My First Affair

It was my first, her...well, who knows. It has changed my life for the better. Initially, I thought I would have guilt and shame to deal with, but there is none of that. Just the opposite happened....I've been saturated with confidnce, more than I've ever had.

I've read enough and heard enough stories about affairs causing wrecked families, and chose a married woman to have an affair with to minimize any confusions about leaving my wife and family. She has asked that I remain exclusive to her and not fool around with "other" other women...I thought this would be assumed and expected, but she asked and that made me feel good about her not seeing other other men as well.

We have young children and since they came, the sex has been less than 5 times a year. Sometimes we had gone a year with no sex. I've also noticed women in my life have been acting very differently, speaking to me in a way that I notice it....they're flirting. I have been told I walk differently, I talk differently and I seem like I've had some type of awakening. Before I was married, I was always the kind of guy who attracted women with my personality, and found myself in a pickle more than once due to my inability to control and  learn the boundaries of flirtatious behavior. I honestly don't know how this other woman even found me the slightest bit attractive one month ago, because I was nothing like I am now. Thankfully a spec of my old personality must have been present, or she would have told me to get lost. 

The people on this website in other forums have been very supportive of my talking about this affair. Some people just don't understand, I was one of those people. I remember finding out about people I knew having affairs and thinking it was disgusting behavior, designed to destroy families. If you get caught, it destroys families, and from what I've read online, 80% of married men get caught....but you know what? eff the internet and it's BS statistics, it also says online that jews are the devil, and Bush was responsible for 9/11. I'll take my chances.

WhoDeeKnee WhoDeeKnee
41-45, M
16 Responses May 16, 2009

We all need adult companionship. We have found it with others.

You all are horrible. Never once in any of these discussions have you talked about the impact of your actions on your spouse or the stress that occurs when you know that your spouse is cheating and denies it. It is all the fault of your better half, well I call your bs. Any marriage is 50/50 and if you are fully blaming your spouse for your cheating then you are deluding yourself. Any cheating is the most selfish thing you can do in any relationship, it is not about your partner, it is about your insecurities.
Your spouse is a person with feelings who knows deep inside you are cheating, it is tearing them apart and crushing their self confidence and ability to feel confident in their decisions. They feel crazy because you keep denying what you are doing and tell them they are ridiculous for accusing you. Your children and families all pay the price for the stress that you cause. You may feel that it is no big deal, but it is. If there is a problem in the marriage, address it like an adult. Don't hide and indulge like a child. Your total concern is for yourself and your gratification. Not in any discussion have I heard anything about the long term affect of what you are doing, let me tell you your kids and family know and are suffering. They aren't clueless.
If you spent as much time with your spouse as you do covering your infidelity then you would have a valid meaningful relationship that your family and kids could be proud of.
If you don't want to be there and you want to cheat, then leave. Don't put your wife. family, kids through the torture of repeated denial.

My entire life has been spent in these affairs of long and short duration.They work exceedingly well only if the ground rules are strictly maintained and emotions are kept in check. They must only be carried on with marrieds, those in similar circumstances as it is the only option of any consequence to a sexless marriage. The key of course is to understand that this is only a momentary escape from a marriage not the end of one.<br />
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While some do wind up in divorce and remarriage more do not and others can be disastrous causing pain to an lot of innocent persons.<br />
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However, they are both exciting and thrilling and although I cannot advocate them for everyone they have proven to be delightful liaisons for me and all involved.<br />
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It might be well to state here that they all seem ultimately to have a determinate lifespan which reinforces the premise that they are in reality merely momentary escape mechanisms and not a vehicle for major change.

It sounds like you had a bit of an awakening to the way trying to be a "nice" guy all the time to your wife can actually cause your marriage to be worse than if you stand up for yourself and take a more "dominant" role with your wife.<br />
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There are people who have given a lot of thought to this, drawing their insights from evolutionary psychology. On average women are subconsciously more attracted to men who display dominant "alpha" qualities. Here's something written by a man who applied these ideas to his marriage:<br />
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I basically became a spineless "beta" that handed my wife my balls and she was very unhappy with me for it. She couldn't respect me and she was falling out of attraction with me. When a women you are married to or involved with no longer finds you attractive - because you do not display adequate traits of dominance - that's when your relationship begins to have 'problems' and she begins to nitpick and employ passive-aggressive conflicts that make your life a living hell...and usually ends up ending the relationship if it goes on for too long.<br />
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And the typical man's response when he knows the relationship is going wrong is to escalate the very behaviors that are turning off her attraction for you in the first place! Buy her gifts, take her on vacations, spoil her like a princess, beg her to stay with you...these are all traits that turn off her biological cues of attraction!<br />
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Of COURSE, this does not mean a selfish woman is justified in destroying her family by divorcing her husband, and turning into the ex-wife from hell...but I say to you, that a man that makes himself knowledgeable about the biological imperatives that drive women's attraction are far less likely to end up as another ex-husband chained into peonage, because you CAN learn how to keep your long term woman continually attracted to you.<br />
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A lot of these ideas were first developed by so-called "pick-up artists" (PUA). Though they use them to pick up women in bars, the same ideas can apply to any long-term relationship. <br />
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Exuding natural confidence seems to be working in your case, but if you are serious about improving your marriage, it would be worth your time to read up on this stuff.<br />
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Keep in mind, a lot of the people involved in this can come off as very misogynistic, but don't let that put you off. <br />
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Read that link I posted.<br />
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Here's another blog oriented towards the pick-up artist side, but often has some insightful thoughts about male/female relations. Some posts can be pretty juvenile however so take it with a grain of salt. <br />
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Good luck!

