Affair Turning Into More

Hello there. Let me share my story. I would love replies with insight, advice, comments etc.  I am involved with a very amazing man.  He loves me so much and I love him more than words can describe. He makes me feel so alive, so sexy, so loved and wanted isnt that the reason most of of have affairs? I feel this man is my best friend and soulmate we have a connection like i've never had with any man in my life.  He understands me, he treats me with the utmost respect, he fulfills me in everway imaginable. I love him so deeply and he loves me just as much. We try to spend as much time as we can together when time permits.  My husband is aware of the affair....I couldnt lie anymore and I just admitted it to him one day. He is hurt, he is lonely he is scared of losing me and our family. He says he still loves me more than ever and doesn't want our marriage to end. The passion is gone from our marriage and has been for quite some time. We no longer share a bed, we argue quite a bit. I feel no physical connnection to him at all. I feel terribly guilty for this but in all honesty I just dont think I can get those feelings back i've tried it just hasn't worked.  My affair partner and I are talking about a future together, renting our own place and then when finances sort out eventually buying a home together. I have no idea how all tihs will play out with my children, I have two of them he has no children.  How do I tell them that mom and dad are separating, their whole world will come crashing down. but do i sacrifice my own happiness for theirs? is that the right thing to do? Give up a love that if you are lucky you find once in a lifetime. My affair partner makes me happier than i have ever been. I love him on every level and cannot imagine waking up to him not in my life.  I don't want to hurt my husband all he wants is our family in tact, he cries every single day. I feel like a monster for what I am doing. Do I stay in a marriage that is making me miserable and sacrifice a lifetime of happiness with my new found love? Or do I leave and devistate my children and husband? Husband makes me feel guilty almost everyday for what im doing but he does understand what has thrown me into the arms of another man. he feels so rejected and so lonely. Am I a monster? How do I move forward? how do i get past all the hurt i am causing and about to cause? Its so bad that I have been taking prescription anxiety medication in conjunction with alcohol just to cope with my daily life and numb the pain at home. The last thing I need is to become dependant on this stuff and land myself in rehab. Things are a bloody mess. I just miss my affair partner so much and want my life with him but on the other hand I don't want to wreak havoc in the lives of my husband and children. I am really stuck between a rock and a hard place. At times I have even thought about just ending my own life but thats just me being stupid and grasping when im at a really low point. I would never do that to my loved ones. Anyone here has any advise or comments or can shed some light i'd be ever so grateful. Thank you for reading

irisheyesseemysoul irisheyesseemysoul
36-40, F
9 Responses Mar 6, 2010

My parents are going through a divorce now, mainly because my dad cheated on my mom. Its not the same case at all, because he doesn't love the other woman/women (I'm not sure of the details, just that it happened a lot) and it really does suck and this is the worst time of my life because of it.
Plot Twist
Things would have been much better if they had split up years ago when the marriage first started losing whatever it is marriages are supposed to have. There wouldn't be as much built up resentment. As the EXTREMELY IMPORTANT third party (Your Child) I would say it is honestly the best if you leave and be with this man. It will be awful at first, but hopefully life for you and your family will regain some kind of normalcy after a while. Its worth it.

Bestpla<x>yer, first, surely you jest.......you think somehow that cheating on your girlfrend is akin to what flowersinherhair is going through?<br />
Please.........<br />
Second, I’m sure one would not have to be a liar to say that lying is wrong.
Nor does it make a man a stud if he says he’s slept with 20,000 women as some say Wilt Chamberlain claimed.<br />
My point was, there is a whole lot that someone on the outside looking in will never understand, thus my words to you, “Or are you just a self righteous *******?<br />
Trying to speak about things that you don't have the slightest insight in?”<br />
<br />
Third, you make my point for me about being a “self righteous *******”.<br />
Seriously though, I shouldn’t have referred to you as an *******, I’m sorry.<br />
The “self righteous” part sticks though when you said, “ Besides that I dont think u have to actually be a liar to say lying is wrong .”<br />
That is exactly where my beef with you comes from, who the hell are you to tell anyone that lying, cheating, stealing or even having an affair is wrong?<br />
<br />
The hell that flowersinherhair seems to be going through is bad enough as she struggles with her guilt. <br />
She sure as hell shouldn’t have to deal with the guilt other’s put on her and yours being a prime example!<br />
<br />
Yes, you may think she’s wrong. <br />
Yes, you have a right to call it wrong.<br />
Yes, I have a right to paint you at least self righteous and possibly even a hypocrite.<br />
<br />
Here is some of your “self righteous” words. (These were cut and pasted so if they are phrased wrong or spelled incorrectly, it was you.)<br />
<br />
You said “I really dont understand the crap about ... feeling guilty , or dont want to hurt my husband..... . If u are so concerned about hurting ur partner u would not let urself become involved with someone else . This is simply sounds like trying to look like a victim to justify her actions .”<br />
NOTICE THE KEY WORDS YOU ADDED, (underlined).<br />
“ I really dont understand the crap about ... feeling guilty , or dont want to hurt my husband..... . If u are so concerned about hurting ur partner u would not let urself become involved with someone else . This is simply sounds like trying to look like a victim to justify her actions .” 
<br />
You set the groundwork for your statements “I really don’t understand”.<br />
That is exactly what I said to you.<br />
“Trying to speak about things that you don't have the slightest insight in”<br />
You went on with your self righteous words saying,<br />
“ I think u have already taken the decison of wrecking ur marraige”<br />
Then “ so leave ur kids & husband back at home to cope on their own , and u for ur lover .”<br />
While some may mistake it as being “on her side”. Can you say Sarcasm!<br />
I can accept it for what it is. Self righteous bullshit cloaked in words that may be taken by some as understanding.....but if anyone will take a quick look at your other comments on the subject of affairs they will find out how you really feel.<br />
Fourthly and lastly, you said to me, “Dont u want me to comment only what op wants to hear regardless of the truth ? I think u can do it I can not .”<br />
Well, I think you have a right to say anything you want to say.<br />
That said, you chose another wise way of showing your self righteousness.<br />
““Dont u want me to comment only what op wants to hear regardless of the truth ? “<br />
Here you take the moral high ground by insinuating that what you speak is “truth”. Yet earlier in the same comment you say, ““ I really dont understand the crap about ... feeling guilty , or dont want to hurt my husband..... “<br />
So, in a nutshell your words reek of self righteousness as you make a veiled claim of knowing the truth about affairs being wrong.<br />
Oh, and about your last phrase directed at me, “Dont u want me to comment only what op wants to hear regardless of the truth ? I think u can do it I can not .”<br />
I’m not sure I understand exactly what you were trying to say, but I think it was this.<br />
You would not tell flowersinherhair what she(your words, not her’s) wants to hear.<br />
But you think I would.<br />
If that isn’t self righteous bullshit, please tell me what it is.<br />
For the record though, I have never even thought about what she might or might not want to hear. I AM NOT INTERESTED IN BURDENING DOWN ANYONE WITH MY OWN SET OF MORALS AND BELIEFS.

