I Love Him But I Am Not Getting What I Need

I will try to make this story as short as possible but it may not work out that way. I met my wonderful loving husband online in Sept 2000. He lived about 2hrs from me so I did not think our online relationship would ever come to much plus he was nearly 14yrs older and that kind of bothered me..I was a nurse at the time doing flu shot clinics all over my state and one of them ended up being in his city so of course we met beforehand and I could not tell during the lunch if he actually liked me or not..Im used to guys always making it obvious they are interested so anyway he was walking me to my car and out of nowhere he swings me around and plants a kiss on me and tells me if I am still interested he would like to meet me for drinks after my clinic was over..so as I am giving people shots I am thinking of that kiss and deceide to meet him to play pool..well he met me and made it obvious he was interested, at this point im not sure about him yet but i figure he might work with a haircut and some new clothes so I went home with him and had the best sex I had ever had up to that point in my life. I ended up spending the weekend with him and we hardly came up for air the whole time. I had never been with a man who could *** multiple times in a row like that. I was in heaven.

Nothing else mattered then, plus he was a wonderful man..he was a single dad and I was a single mom, our kids were close in age and as we continued dating over the years it was obvious we were perfect for one another. We never had any of the growing pains step familys usually have..His kids loved and respected me and vice versa..He also treated my kids on equal footing with his and I did the same..It or still is wonderful how well everyone gets along.  I could not imagine my life without him and he could never imagine me not in his. It wasnt all roses but he always sent them (12 dozen of them one time) when we fought..He was and still is a romantic. Hes sending me and my mom to Mexico for my valentines present..he owns his own company so he cant go right now cause someone else there is taking a vacation..that gives you an idea anyway..oh he can be an *** dont get me wrong but he will always say im sorry and he has never been physical..I know Im no picnic all the time either and work hard not to ever hold grudges but there is just one thing I cant let go of...

Our sex life after 10yrs has turned to **** pretty much at least to me..The passion is nearly completely gone. He will only *** once now and has no interest in trying for more or going all night like we used to. We still have regular sex at least 4 times a week but its just one shot for like 20 mins and then its over.  I have done everything..danced for him (I used to be a ******** when I was 18) and that always used to work..go down on him for as long as he wants and I mean all the way down, I have no gag reflex..I keep my body in great condition im 5'10 and 140lbs..I mean he always is turned on he just dosnt want to put forth the effort I guess..He will make sure I get off once and then he gets off..Am I selfish here for wanting more? We talked about this just last night cause it was Valentines and I thought well if I can get him to go longer it will be tonight but he only apologized and told me if I needed more than he could give me then I needed to find someone else but just dont tell him or let him find out..I asked how could he want me to do that and be with him to which he replied "I want you and love you and if I am not enough in bed I want you to be happy as long as you dont fall in love with the other guy." I told him I dont want anyone else but him and why would he not try. He replied "I guess Im too old now plus coming more than once is just not as good for me so I dont want to spoil it" What do you say to that? I feel like Im not worth it to him..but then his actions in everything else tell me otherwise..ok so anyway...

Unbenowst to him I have already had 2 affairs the first was this last Sept and only was once, the second one is ongoing with a man who is in my situation as well except his wife wont have sex at all..We have only actually done it once, another time I just gave him a blow job in a parking lot..another thing my husband dosnt like me to do all the way...I dont know how to feel about this..I mean my husband has always made it clear I am his soulmate and the love of his life and he will do whatever he can to keep me but hes not and its weird because he made it clear when we started getting really serious that he would not tolerate a woman who holds out on sex, uses it as a weapon, or lets herself go.His ex had done this to him and he wasnt going to go through it again..I totally agreed with him being very sexual and very into taking care of myself as well so his request did not offend me in the least...I have lived up to my end of the bargin but he sure hasnt..he is refusing me in the bedroom and has let himself go and gain 20+ lbs..Im willing to overlook the weight to a point but to never have a sexual encounter last more than 20mins is where I draw the line.

