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My Affair Frees Me

I have been having an affair with my bestfriend for the past 4 years. My husband found out 2 years ago and thinks I have stopped seeing him! I tried but have not managed to completely cut him out of my life! Sometimes it feels as if I am more meant to be with my lover who understands me as I really am. Lately I want to be with him more than most times....even if its not physical.....its very confusing and somewhat depressing!
sadgrl sadgrl 31-35, F 12 Responses Jul 19, 2007

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I can understand how u feel complete bliss eh . well nothing last for long .so be warned things feel all cosy warm as its a sercret ur keeping and the fact ur lover can behave this wa .if us got together as coulple whos to say he may cheat on u .just see ur affair for what it is go home to ur security at night .there is never any winners in this affair .guilt .if u off load guilt to ur hubby to ease ur mind then uv just gonna open can worms for urself please take care .oh one last thing when did u last get a sexual health tset done on urself :) keep safe

It sounds like your husband is not meeting all of your needs. Is there any way that he could?

I’ve been with this guy off and on for the last 20yrs….he is now married has been since 2001, she got preg and he didnt want to be a weekend dad again like he has to be with his son. No matter how hard we try we are emotionally and sexually attracted to each, even just yesterday….here comes the sextling (I did manage to shut it down and told him he needs to try and concentrate on his marriage. Its easy to get together since he works nights and in law enforcement, but none of it makes it right, regardless our reasons. I’m aware we both are wrong…Today he even said I dont know what to call this relationship we have......its mostly emotionally than sexual,

life is a complicated place. I live in a world like yours, with a best friend that I feel the same about. I am married - he is in a relationship with the mother of his 6yr old daughter. Truth is that neither of us chose our partners as a second choice. We both love our partners just as much but the relationship between us is something we never knew existed until we experienced it. <br />
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We don't have a long term plan. We hold back on a physical level but it would be naive of us to pretend we aren't what we are. 5 years is a long time and we have tried time apart and distance and all the recommendations of leave the 2nd relationship to explore the first but the reality is that although it is not the conditioned status quo of society, what is wrong with our relationship? We love each other. We honour our relationships and the commitments we made earlier to our meeting each other with sincerity and love. <br />
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We don't see each other as often as we'd like. sometimes it is 3 times a week, sometimes it is once a month. truth is no matter where he is or what is happening, I know he loves me. I know he cares about me and misses me. I also know that I am a good person who was raised to honor the commitments I make. I love. I am loved and While how I feel about him is unsaid in my home life, I am open about times I see him or spend time and my husband doesn't ask questions. <br />
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Truth is, I genuinely don't believe that there should be no secrets in a relationship, I believe privacy and trust are big things. I trust my husband that his secrets are for the best of his personal self and ask only that he tell me if he no longer loves me. I give the same in return.<br />
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There may come a time when our marriage no longer works and there may come a time when our time together may not have to end but realistically, impatience will only speed up irrelevant decisions, that are un nessersary for us to make at the moment. I honor the physical aspects of my marriage by not having sexual relations with my best friend, but I do kiss him. We have a beautifully intimate relationship where a touch is appreciated fully and it is as deep as it could be even if we were sexual. Communication is the focus. Where as my home life is a fun younger relationship ba<x>sed on sexuality for intimacy, he is less skilled at communication but is a very kind loving man as well. <br />
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I just consider that at this moment in my life, I am very blessed. People will judge heavily, and have in the past but this is my life. I don't judge the illusion that is your marriage don't judge mine just because it scares you. My truth is my own and I have learned to love and accept love in return. I call that blessed.

