Sex, Lies and Fulfillment

Thank you for posting exactly what is happening in my life. A loves marriage. Along comes the man who I loved so much in my twenties. The affair that we have now has brought such meaning back. I wish you all the best. Every happiness.

Well I hope before leaving your H, you have come clean about your affair so that he isn't in dark forever about such an important fact about his life . Even if you dont love him , he at least deserves honesty from you . Shouldn't he know how wrong he was about you & his marriage ?

If you are old enough that you aren't going to come home pregnant, it doesn't really matter. Having extra sex should make you more desirable for your husband too. I'm surprised you aren't getting more at home. And who is he banging? Carpe Diem!

I think that it is time that all of the prudes got off of their high horse and faced reality. Monogamy just does not work for more than 50% of society. Just look at the divorce rate and I rest my case. We as a society approve of serial monogamy if there is a divorce in the middle, so what is so wrong with having more than one partner at the same time and loving both? We just need to grow up.

All I have to say is that I can relate. I am glad I'm not the only one.

I'm in a very similar situation. Due to various stressors, our marriage began to unravel years ago, sex became non existant almost 5 years ago. He refuses to discuss the issue, won't see a doctor, and shuts down every time I try to gently discuss the subject. I embarked on an affair about six months ago with a married man. The affair has brought passion and confidence back into my life (and his as well). We both agree that we don't want to hurt our spouses or families, but at the same time a healthy sex life is vital to us both. We are not taking anything away from our spouses or families, simply addressing needs we have that for whatever reason, our spouses no longer want to address. So, I completely agree with you!

hi

you have your life now.. dont ruin it...



just enjoy the way you wanna have it... you got a young son his life will be upset...



keep the secret... have a gala time of your life



have a wonderful weekend..

well i recently started a relationship with a married couple that is younger than me. My husband has been emotionally a physically distant for years, its like living alone or with a roomate. we have an 8 year old together so its really hard thinking about what divorce will do for him. I am really enjoying my time with this couple we have even discussed living together one day.I feel like i am living in two different worlds how does one cope with that the two different lives thing.Im finding it hard I feel it should be one or the other . But some of you find your affairs as an escape from a bad reality i feel stuck between reality its wierd.

It sounds like the husband has either no feelings for the woman, or he is just a dunce! Open relationships can be dicey. I would be careful, but that doesn't mean you should stop. I'm glad you're making her happy, you sound great.

I recently started dating a married woman. She says she craves attention and to be treated like she is special. She wants to be touched,caressed and desired, which she is not getting at home. They recently made an agreement to have an open relationship. She has told him she is seeing me and he is fine with this situation. At least so far. I know she is really into me more as time goes on, as she constantly texts me from work and calls frequently. Ive tried giving her what she desires. I open doors for her, make nice comments about her hair and what she's wearing,tell her how pretty and sexy she is and give her plenty hugging,touching and kissing. It drives her wild and she loves all of it. She tells me her husband doesnt do any of these things and is frustrated about that. It's good and I like it. I like the way she really responds to the way I treat her. My concern is if her husband gets jealous or angry at some point. It makes me a little nervous.

Hello Daisy G,



If things were that simple, there wouldn't be all these posts! If you read them, I think you will see that there is a lot of pain and confusion about these situations. Divorce is not a simple thing. Many people have young children, there are financial issues, they may lose their health care, etc., etc.



The thing that continues to strike me when I read the stories here is how painful it is not to be touched or physically loved in your marriage for years on end. It is like a starvation. Yet there is a strong sense of loyalty to stick it out. So, yes, many of the people here are in fact un-selfish, as you would like them to be.



But then... bam... someone comes into your life and actually touches you or kisses you and it is like giving you water after dying of thirst.



Rest assured, most of these marriages will end in divorce at some point (mine did), so oftentimes the affair is the trigger to help the person have the strength and confidence to leave the marriage.



