An Inevitable Ending...

 I am 31 and have been having an affair with a friend since the New Year. We have been emotionally involved since late October/Early November but neither of us did a thing about it until just after Christmas.

I have been married for the last 2 and a half years and been with my husband for almost 8 years altogether. We have two boys.
My lover is also married, for 11 years and has a daughter and a step-son.

Things started going wrong between my husband and I shortly after the birth of our second baby, last April. He hadn't touched me since Christmas and I took it that he just wasn't turned on by my huge bump. However, three months after the birth, he still wasn't interested. I gave it til September and confronted him. He couldn't give me a reason why we weren't sleeping together other than he was "tired". I thought as I had brought it all to a head, he would do something about it - no. I was so very jealous of the affection he gave our kids but had none spare for me. I used to cry myself to sleep a lot.
It was around this time that I started looking at my lover in a different light from being just friends. I could feel a chemistry between us but did nothing about it. He would compliment me in front of my husband, my husband used to walk off!

A few weeks later, I text my friend something silly. He replied. Soon we were texting daily... soon I thought I should probably start to delete them... We started flirting in the pub. Our friends joked it was like two silly kids in the classroom - a poke here, a pinch there... still no actual physical involvement. We both called it casual sillyness. One night he said to me "I fancy you." I said "I'm attracted to you too but I got married for a reason." We said we could never do anything about our feelings but were having fun, so why stop now?

His wife started to wonder who I was as we had never met. She sent me a message on Facebook asking me outright: Are you having a sordid affair with my husband?
I was HORRIFIED! I said No, Of course not! I was telling the truth then...

At the end of November we tried to call time on what was developing. He said he was getting grief at home but certain songs had started reminding him of me. I felt so flattered and appreciated. Ten minutes after saying "lets cool down" he text me "I can't stop." I wanted him to say these things to me. There was one song I suggested to him "I've Got You Under My Skin" by Frank Sinatra  - that was the start of everything.

At our Christmas party we didn't kiss but he held my hand in the back of the car later. A week later I leant in for a kiss on the lips when he dropped me home. The week after that we made out in his car. That kiss held so much emotion. I felt so bad but it was inevitable.

Christmas was AWFUL. I missed him so much. My husband forgot me. I'd bought him presents and there wasn't a thing for me. He bought me a card from Tesco on Boxing Day. I just wanted the holidays to be over.

My lover and I slept together in January. It was a bit fumbly as we were both full of nerves and guilt. He went away skiing and his wife called me at home. She kept me on the phone for an hour. I kept denying everything but she said she had so many suspicions about me. I cried buckets when we hung up. She told her husband the next day what she had done. He rang me on the Monday saying he was sorry I had to put up with that.

In February was my anniversary. It fell on a day I would normally see my lover. My husband cooked me a meal, we went to bed and he fell asleep. I felt worthless. A little part of me said if this works out tonight, I'll stop all this with my lover. It didn't. I missed my lover like hell, imagining I could have been in his arms that night.

My husband left for a few days in April. I should have fought harder to call it a day between us then, but he wore me down asking to come back. He slept on the sofa for a few weeks and then came back to bed. Still no sex.

Very shortly after all this, my lover told me he had fallen deeply in love with me. We say wonderful things to each other, we laugh and joke and the bond between us just grows and grows. I could put up wth my husband ignoring me and putting his life before ours because I had something wonderful happening to me.

When will this all stop? I don't know. We both have kids, we have families and obligations. As it is, 8 months have gone by.
 I guess time will tell
LittleMissL LittleMissL
5 Responses Aug 6, 2010

Do not remain in a loveless marriage for your children. Believe me they will be happier with a happy mom. Remaining together is the path of least resistance. Getting a divorce is what you need in my opinion. On the fence about everything? Get yourself a lawyer and you'll be amazed at how quickly things fall into place for you.

Hello everyone - I've been absent for a few weeks as I've had a lot to deal with at home and can't seem to get a minute to myself to write a reply.<br />
Thank you for your comments and for not judging me too harshly. I have told my husband I no longer love him as a wife should but we have decided to keep living together both for financial reasons and also to keep our family unit together for the kids. I sleep on the sofa but we're not arguing and I'm happy with that so far.<br />
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My lover is still with his wife. I know leaving his kids is no-go for him and while he still maintains he loves me passionately , I doubt he will ever crawl out on a limb for me. Here I know I'm stronger than him because I finally found the strength to admit my true feelings - even if I am stuck cohabiting righty now.<br />
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I never entered this with my eyes shut and sometimes reality gives me a great kick in the ***...

I waited years - 6 to be precise, before I took matters into my own hands. But is it the right thing for the long term................who knows, feels good at the moment.

I agree with Sarahmarried. I think affairs can be a wonderful escape. And that's something i NEVER thought I would believe. My lover and I are both committed to our marriages and know we won't leave them to be with each other and it works wonderfully for us. I realize that's not how it is for many people. Don't judge your relationship with others - build one that is right for you. if it means staying married, then do so. If it means breaking up with your spouse, do so. Do what makes you happy. However, you do have the added complication of his wife suspecting and confronting you about it. That's a tough one to deal with.

So similar to my own story in a way, I can only tell you that leaving my husband was the right thing to do for me. Whether the relationship with my lover works out only time will tell. I guess my advice would be, try everything you can with your husband before you make any decisions. Counselling etc. You have children together. Then if that doesnt work out at least you can walk away feeling you did the right thing.<br />
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Good luck.