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My Affair...With A Pastor

While I was married I had several affairs. The one that sticks with me and I'm still continueing, eats at me day and night. Two years ago I met a man online. He sought me out and we chatted and decided to meet. After seeing him three times he told me he wasn't built for this so I let him go and left it at that. Not more than 24 hours later he messages me to tell me he missed me and wanted to see me again. I thought whatever I just want the attention I wasn't getting at home afterall, it was just sex.
He told me he was a music producer and staying with his cousins and to come over to their home to see him because he they were out of town. I never believed his story about being a music producer to begin with. I met him at their home and as I left I memorized the address. After a day of digging I found him. The house he took me to was HIS home. It turned out he was a Music Pastor at a HUGE local church. I couldn't believe what I was reading. Oddly, one fantasy of mine was to "be" with a pastor but it was only a fantasy. I never thought it would come true. Throughout the rest of my digging I found out his wife was pregnant with their third child. Seriously, who cheats on their pregnant wife? After that night at his home we didn't see eachother for a couple of months and then out of the blue he wants to see me again. Knowing who he was I still went because sadly the sex was really good and I thought I could over look what I had found out. I finally told him two months later that I knew who he was. However, he still wanted to see me. Weird, but ok. I am currently still seeing him two years later. What love for God I did have has completely crumbled to the ground. I can't go to church without thinking about him in front of his congregation preaching what he doesn't follow. I want to break it off but I have become addicted to him and part of me wants him to choose me but I do know that will never happen. How can he do what he does on a weekly basis and still see me? Part of me wants to confront him and tell his wife because once I do end it completely I don't want him seducing someone more naive than me. I just don't know anymore. I feel lost and confused. Sometimes pain is the only way we learn.
fallenmusic11 fallenmusic11 31-35, F 1 Response Feb 22, 2013

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Wow that is ridiculously crazy. You would actually be surprised how many pastors have issues like this. I think there was a huge investigational church survey by xxxchurch.com (they are a christian group who preaches in Las Vegas focusing on the *********** demographic), anyways the survey was anonymous and they found that a huge number, like 50% of pastors had either said they had viewed or were currently addicted to *********** within the last 6 months. It's really unfortunate for pastors because they are looked upon as these great people, when in all senses they are just as sinful as anyone else. A pastor doesn't sin less than another individual, they just have to learn how to hide it better, which is sad to think, because these people are the ones who teach us about love, and one of the qualities of love is honesty. Unfortunately in this case, this man has fallen into the temptation of sin. I can't say I know the story that well on his side, but seeing that he lied about the nature of everything, he is struggling with the guilt inside, otherwise he would just blatantly tell you and trust that you wouldn't reveal his secret. Which means he probably had a strong addiction to *********** and it has manifested into a full blown affair. Pastors aren't immune to sin, but they do need to be held accountable for what they do. You shouldn't feel guilty for what you have done so long as you have repented and broken off the relationship. Our God is a God of love and forgiveness and He has forgiven far worse than something of this nature, there is not a sin He cannot forgive. You can always restart and build up your relationship with God, but by postponing it and continuing this relationship, you're putting yourself in harms way, both emotionally and spiritually. You can obviously tell this is a dead end, he's not going to leave his family for you and that wouldn't be the right thing to do either, this is also destroying your relationship with God. I would highly implore you to pray and look for a more healthy relationship than this one with this pastor. I cannot say whether it is right or wrong to reveal this to his family and his church, but I guess if I were the victim of this and I was being cheated on by my spouse. I would want someone to tell me rather than leaving me in the dark. Plus, you know he will just seek for another relationship, it is the nature of this sort of sin. It's something that will continue and may not stop. You could potentially be saving people rather than destroying them. What is worse, not revealing an evil and letting that evil continue to lead others? Or revealing who he is now and allow people to seek greater hope with a stronger leader. This seems very dangerous and irresponsible for you to just ignore this dilemma. You have a moral choice to make and I cannot tell you which one to choose. I would highly implore you to pray to God for guidance with this one. Personally, I would reveal it. Many members will break off and possibly renounce their faith, but at the same time, that goes to show the strength of their faith in the first place and I believe God takes into consideration a person's heart, not so much on what they believe or do not believe. So this isn't about you forcing people to lose salvation, that is an individual's choice and if it takes a sinful pastor to ruin their faith with God, I believe they weren't that convinced by God's message. My church had an experience like that, the pastor had the exact same scenario. Many people left the church, many stayed and prayed for a new pastor and our church was blessed with new amazing pastors that proceeded the unfaithful one. So it's a necessary cleansing that builds the church on a stable ground, because either way it is going to fall, better for it to fall and be rebuilt earlier than for it to continue to decay and be deceived for so many years. I think that is the right thing to do, but this is your choice and you need to pray for what is right! I will keep you in my prayers, keep the faith strong and please seek out a stronger relationship with God, He will give you the things in life that will keep you satisfied. They may not give you that wild energy you first receive with events of this nature, but at the same time, these events also bring great pain and displeasure in the end. God bless!

Thank you for your reply. Your insight has been helpful but my dilemma is, who do I tell first? Do I go to his main pastor at his church? Or, do I tell his wife only? Then I live 40 miles away in another city so do I try to tell his wife or lead pastor in person, or write a letter/email? I'm not sure I'm strong enough to face his wife in person, however I believe deep down she deserves to know. I just don't want to face being called names to my face, but I deserve it in some respect. Any other advice is greatly appreciated! Thank you.

I completely understand the not wanting to be face to face. There's a lot of drama and anger and confusion can be misdirected towards the wrong person when heads aren't thinking straight. I think a phone call or e-mail would be appropriate. If she chooses not to believe you that is one thing, you have at least made an attempt to reach out, there's a difference between people who look to fix a problem and do the right thing, and people who just look to get others in trouble. You are not one who seeks to purposely harm someone's reputation just out of spite, but out of respect and care for another individual.

You are right. I don't want to harm anyone else. Or, someone else fall prey to these lies. I couldn't bare the thought of that. It's mosly why I still see him because I don't want him to go elsewhere and deceive a more naive person. But what's the price? My emotional and physical well being.

What about his wife as well. Sure, he may not be seeing someone else, but he isn't investing time with her. she should have a fair chance to be with someone loving and supportive!

Yes, she does. I fully agree

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