But no, you don't just wake up one day and this happens. It is a long slow process. And in the case of most of the people here, it is their un-selfishness that contributes to them living without their needs being met and just "dealing with it" until that certain someone comes along and shakes things up.



Hope that helps you understand, please try not to be judgmental.



CE09

Just a thought..isnt it selfish to want to have all of your needs met to be happy , is having an affair just making more people unhappy in the end . If you choose to stay in your marraige then shouldnt you accept it as it is or move on?

I have been married for 14 years - 8 of which have been completly sexless. Wasn't much before that. Well, like many of the posts here an old love came back into my life about 6 months ago and I told myself I was NOT going to get involved. I was married after all.



Well, about 2 months into it I guess I finally gave into the fact that a man actually wanted to touch me. My husband hasn't wanted to touch me, not even a hug, in over 8 years. I am friends with my husband like many of the people who have posted before, and we are raising 2 children - both still young. Youngest is 7 1/2 - you guys do the math. It is some of the best sex I have ever had. A lot better than anything my husband and I shared.



I don't want to leave the marriage for the sake of the children, but everyone that knows about the affair has told me to leave him - I deserve to be happy. I guess I just haven't found that same courage within myself that everyone else seems so quick to offer up.

If people want to cheat...be honest with the other person and leave. Or have a honest conversation with them that your needs aren't being met.



Leaving though, will at least allow the ex to seek happiness elsewhere. And if you have a child...do you honestly not think you are hurting that child. My mother had an affair and 18 years later, I still ask how she could have done that to our family.

I think that in the end you are living a lie that someone will pay for it maybe not you but your husband maybe your kid's but there will be heart break in the end .And i do know how you feel and i am not putting you down because i know how hard this is on a marriage .I cheated my wife cheated but in the end it is the lie's that tore us apart .She ask i told her but i done new she was but instead of just saying so she lied about it .And when you live a lie in the end it is all you will have a lie to live with .Dont get me wrong i am not telling you to tell him you know weather he could take it are not .But we all know how it fill's when you break that trust you both have .He may have someone on he side his self .

JoesHeart,



I am glad you checked into this site, and though it's opened your eyes, it has also hurt you. Can you please go to therapy to try to work out your feelings? There are many reasons people have affairs, and I think you can clearly see that here. It is possible that your wife cannot keep long term committments. It is possible that you are not giving her emotionally and/or sexually what she needs. It is possible that she loves you and does not want to hurt you. It is possible that she's a terrible person. It is possible that your marriage might work out if the two of you work on it.



Many people have affairs (like I did) because it is very painful to feel rejected or neglected by the spouse, and the affair heals those hurt feelings. But ultimately, the marriage of course will suffer. Ending my marriage was one of the hardest things I ever did, I was so afraid to hurt my husband. But I was very hurt too.



It's complicated. I don't believe in "just sex", I think it's all much more complicated than that. That's why you (and lots of people) need therapy, so you can figure out what is really going on with someone who can help you through it.



Best of luck, CE09

It's awful when you do get caught, and that's what happens most of the time. If you are in a good marriage, you have to figure out why you are doing this. Having fun is not a valid reason in my opinion. There is too much at risk. If you are in a bad marriage, your affair is probably a stepping stone to getting out of it. The point is that you have to understand yourself and your motivations. After a while, it's more stressful than fun, and can be very confusing. I ended my marriage before I got caught. I would have hurt a lot of people and I'm so glad it didn't come to that.

well, its kind'a exciting when you are not caught;-)

Reading all of your comments i think i will have an affair. I've only ben married for six years. we barely have sex. I'm goodlooking, in good shape, and above average below the waist, which i feel is the worst part of it. If i was small maybe i wouldn't want it that often anyways. My wife and i have had many talks about it. it works for about two weeks then back to the way they were. As a man you can't help but think that the woman is doing this as punishment for something or just out of being power hungrey. Everytime i think this way i get pissed off and thing screw it, i'm going to have an affair.