SHAWNTWAIN , to answer ur question no I have never been cheated on in fact I have done the same things op is doing only I was not married to my girlfriend . Besides that I dont think u have to actually be a liar to say lying is wrong . <br />
<br />
Now can u tell me where in my comments u see I am being self-righteous or said she should stay in her marriage ? In fact I suggested that if she feels so deeply in love with her lover & she has told her husband about her feelings for her lover , she should leave her husband as soon as possible rather than keep dragging him & then leave . I really dont understand the crap about ... feeling guilty , or dont want to hurt my husband..... . If u are so concerned about hurting ur partner u would not let urself become involved with someone else . This is simply sounds like trying to look like a victim to justify her actions . <br />
Dont u want me to comment only what op wants to hear regardless of the truth ? I think u can do it I can not .

flowersinherhair, it really doesn't matter how long the affair has been going on, or how long she's been married or how old her children are. No matter what her answers are, some will condemn her and some will, as myself tell her life is too short to not be with the one who makes you happy.<br />
I think the real question ought be, have you had someone cheat on you?<br />
Not that you were actually condemning her but there were no words of support.<br />
I know from being on both sides of an affair there is a hell of a lot more involved than a few simple questions. Sometimes things have been simmering for years and just never got taken care of.<br />
<br />
BestPla<x>yer, I've noticed your comments on a few different experiences about affairs.<br />
Can I assume that you've been cheated on?<br />
Or are you just a self righteous *******?<br />
Trying to speak about things that you don't have the slightest insight in?<br />
Or am I just simply being too harsh on you?<br />
You seem so unhappy over others who are having an affair........<br />
<br />
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST!<br />
<br />
irisheyesseemysoul, it's your life girl!<br />
Till these people have slept in your bed, stood by you in the bad times as well as good times in your marriage.........and until they can feel exactly how you feel about your husband, children, marriage and your lover.......then who they hell are they to try and say you should do this or that?<br />
<br />
Be happy!<br />
I stayed in a loveless, sexless marriage for many years too long before I got a divorce, because of what people might say or think.

chocciebean , i agree kids really understand what is going on more than we think .<br />
<br />
btw why do u think it is a difficult decison for op to make when she already said she has no feelings or attraction for her husband & she is deeply in love with her affair partner & can't imagine her life without him ? I think op knows what she wants to do so there is no point in delaying it and making her husband more miserable . I think decison is already made once u start an affair , because it will start only getting more intense from there. until u can't stop it .

Children see way more than you think, you know. Perhaps it would be better for them to see a happy and fulfilling relationship as they grow up, than to see their mom unhappy and clinging to the wreckage for their sakes? Difficult decisions though - I wish you luck xx

Wow...I feel you! Almost my situation, except my lover and I have no expectations with our affair. I do not expect him to leave his family and he does not expect me to leave mine. My husband pushed me into the arms of my lover (an old flame). We are working on repairing our marriage...and the affair has/is actually saving our marriage...as long as my husband focuses on us and not my lover (which is a long distance affair as we live an ocean apart).<br />
<br />
You have to make the decision that is best for YOU! Your children and husband will thank you for it later if they can not now. Unhappiness will make you angry and already you are on the verge of addiction, which is only a spiral downward! Remember...nothing good comes out of feelings of anger, which will come as long as you stay unhappy. <br />
<br />
And lastly...do not let society dictate your life. Relationships were not meant to last all the time...some do and some don't. Do not feel pressure. Relationships are in our lives at the time that we need them, and some times they run their course.<br />
<br />
I hope this makes some sense and helps (even if only a little). I wish you light, clarity, and peace in making your decision and whatever decision you come to.

I dont know how u say that u dont want to hurt ur husband ? I think u have already taken the decison of wrecking ur marraige & ur husband already knows about the affair , so rather than continue torturing ur husband , tell him that u r not attracted to him , u feel no love for him and u can't live without ur lover now . so leave ur kids & husband back at home to cope on their own , and u for ur lover .

How long have you been having this affair? How long have you been married? How old are your children?