Girl #7

I'm girl #7. He's been searching for someone online in a site for married people looking for affairs. But he wasn't sure what he was looking for. Troubled marriage with kids, and all that. He met 6 girls but never took it anywhere. Just coffee or drinks, then he declines and they part ways. He said that 5 out of 6 wanted to pursue an affair with him. One even wanted to sleep with him the same night they met. But so far he has declined, and I believe him.

Then came girl #7. That's me. Unlike the 6 he's met, I am single. What in hell is a single woman doing on a married site? I can't speak for others but here's my story. I was married when I joined the site, at that time my husband was dying of pancreatic cancer. It's a swift and painful disease. I needed to escape from my everyday life of doctors, nurses, medication, the smell of helplessness around me. My husband passed away and finally got the peace he needed. A few months later, I started dating a guy from my job. I didn't know what I was doing, just reaching out to whoever I guess. This guy is single, and we dated for about 6 months. But then I ended it because I felt like I was drowning. I wasn't ready. Because we worked closely worked together, the situation quickly became awkward. People knew my late husband, and now they know I was seeing this guy from work. So I left. Sold my house, quit my job and moved thousands of miles away to a city where I didn't know anyone. It was perfect.

I had forgotten all about the married site until a few months ago. On Feb 14, I received an email from the site saying that I have a message. It's been over a year since I received a message from anyone from this site. So I went to read it and it was from him - the man who didn't know what he was looking for, who has met 6 women and still searching. I replied to his message and soon we were chatting online. It took another month before I agreed to meet him. And he took my breath away.

He is 10 years my senior, successfully self-employed so he has the flexible time to carry on an affair. At first I didn't really care. I was just being my selfish self, and still am. Not proud of what I'm doing, but at this point, Im sorry to say that I don't care. This time, I didn't feel like I was drowning. If I wanted to see him, I just call. If I don't, then I can ignore his text messages and emails, and know that he'll be there when I call. I am surprise that he takes all this like it's ok. It wasn't ok with the guy I was dating from the office many months ago. Maybe because the other one wanted a relationship and this does not.

I am under no illusions on what this is. I take what I can get, when I feel the need for it. My conscience sometimes bother me, but a glass of wine usually drives the angels away, and leave me be with my demons. I found a job I enjoy. I could do much more but with this job, I just have a good time. Not many people can say that. Just like with him, I could do much more but with him, I just have a good time.

So why am I writing if everything is honky dory. My new friends have invited me camping and I've been gone for 4 days with no mobile signal in the middle of the woods. I came back today and saw two texts from him and an email. By now, we've been seeing each other for almost 2 months. The texts on the mobile I ignored, I am tired and hungry, I will call him later. after I ate I read his email. He said he is concerned, he cares about me and hopes that I am ok. If I am ok, and have decided to end the affair, he asks that I reconsider and that he feels deeply for me. Just tell him what I need, and it will be done.

My feelings of drowning is back.

manhattanchic manhattanchic
36-40, F
May 6, 2012