What Is This Hold It Has On Me?

i met a man online game we started talking playing the game and flirting happened, interenet sex happened, yes there is such a thing haha finally emails text messages and phone calls. Met each other had wonderful kissing and meeting. both married he got a divorce i have not. I am 55 hes 47 i have been married 38 years. got married at 17 to tell you the truth dont think i was ever in love with my husband. I love him yesi think more like a brother. I want a divorce but its very complicated and i know i will hurt him terribly, the kids family everyone. I know it will take time, but i am wanting this other man so much, I'm pretty sure i have fallen in love with him and he has fallen in love with me. we cant get enough of each other,can't stop thinking of each other texting or calling. It has consumed me. We do live in different states. Hard part is the betrayal to my husband who does love me, we do have sex, terrible sex but we do have it. Its hard to have sex with both but the problem is i have to with the hubby want to with the lover. until the day comes i can let go of the hubby this is what i have to do. very difficult. after near 40 years how do you let it go? how do you hurt someone like that? the mental agony is the worst torment ever, but I am in love with my lover. I need to give it time.Is it possible its just a fantasy or imagination or the sex drive that keeps me in it? I dont know i know i want the lover very much the way he makes me feel is so incredible i have never felt like this before. i always wondered if i was in love with my husband i always wondered what love felt like,now i feel something i never felt before it sisnt the sex its everything. I smile when i think of the lovers faces what he says or does. i feel nothing for the hubby anymore is this natural after all these years? is this really love i feel with the lover or fantasy? have i bulit him up to be the perfect man or what? when i am with him i want him as bad as he wants me so sex happened, wether i am with him or not i just feel like i love him so much it hurts. I don't know what to do or think i guess I need to give it time. could you tell me what love feels like? How do you know the difference? I love my family, I love my husband like i said i think its more like a brother i dont feel the passion or intensity like I feel for my lover.
grandmama1156 grandmama1156
51-55, F
7 Responses May 25, 2012

I am sorry if I am affecting your resolve of not meeting your affair partner. But just think about your own life, there is only one life and you are not living the way you want it to be.<br />
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Do you remember of any thing that happened in your family say 50 years ago? Did anyone had affair or did some terrible mistake? do you think it matters now? Similarly, we care too much thinking what is right and suppressing our own feelings. All this for what? after a 100 years no one even knows or cares what you did.<br />
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This made me re think about everything I do and I just continued doing stuff as far as its legal and I plan well not to get caught by others.<br />
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Take care!

The biggest problem is when you are in love with them you still want them. I still miss my affair partner very much. its been two weeks feels like months. It hurts and I would gladly go back to him if we could get away with it. yet I am trying to get over it there is a part of me that wants him to contact me and come see me again. It's hard to be strong.

WE ALL CAN MOVE ON IT TAKES WILL POWER! We are doing it so can you anyone reading this so can you! let the affair go if yiou know its for the best. Your family and other things in your life are more important! Keep busy keep moving for the next goal. Be strong!

troubled i sent you a message mail i dont know if you got it or not answering your last post. I just thot we kept talking back and forth if you wanted to mail it would work too. but if not its ok this way. I know how you feel its nice to hear someone else feeling the same way.

The scary part is just how easy you can be drawn back into it. I feel guilty and I dont all atthe same time. There was a time I was hoping that I would be caught then the decision would be made for me but I dont feel like that anymore. Hard part is there is nobody to really talk about it with. about a year ago I confronted my wife with the things that were bothereing me and to my surprise she fixed everything for me even the sex is better. So I have been just lying to everyone since then and it has to stop. This is my first and only affair I really do love my affair partner but when you analyze it it really just wouldnt work in the end. I tell ya the intimacy and sex is the most powerful and addicting thing I have ever experienced and Iam a very strong person. Iam well respected in town and if this got out it would ruin me in the community as I coach many many kids including my affair partners kids....I see her regularly this will be very hard for me but i have to stop. At the end we were really all about the sex and it was great but Iam married and have to move on...Holy **** this sucks...