I do agree that when you get married you make so many commitments to eachother sex is one of them and this should be the easiest one to do. Your supposed to love eachother so the natural thing to do is to make love. When my wife and i aren't having sex these are the things that are going thru my mind as i'm sure every one probably thinks... their cheating on me, which makes you want to cheat. they don't love me, which makes you want to cheat, their using it as a weapon which makes you want to cheat and hate them. I know if my wife would find out that i was on this site she would cry and say something like why didn't you talk to me about your feelings. I would say I have talked to you about my feelings a million times you always go back to the way you were and..... ok i'm done bitchen i'm starting to get pissed.

Hi Reunited,



I so very much understand how you feel, we women need to be given attention and treated like goddesses, and when we find a man who does that for us, we're hooked. This is what some husbands don't understand and why they get themselves into trouble.



However, in your situation, my advice is: DON'T DO IT. Your situation and his are too complicated and you will hurt too many people if anyone finds out. You will both have to lie CONSTANTLY to all of these people (spouses and children) every time you see each other. Lying to my husband was one thing, but constantly lying to my son became unbearable. And if they ever find out, you will be responsible for all those hurt feelings, and they will last a lifetime.



In my situation, my lover was divorced and has a grown child in college. I have one son. And I ended my marriage finally, before anyone found out about my affair. Your risks are so much greater with more people involved.



If you still have great sex with your husband, then there IS still hope. There are ways to get passion back into a marriage IF both people want to (you can't be the only one). Is your husband willing to try?



Two things you should do immediately: Read the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. It will help you decide if your marriage is salvageable. And go talk to a therapist by yourself.



In the meantime, I personally see nothing wrong with the flirtation, but don't take the next step unless you completely understand what you would be getting yourself into.



Stay in touch,



CE09

I can't believe I found this group. I can totally relate with what other women here are saying. I've been married 19 years, 2 kids and my husband and I have always been good friends. But, I'm not in love with him. We don't fight...in fact, we basically live in the house and raise kids. On occasion we have great sex. But we also go months with no sex. Three months ago the love of my life contacted me. We hadn't talked in 20 years. He's married with kids. He had thought of me over and over during the 20 years..and I him. We haven't met in person..we only email and talk on the phone. We are rediscovering each other at this point and feel such a passion and closeness. Sometimes my feelings for him are overwhelming and so distracting I can hardly work, etc. It's gotten better and we are both dealing with it a little easier. We work hard to be discreet and keep it secret. We share nearly everything with each other. He gives me attention, makes me feel desired. He's romantic and it's unbelievable how that old flame just fanned up into a raging inferno. Now there is a new issue...his wife has been diagnosed with breast cancer. How do we deal with this? We are trying to figure it out. What can I expect to come of this relationship? Will he ever want to meet? How can I best help him thru his wife's illness?

CPA Guy, That is a really tough questions. It looks like the others have made their decisions and some of their partners/spouses agree or somewhat look past it. You have to decide though whether it is worth your marriage since it doesn't sound like your wife would stand for it. I know that "pleasing" yourself doesn't bring the pleasure and intimacy that sex can, even if with another parrtner.

I can't tell you exactly how much I relate. It is so hard to feel "good" about it even though you do. To be desired, wanted and pursued is an awesome drug. It literally makes you feel high. I would love to tell you it won't make you happy but the way you're living now is guaranteed to make you miserable. I was in the same situation after nearly 30 years and had a great friend & lover and thought I should "do the right thing" and end it to pursue a relationship with my "no-sex or intimacy" husband. What a bad decision I made!!! I want to have some closeness, some togetherness, I want sex. I'm 48 and I want sex damn it. If that is wrong, so be it. I really don't care anymore.

Hi Lilly,



My husband and I split up in July and it was the best thing I could do. Everyone is fine. I still see my lover, but he is not moving in with me, and we are doing great. We still have the best sex either of us has ever had.



