I Have Lost My Best Friend

I have just experienced the end of a 16-month affair.  I am still waiting at the airport to go home.  I am stunned and shocked and in the most terrible pain.  I obviously cannot go to the people who love me to confide this--so i am here looking for a bit of support and companionship from those who may have been where i am now. i will try to keep the story short.

i met a man online-we live very far apart from each other.  he and i both expressed that our needs were not being met emotionally and sexually in our marriages.  we chatted more and more frequently and became good friends--really began to rely on one another for emotional sustenance.  eventually we agreed to meet and the relationship advanced to a sexual level.  as our emotional and physical intimacy grew, we confided to one another that we were in love and made every effort to meet each other's needs. 

the long and short of it is that our very best efforts were not enough to sustain a long-distance, clandestine love-affair---no matter how hard we tried.  we simply did not have enough time to invest in each other, not to mention the constant anquish over not wishing to hurt our spouses, not wanting to be discovered, etc.

i now feel as though i have lost my best friend, my world has crashed and burned and i don't know where to turn. 

does anyone have any words of wisdom for me?

pinkpearlsgirl pinkpearlsgirl
2 Responses Mar 23, 2009

Totally agree with Mizz Blue. The no contact is essential as well. Good luck hun. Just give your heart some time to heal.

Oh honey [HUGE HUGSSSSS]. Wow - I can feel your pain. I am in a position similar to this - and it's hard. Especially when you become emotionally invlolved, and you truly care for the other person. You want nothing but for them to be happy, and to not hurt or lose anything. And with children involved - it is huge. And it makes it really, really hard. <br />
<br />
A lot of people will tell you that men have affairs only for sex, and women for emotional outlets. That is not always true. Men need to feel loved emotionally too - just as women do. Some affairs are not even sexual. When affairs are purely physical - they are easier to stop. It's when emotions are brought into it. That is when problems start. You know what you are walking away from - and you know what you are risking - what can not be lost. <br />
<br />
Be kind to you REALLY kind - this is a significant loss. <br />
Treat yourself as if your best friend has come to you asking for help. Humans are usually kinder to others than we are to ourselves. <br />
<br />
These feelings will NOT go away over night. Take the time to grieve - you will need to do this. Cry - and cry all you need to cry. I know if is hard for you, because you can't cry around the people you love - but crying will help get this out. And little by little, each day gets a little better - a little more tolerable.<br />
<br />
From what I have read and hard others talk of - the best way to do this, is to have absolutley no contact - at all. That means no emails. no calls, no IM'ng - nada. <br />
<br />
There is a good website you can check out that has a great support system - PM me and I will share with you. They really are good. And you can post and share hear and they will support your decision - some more than others, but you will get more there than here. <br />
<br />
Good luck - and seriously - be gentle to yourself. It's the scars that we can't see that take the longest to heal ...