Nebo12: Thank you so much I appreciate everything you told me. I thank you for the honesty.<br />
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Troubled56: Yes we must and can stop. It is very hard to continue with life because all i do is think of him and I feel guilty but it was so strong I dont feel that guilty, It is hard to think or do anything without being a zombie! I have been consumed by it by him basically everything. I do love him but We have decided to stop. Not because either of us wanted to but knew we must. The longer it contiues the worse it will get I think. It has only been a few days and I miss him but there is a burden lifted. The passion, romance, words of love, sex, the feeling I got from him is hard to get over. But I must and time heals all wounds, right? It is like a death in the family. But with you and people like you, each others support on this website I think we can get thru it. If I can get thru it so can you. It wasnt the sex holding me with my affair I think it was just the electricity, love, intensity, passion, building more out of it in my head, flirting, feeling like teenagers and words of romance. I don't think I ever loved anyone like that before but I think its partly a built up fantasy too. I hope to take it to the grave and no one in my family ever finds out. I don't want to hurt them. I'm glad its over (and not glad) but it does hurt. It is hard to deal with but I am doing it. I want contact with him again but I know if we talk it will start back up and we need it to be over. So I deleted all messages, e mails, love letters and pictures. even tho theres a part of me that hopes in the future maybe we will get together again. Honestly and legally. I hope to move on with my life even tho I am truly depressed at this time. Its still better then my family finding out. So keep on moving forward.

We need to move on and more importantly let our affair partner move on as well. I feel the exact same as you want it to continue and maybe in the future one day it can play out but it cannot. Sounds like we both have too much to lose and we need to stop being selfish and think about realities. I admit it is so hard. I am 5 days not seeing my love and it hurts and she hurts but it has to be...I too cannot be discovered I would be left all alone and i really have so much going for me. I drive my car with a picture of my 4 children on the dash to stay focused. My wife has turned everything around for me and I owe it to her after 18 years. Life is crazy Iam still in love with my affair partner but I know better always did and I have to be fair to her. I fell awful and hurt so bad and I know she knows we are over and she hurts so bad as she loves me...It will take time and lots of Hurt but it has to be....If you want to talk let me know.....I know 5 days doesnt sound like a lot but it is...

wow! we do have a lot in common! Its ony been one week for us. I believe the first few weeks are going to be the toughest. I love your idea of the kids on the car dash to stay focused. I feel guilty for what i did, I wish i could wipe my memory. But it was so intense and strong i couldnt stop. So it's like I feel guilty and bad but wierd that i dont feel worse then this. At first I was in constant turmoil. The more days that go by the more I pray no one ever finds out and the pain goes away a little better each day. I cant wait till I can wash him out of my hair and (mind) completely. I am trying to rekindle love with my husband without him knowing why. Yes this talking with you is good support thanks. no contact at all with my affair partner is the best I think. It will help me get over him easier.

Wow, this is a very very tough situation. However my suggestion would be to weigh the pros and cons of leaving/staying with the hubby or being with the lover. As you said, after 38 years there willbe major major pain and you have to ask yourself is it truly worth it? Yes, you may truly love the lover, but you must think in long term though. If you left your husband to go for the lover and that passion declined over time, what would you do then? However, I understand you want to be happy too and maybe you should keep the affair as secret as possible and see if you and your lover drift apart. Yes, I know, morally that sounds bad but frankly you already cheated on your husband so morally speaking it really doesn't matter if you continue to have the affair or not. You must remember though, any choice you make will be terribly difficult. <br />
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Do you stay in a marriage for 38 years and continue to be un-happy?<br />
Do you leave your husband after 38 years and hurt him and your family, although they all will eventually get over it? It's the initial shock that you are going to have to overcome.<br />
Do go with the Lover who might or might not feel the same for you as he does now in the future?<br />
Do you carry on the affair in secret and also have your hubby but there is always that possibility that you might get caught and a whole lot of people will get hurt and pissed of at you?<br />
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These are the some of the descions that you might have to make. I feel for you. Good luck on whatever you decide. By the way if you do get a divorce, do it for yourself and not your lover. He has nothing to lose. You on the hand do and if you say that you want a divorce because your not happy in the relationship anymore then your family probably understand you,except for your husband. Compared with saying your leaving for another man or you get caught cheating, there might be a negative stigma on you from most of your family.

I have posted Iam in affair for 20 months..After reading lots of posts and looking at my own situation and YOURS.. I love my affair partner but without a doubt it is the sex that keeps bringing me back to her. In everybodys post they talk about the greatest sex but still love their family... Im doing the samething as you..should we stop? YES..Can we ? I hope so. Iam truly trying...Good Luck