You seem to have guilt and shame over your sexual needs. Your sexual needs are normal. Some people have a high sex drive and need it more than others. There is nothing wrong with that, it's healthy. And you should not be satisfied with less than what you need. I get tired of hearing "sex isn't everything." Well, it can be to some people who are highly sexed and emotionally sensitive (like me and probably you).



Here is my advice to you, based upon my experience.



You should find a good therapist and figure out why you keep this pattern in your life. There is a reason, you just haven't figured it out yet. Once you do, you will know the answer and you will know what to do.



You should understand that it is perfectly OK to have a man in your life without living with him or being married to him. Your kids might appreciate that too.



Once you figure out why you keep up these patterns and how to break them, you could really free yourself and live a life without these deceptions and the constant possibility of making other people miserable simply because you haven't taken the time to understand yourself better.



In the meantime, be extremely careful. The longer you do this, the more likely it is that you will get caught. I avoided that happening, but I knew it was a matter of time.



Don't speak of death... you will have a fuller, richer life for taking my advice, I feel that very strongly.



Write again any time.



Best to you,



CE09

I am glad to have found this site. I married when I was 20 very very young and after about 12 years of marriage I was caught by my husband having the affair. He would have done anything to keep us together but after they years we had grown apart I was a very different person to what I was when I was 20. I eventually took kids and moved into my own house. Kids kept in touch with their dad and from their side it was okay!!

The affair ended and after a time my husband met someone else and I became very jealous, he ended up coming back to live with us for a year which was awful on my kids I know but, it happened and then he moved out again and for the first time I was okay on my own..no boyfriends etc it was okay and I was on my own for about 2 years. ( husband went back to girlfriend and still with her)



My kids have done really well at school and the relationship I have with them is fabulous we talk openly about everything and its great.



After the 2 years I met this guy he was lovley and we became close and I eventually allowed him to meet Kids (after about a year) he has kids also and I met them.



Things were good kids liked him and after 4 years we moved in together...we have now been together nearly 8 years and I am bored he has lst the tactileness even when I talk about it he just says it just how I am. He was always quiet but recently I have felt I wish I was back living on my own again....in walks a new man in my life. At first I was determined that there would be no relationship and that I would keep friends only but that has gone by the way and we are in a sexual relationship which I am enjoying but the guilt is horrendous...I beat myself up about doing this again having another affair and hurting people!! But I cannot help it. He is married also to someone who is sick ( I know how bad that is...and I do give myself a hard time over it) I ended the affair however, we both missed each other a lot and needles to say its back on again and I feel that I love him. I have told him that I could not leave my current partner and he supports this and the reasons I give him....I feel a total **** and hate myself for what I am doing but still I keep doing it.



My current partner is a real nice guy but no matter how much we talk about it he does not make me feel womanly or feminine because he is just not romantic ( yes I have told him all of this) sex is a non event its over in minutes and its awful. whereas wit my lover its soft warm and lasts for hours...sex is not everything I know that but the way he makes me feel is just lovely.



I know that if we left our partners it would not be the same as when we get to meet in secret. I feel very confused and upset at the moment some days feel as if I would be better off dead then wouldnt cause so much people so much unhappiness......what do you guys think.



xx

I am 18 and he is 20 years older then me







i met him at my best m8z 18th bday party, he is his uncle..he was sooo sexy i couldn't bring myself to resist.







we flirted soo mch that night, i was quite drunk tho but i remember it, i kept bumping into him and having small chat..







He asked for my number..and i gave it to him!







alot of his family members were there but none of my friends did , they were all drunk!







he is sooo sexy and im jelous of his wife for definate..but then he contacted me..







we talked about the strong sexual attraction between us, the constant eye contact, the lil chats..







now we text everyday without fail and we will talk on the phone at least once..we done everything but sex. he is my first for everything and i want to go all the way.







i know its wrong in everyway possible and we tlk bout it all the time..but thing is i dnt want it to stop and neither does he. he never hs told me or forced me to do anything.