I get angry about this alot lately..My husband has never treated me like a trophy wife before..my needs and wants always use to matter all of them. but lately when I complain about my sexual needs im told to just get used to how it is now or find a substitute..I get a gift or a trip thrown at me to placate me when I just want him to want me like he used to..and no he will not take any pills so I guess Ill keep having my illicit sex so I am fufilled although to be honest I dont keep that feeling long. I dont know what else to do..I love my husband and wish I didnt have to get what I need elsewhere but Im tired of begging and pleading. If he would just do it for me once a month I would be thrilled..I think its been 3yrs since we had sex longer than 20mins..Theres no danger of me falling in love with any other man because when I am having sex with someone else and close my eyes its my husband I see not anyone else. I do love him so much and I do anything he asks of me, why cant he do the same? I know it works and I know for fact he can get aroused once hes orgasmed but he refuses..can anyone give me any insight here?

ginnybean32 ginnybean32
31-35, F
7 Responses Feb 15, 2010

Call me a curmudgeon, Ginny but: Get beyond the sex thing. If, indeed, it;'s true that you and your husband are happy in every other way. Hec, life has many avenues besides sexual play.<br />
Yet, I hear more anger and unhappiness beyond your anger about the sex thing. <br />
Too, maybe you are one to be easily bored and enjoy the thrill involved in an unfulfilling sexual encounter.<br />
Please ask these and many other questions of yourself with alone or with someone who has no stake in your answers. You are still young and a fundamental shift in your perception of happiness could help you greatly.

I sooooo hate to play those kinds of games..We both promised one another we would never do that but since he broke that promise first I guess I can do it too. I'll make him chase me and play it out..I despise this..I really do..Im not used to having to work at getting any man in bed. Im not sure where to start. I guess I'll just start refusing when he does want to and see where it goes..<br />
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Your right about peaking now though..I was told my mid 30's would be awesome, I just wish he could share in my passion as much as I am.. I am putting my affair on hold so I can put my full energies into this and I do love my husband and want it to work..we shall see.

Games..both sexes play them but women are much better in control of their sex drive. Men let their little head out think their big head.<br />
As for his lack of sex drive. Remember that you're peaking, he is not. But if I read your notes correct, you want quality more than quantity. Remember, unlike women, the more men don't have it, the more they want it. Each day that goes by, when I don't get it, I need it more. My passion, my aggressiveness, my desire - all go up. So hold off a little bit. <br />
I know you said you hate to play games but life is a bunch of games. You need to make him work it a little before you give it up. I want to chase, catch, and enjoy.<br />
After I found out about my wife's 4 year affair, I lost 20 #'s and started working out again. I did this to win her back. But if that didn't work, well I needed to be in great shape to get in the singles game. What I didn't realize is how this kicked up my sex drive. I feel better about myself & this in turn, drives my desires.

Well I can tell you from what many of my friends have told me that their control of sex with their partners is very much a power trip for the poor bastards. They love to see what lengths their clueless partners will go to so they can get some. Ever notice how your wife will come out of nowhere with wanting to have sex a week or two before a birthday or holiday so they can get whatever it is they want out of you? Trust me it is a well thought out maniupulation to just give enough so they get what they want and when you figure it out and tell them you know their BS thats when you get anger and hostility.. I will not tolerate that from my husband in any way shape or form..Im so close to leaving now..but holding on to hope.

who is the group aimed at? the refusers so they can learn why they hurt us or would it be aimed at us the refusees who dont understand why a person becomes a refuser...either way it would be beneficial to all parties involved.

Yes part of what makes it last 20mins is him using a toy on me after he does all he is going to do..That has gotten old too..If we didnt do "other things" sex would last 5min for both of us to reach climax and that would be it. Since the beginning we have both had very high libidos..In the beginning we could do it many times a day and both climax several times during each session. I guess my libido has just not slowed down and maybe his has..The bad thing is he refuses me even when its been awhile and I see him clearly getting turned on..That is what I wont tolerate or him being standoffish so he wont get turned on in the first place..Again I have no idea what to think and the rejection is too much to bear..Thanks for the insight though. I did learn why he dosnt like it multiple times in one session. That explains a lot there.

Wow, I would love to have sex four times a week with my wife. With that said, the same old 20 minute routine would get old. Have you guys tried "toys" to extend your enjoyment? Maybe he could watch you pleasing yourself.<br />
Getting aroused and coming are a BIG difference. It is not easy for guys to go back to back without the use of pills. And even then, after two or three times, it starts to hurt. When I was in my 30's, and really turned on, no problem. Now, not so much.<br />
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I am also looking for more passion in my relationship. I love my wife but I need more too.<br />
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Good Luck. Let me know how it turns out