keep saying, is that if we both dont learn from this and my break up and marroage, it will never work. If we keep talking and are completely honest we will get through it. I gave him many options to get out of it painlessley the last few days and he hasnt taken them. Eventually i was honest, said i doubted him, that maybe he had made out his marriage was worse than it was, that he had just been attracted to the new excitement and the affair but wouldnt have actually left.

He said he had thought about ending it with me, that it would be a whole lot easier than telling his wife, children and family who all will be disgusted with him. But, he said he would have got to the point he wanted to leave in 12-18 months anyway and by then he would have lost me. His wife hasnt said she wants them to try (she is too hurt and angry), he doesnt want her to even suggest that as he doesnt want to have to hurt her more. He says i need to be patient, its only day 4 after she found out.

I switch between believing everything he ever said, he was the first to say he loved me, he would get nervous everytime we met, he said he has never had a love like it and he questions that he has ever truly, truly been in love before, he was always the one who talked about the future, said he wants to marry again and marry me, he pushed for the house to be jointly bought. I was more reserved at the begining, cautious and bringing him down to earth all the time, suggested he was having a midlife crisis!

Then I start doubting it all. I said to my Mum after about six week in, he is either the most deluded man or its all real and in that case he is the love of my life!



So, I will wait... again! and see. having been in a marriage where it effected my self esteem so massively, its difficult to believe that someone else might love me like he says he does! Only time will tell, he certainly knows me, has seen me at my absolute worse, and not much of me at my absolute best because of my marriage break up and having to share my son



I look forward to logging back on to this site and re reading this in the future and hopefully smiling at my doubts! I will keep you posted. Thank you for the lovely comments.

Dear Katz,



I'm either the worse romantic or an idiot, LOL.



I find it troublesome that you seem to have no faith in you and him. He's gone this far, he's texting with reassurances (that means you're on his mind while talking to her). You love him and he loves you. He cheated on his wife because she cheated on him. YOU are the reason he's starting over, and that is very difficult.



Let the chips fall where they may ... but not without trusting in the love you both share.

PS: sex was great though !!

Your not wrong! since posting this, i have pulled out of the house purchase with him and am buying alone! he has told her but not left. I want to believe and trust but I am also not naive. She has said she is leaving him now and he needs to deal with the fallout with the kids (shes a smart women! he gets to lose her and me in that situation).

As hard and emotional as it is, I know I have to look after number one. I love him but he hasnt played nicely with his wife. I did the right thing, not for him but because i couldnt carry on in a loveless marriage.



On the other hand, the whole thing could berubbish, as the whole point of this post is ultimately in an affair you get the best of someone but you see the worst too, you see how clever someone is at covering their tracks, lying, not facing up to things. I am sure there are many cases of the tables turning, maybe i am being decieved now.

Thats the thing, can you really ever trust someone when you know what they did to their partner of 20 years, it kind of feels doomed from the outset.



I would so like to be proven wrong as i truly love him..... we shall see

This just doesn't sound good. You two have gone and purchased a home while he's still married to someone else. You've also done this before introducing to him the child he will be living with. And now she has advance warning.



None of this sounds well planned. She will take him to the cleaners, and without question, she'll file for divorce. It is one thing to discover your partner in an affair (no, I'm not judging - I'm in one, too), but an entirely different thing to learn of the affair when you find the mortgage papers for the new home your spouse has just purchased with their lover.



This is a messy beginning to a new life together, and it seems like you have a lot of challenges ahead.

Well, his leaving his wife was always a real possibility... I don't know whether to wish you 2 luck or hope for the worst. The minimum here is that you found the strength to get out of a bad deal for you and have had some fine fun in the process... Rediscovering the excitment of being loved and found to be beautiful is the best part of any affair.

Thank you for the honesty, it is what I fear, hence the pensiveness! however i feel i have given him many chances to extract himself painlessly from "us". He has been the one to push the "living together and buying a house" not me. Plus financially I can do it alone and was planning to. He may well leave but then not be able to stay. He is tecting me all evening on and off whilst they are "talking it out" reassuring without me asking, confirming he is leaving, saying its hard but his longterm future happiness is ultimately more important.



I think if I truly believed it all, i wouldnt be sitting here writing this! bitter sweet day. The one thing I have to focus on is that even if it doesnt work out, he gave me confidence and strength to leave an unhappy marriage. Good luck with your situation.

I don't think there will be a happy ending. Don't forget, when the two of you met, you were both attached. The email and texting fling was based on the assumption that both of you were loving on the side. You left your husband and changed the balance, but he is happy loving you. My current girl friend freaked me out this morning when she told me she was going to leave her husband. We will try to hold what we have, but I know that when she is "free" she'll want more of me than I can offer. We are doomed.