I think that is so interesting and I really respect your honesty. I have really opened up to this whole idea of questioning monogamy after a male friend of mine (with a girlfriend) and I got a bit intimate but didn't have sex. I've been studying sociology which teaches you to question everything rather than picking a side. We just have chemistry that became apparent after I was dealing with a breakup and crying to him because I was so distraught. I started seeing depth to him and he is my intellectual equal, which I really struggle to find. He lived with us because him and my brother are at uni together and only moved out recently and I miss him but at the same time feel relief that I'm not so hung up on him. He moved out partially because he couldn't stop cheating with me and in a way I hate that I couldn't just be his friend. I sent him a message saying I miss how we used to talk because it's been 2 months since we really talked and he said he felt the same but I haven't heard anything since. Reading about your relationship kind of excites me, maybe because I've grown into quite an open minded person and I constantly challenge thoughts and ideas about things. Sometimes I victimise myself and feel like he took advantage of me because I was vulnerable, but this happened a couple of months after I stopped crying over my ex and I am quite sure that me spending 2 hours crying wasn't part of our chemistry :P I really liked your story and have favourited it for personal advice :) I shared mine because I can't really talk about it and I am betting you can totally understand. With this guy I feel like he can't leave his girlfriend because he has been with her for about 4 years now and it's so hard to cut someone out of your life who has been there with you through so much. I don't think they have the chemistry (sexual and intellectual) me and him have but I can't hold onto someone and waste my life. I'm just hoping down the track we run into each other again because I reckon sparks will fly and he has told me things he has told no one else.

don't know why i don't go the path of perfect fulfillment. love the wife but the woman I had an affair with is my soulmate. Maybe I'm a coward. We have this one life and opportunities come and go. It's up to us seize those opportunities for a life of happiness and fulfillment. Why the hell is it so hard to just be with the one we're meant to be with.

you said it! My lover is my soulmate too. I wish he was mine :(

im in a very similar place. i know you must get a lot of advice (such as in these comments) that tell you to divorce your husband but apparently its not that simple for you- for me either. i will tell you the conclusion ive come to in my own situation, not that ive successfully executed this yet, mind you, and perhaps this is something that could work for you as well. i truly believe that you have to stop seeing the friend and devote yourself fully and completely to the marriage. that is the only way youll be able to find out if the marriage is inherently unsatisfying or if your friend is just complicating the matter. if you are without your friend and you still cant be fully happy with your husband you will be better able to leave your marriage (if that is the right decision for you) bec you wont feel scandalous and as wracked with guilt for the turmoil you will cause - you will be able to see it truly as an act of self preservation (if that is what it is) and not one of selfishness. if you dont do this, you will continue to live in two worlds, which is just no way to live. and you will never feel complete or whole in either one. you may eventually leave your husband for your friend but even then you might have serious misgivings towards your friend - i know for me, the guilt, shame, and pure heartache associated with losing my wonderful husband and my marriage would forever mar the relationship i can potentially have with my friend.<br />
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whatever you do, i wish you luck and peace and contentment in all of your decisions. just remember, everyone deserves happiness, and everyone deserves a marriage full of deep friendship and passion and chemistry. i hope you find everything you deserve.

ur ******* the the dude--and u enjoy the **** and the pleasure he brings u---why not bring in a girl with ur husband and have a mfm thing going--so u can keep ******* ur lover on the side w/o him knowing

dont stay in a relationship that isnt giving you what you need, if you have children, they are resiliant and will cope, I stayed with my husband, trough thick and thin, and now i really, really regret it, we have a desolate marriage, no sex, never do anything together, i am finding it harder and harder to stay, but i cannot now see a way out, having an affair gives some respite to this bleakness, but can never ever replace a real fulfilling relationship, dont end up like me

Ditto

I feel so deeply how you feel. I feel as though my friend and I are so suited for one another. He meets me on an intellectual level, and emotional level. I love my husband, and refuse to leave...I cannot explain it. I love to write, and usually have no problem putting my feelings into words, but I cannot explain the logic behind any of this. And I think that is why I am so caught up.

I'm with you sadgrl... I am having an affair right now also and it is a truly exhilerating experience. Dont' feel bad, especially if your husband is not giving you what you need... my husband doesn't have ANY interest in sex - so you have to do what you have to do!!!

I am asking this question allot I guess.. After posting my experience... I kinda wanna hear others points of view. In your case it sounds like you found someone that makes your life a joy. ...so... what is keeping you married? kids? social pressure? Why do you feel like you need to be depressed and stuck in your marriage instead of building a new life?<br />
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Just wondering.... <br />
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in my situation I feel the need to break my marriage for happiness.<br />
-d

Thank you for ur support (i guess) lol....what do you think is really keeping you from enjoying life to the fullest? fear of getting caught maybe? what others might say? or hurting the one person that has also devoted their life to you?<br />
I think of these things all so often but you know what....I can't help but feel as if I belonged in both places! at my boyfriends and at home with my husband!