We are so open with eachother, like i get pissed off when he dont call me or text..i think im addicted to him..







the sexual loving and attraction is like a fire ablaze..







the way he touches me,licks me,tastes me,kisses me..sheer sexual extacsy..







im not in love with him, and even if i was it not like theres anything else that can happen cos im best m8s with his nephew and he has family and hes nearly 20years older than me!!!!!!!!







i love the fact that we are building memories with one another,and when were together there is noone in the world that knows..







after ever call and text we delete all dialled numbers and everything..he is saved as a girl on my phone..we need to protect this..







as mch as it is wrong i can keep away..hes so sexy..the sexual side of it is amazing but he even talks to me bout everything else too..you name is we have spoken to about it and i feel so comfortable with him..







hes my first kiss and everything !

I am 18 and he is 20 years older then me







i met him at my best m8z 18th bday party, he is his uncle..he was sooo sexy i couldn't bring myself to resist.







we flirted soo mch that night, i was quite drunk tho but i remember it, i kept bumping into him and having small chat..







He asked for my number..and i gave it to him!







alot of his family members were there but none of my friends did , they were all drunk!







he is sooo sexy and im jelous of his wife for definate..but then he contacted me..







we talked about the strong sexual attraction between us, the constant eye contact, the lil chats..







now we text everyday without fail and we will talk on the phone at least once..we done everything but sex. he is my first for everything and i want to go all the way.







i know its wrong in everyway possible and we tlk bout it all the time..but thing is i dnt want it to stop and neither does he. he never hs told me or forced me to do anything.







We are so open with eachother, like i get pissed off when he dont call me or text..i think im addicted to him..







the sexual loving and attraction is like a fire ablaze..







the way he touches me,licks me,tastes me,kisses me..sheer sexual extacsy..







im not in love with him, and even if i was it not like theres anything else that can happen cos im best m8s with his nephew and he has family and hes nearly 20years older than me!!!!!!!!







i love the fact that we are building memories with one another,and when were together there is noone in the world that knows..







after ever call and text we delete all dialled numbers and everything..he is saved as a girl on my phone..we need to protect this..







as mch as it is wrong i can keep away..hes so sexy..the sexual side of it is amazing but he even talks to me bout everything else too..you name is we have spoken to about it and i feel so comfortable with him..







hes my first kiss and everything !

it is so refreshing to read these. This is my situation too - married 25 years, by all accounts it's a "good" marriage in that we are compatible, have sex, have kids. I have no desire to divorce him or live apart, I do love my husband and I know he loves me. However, for the past 6 months I've been involved with a married guy. he too is married, a lot longer than me, and has no desire or thought to leave his wife. We have an incredible amount of fun together and the sex is like nothing I've experienced before! I deal with guilt from time to time because I don't have a credible "reason" for an affair, other than life with my husband has been predictable and boring for some time now. I love this forum for the opportunity to be in touch with people having the same experiences and aren't judgmental about the choices other people have made in their lives.

CPAguy,



First of all, my sympathies to your wife, that is not at all easy.



Here is my advice, take it or leave it.



If everything was OK until she had her medical problems, and you feel assured that the cancer and meds are the real problem, then I think you should talk and go to counseling before you do anything.



Is she able to talk about it? Does she tell you she misses having sex with you? Is she still affectionate and attentive with you? Is she intimate in other ways with you?



Or....



Does she stonewall you? Is she generally inattentive to you? Does she get uptight when you try to talk to her about it? Are you the only one making the effort here?



Deciding to have an affair, for me, was a humongous decision. Don't take it lightly.



If the two of you can work on this together, I think it can bring you closer. So work on that first before you do anything else.



Best, CE09

Wow, you don't realize how many people are in this kind of situation--Cateyes-it's amazing how much we have in common.