Married16 Re: Whatever it is<br />
That's the one of the most descriptive songs regarding the pure, unadulterated love that a man can feel for a woman, and what that love can do for a man, that I have ever heard. <br />
Thank You

awesome! Couldn't have said it better myself. I have a level of trust and comfort with him that I don't seem to have with anyone else - maybe because we are sharing the same secret? We talk about things with each other that we wouldn't talk about with anyone else. It's nice.

More male perspective:<br />
This whole thing is going quite well for me. I'm learning some valuable life lessons. I've got a friend, we have sex and go out to dinner, we really enjoy being with one another. We were both born in different countries, yet have similar interests. We share trust, respect, and passion. With that, comes my maturity. No longer am I a boy in a mans body. I've found some things out about male family members, older than me, who have done this same thing and continue to do so. Men who I look up to, respect and who I would never suspect of cheating. I am beginning to think all men do this, I know all don't, but it feels as if they do. Or will. I don't know how most define being a man, but for me, its realizing that life is a one shot it to the fullest every day. Make your family happy and you will be happy. I could never grasp that, people who said that to me were idiots who had clear heads, they did not have all the pressures I've got. Or so I thought. Well, my pressures haven't changed, but I sure have. And to think, it started with me realizing that I was miserable, and doing something about it. Not just wallowing in my misery, but finding a way out. Finding a way to love my family and not want to blow my brains out every time I walked into my own home. I owe it all to myself, not to my girlfriend, there seemed to be confusion about that in the beginning. Now its clear. Putting her up that high would only cause her to lose respect for me, putting myself in that slot has made me feel the way I feel right now...respected, wanting more of her, and loving and dealing with my kids more than ever.

I agree with Married. It's best to get it out in the open and talk about it. makes things less complicated, otherwise you run the risk of hurt feelings. I was the first to say it, but he quickly acknowledged it too. I know he's not entirely comfortable with it either; it causes him conflict so he's laid it out to me that he feels it and shows it but just isn't comfortable saying it. and now I know what to expect (or not expect, as the case may be).

Oh the stare. We too had one of those. A few actually. We laid down rules inititally about not saying "I love you" and just keeping it simple. However, when you make that connection it's hard to deny. Instead of just feeling uneasy about it when the moment arose we address it in normal conversation. Laid it out on the table and worked it out. I never expected to love this guy and didn't think I could let myself but I do. We say it when we feel it and we're both happy about it. If I might suggest a song for you to check out that might summarize your feelings, check out "Whatever It Is" by the Zac Brown Band. Good luck to you.

Yes, I'm certainly enjoying the male perspective as well! It's gratifying that you have the reactions/thoughts/feelings I'd like to believe he has as well... and honestly, it gives me much confidence too.

I'm so thankful for your story. I am currently involved in my 2nd affair with a great man who before me had a few extra marital booty calls but never an affair. He too is experiencing a lot of the new feelings and confidence that you are. He comments from time to time about how women including his wife act differently towards him now. A lot more flirting and advances made towards him. I love his new found confidence and it makes for some very explosive sex. I'm very happy that I've met him. <br />
He has an account on EP and I emailed him a link to your story. Keep posting, there are a lot of men who could certainly benefit from a little more sharing when it comes to the male perspective.

LOL!! I know exactly what you mean. It's the same for me, too. Except the fingernail and toenail part, that is. :) That sounds like it might hurt...

You're right muddy. I should clarify that my affair has been a completely selfish and wreckless act on my part. I am putting myself in that position and I take full responsibility for my actions. <br />
Did I mention my wife pulls my fingernails out and shoves bamboo in my toenails? lol just kiddin.

Interesting how that can happen... though that certainly can never be an excuse or reason for an affair. But I do completely understand! I'm very glad it's working out for you.

Lawmom. I do think there is hope for my marriage. At least for the time being. I don't feel the same about my wife. The sexless marriage was just a symptom of a larger problem. I was raised by old fashioned parents, I cringe when I hear a woman talk down to, criticize, not take the side of, not stand behind, poke around in the business of, or generally be disrespectful to their husbands. My wife has done all of these things. I've had 3 serious relationships before my wife and not one of those women did any of that to me. I know why, its because I never gave them any reason to be that way. It wasn't until I married my wife and got to see how her parents acted towards one another, that I realized I had a problem on my hands. Her mother acts this way towards her father. She is loud, disrespectful, and rude towards my father in law. Its embarassing. <br />
Sometimes I can't believe the things that come out of her mouth. I've provided an excellent living for her and my children. I participate in the kids school, church, and activities. I bought a second vacation home so the kids can escape the city for the summer and enjoy the sea air and beach. I've been a passive man all I can. Hiding behind a facade of happiness. Its all fake. I'm not happy. I felt rage inside towards my wife and my patience with my young children was being affected. One of several things was about to happen. Health issues, explosive behavior, or divorce. I chose to have an affair instead. It worked wonders. There will never be happiness in my marriage unless I am happy. Right now I'm happy. My wife seems happier and less disrespectful. I don't know why all of a sudden she has curbed her mouth, but she has. There were plenty of times I felt like slapping her teeth out, but I would never raise my hand to my wife or family. I don't know how long this will last. I think she has watched me lose my stomach, start working out, taking pride in myself and appearance and is in a ****** panic as a result. We'll see how long it lasts.

well, I know exactly what you are talking about! That's why I found EP and joined as well, to talk about this experience with people who understand and don't judge. Congratulations on finding something that works for you, as it has worked for a lot of other people. And I'm with you, screw the statistics! I think the ones who aren't caught also aren't being counted in these stats because they know how to keep it quiet and safe...which is my plan.