We Are Both Married, But This Works.

There's something very comfortable about having an affair with a true friend. I've known my MM for over 30 years, we (my husband, him and me) were all at school together in the same group and MM and I had a one day fling, prompted by a dare, before I was married. For me it was the last chance I'd get before staying faithful to my husband for ever (or so I thought at the time) and having only slept with one other guy before, it was an experience I didn't want to miss. What I didn't know at the time was that it was MMs first time! I assumed he'd played the field a bit by that stage. My fiance knew about it, we actually asked his permission, so all above board at the time! However after the fact, fiance wasn't as comfortable with it as he thought he'd be, so it has stayed a sore point all our married life and made it very difficult to just be friends with MM.

After losing contact with MM for about 10 years, 6 months ago we hooked up through mutual friends on facebook. By now he had been married 20 years and had 2 kids, I'd been married 29 years and had 4 kids. Mine are all grown now and left home, his are still at school. We started chatting on FB and quickly the topic of conversation turned to our afternoon together. We both had very fond memories of that day and have both always "celebrated" our anniversary in thought, so it was nice for me to know that he still held feelings for me. Imagine how I felt when he told me that I had been his first! It was the most amazing ego boost an old girl could get, as he told me that I set the benchmark for all his other partners. WOW!! I started looking forward to talking with him on FB, everytime he came on, we'd spend hours chatting!

Yes, that lead to teasing, more inuendo than was appropriate and I started relaxing about the whole "sexting" thing. It went on for months, getting more and more graffic and more serious until one afternoon we just decided to hook up and do it for real. We live 100s of kms apart, so arranging a rendevous took a huge amount of planning, but boy! was it worth it! We had the most amazing 12 hours together, I've NEVER had sex so good, so often and *** like that! We agreed at the time that this would only happen once, but since talking to eachother, we realise that we both want more, so if and when it is possible to arrange, we will see eachother again and repeat that wonderful evening.

Now to explain why we both let this happen. He is in a loveless marriage. She stopped any intimacy over 7 years ago and he accepted this as part of his "lot" and has stayed for his children and his loyalty to a wife he feels won't be able to cope on her own. He never considered divorce as an answer as he feels its his duty to stay and live with the decisions he's made. His only affectionate attention comes from his children, she turns away from him and won't let him touch her. I know this is true, during the night as he slept, I touched his arm and he flinched so severely, it made me cry! Then along comes me, giving him that attention he realised he was craving and all his affection for me came flooding back.

For me, well I don't have such a good excuse. I'm married to a wonderful man, my true soul mate and nothing in this world could stop me from loving him, but that's not to say we don't have our problems. I've suffered from illness and injury for many years now, taking me from fit, trim and fantastic to old, fat and mildly disabled, so my self esteem was at an all time low. My husband is 25kgs overweight as well, so I can't say that our sex life is anything extraordinary. In fact, at times its downright boring. At our age (yes, I am nearly a grandmother), you just get used to things not happening and you are resigned to that being your lot in life from now on. However, last year I started losing weight, getting fit and redesigning "me"! My self esteem grew and I learned to love myself again. My husband and I even went to marriage councelling to address a few of the major issues we had and that set us on a good path again. So I was in a good place when I met up with MM again, but my sex life was getting worse. Husband hasn't done much to address his weight or fitness levels and now his functioning in bed is severely compromised, sometimes nothing happens at all.

Now, because my sexual experience has been limited to 3 guys who were all virgins, I have had an idea that there had to be more to intercourse but have never had the opportunity to know just what I've been missing, until now. Intercourse has always left me hanging, I've always felt there needed to be more as just as its getting really good for me, he's stimulated too much and then its over. He gives me great **** "O"s, not complaining there and he's a very considerate lover, but not well endowed and not got much staying power. The most often we've ever made love in a night is 3 times, and that was when we were much younger.

Enter into the picture MM, (who I already know is HUNG!) bragging about his capabilities, graffically describing what we wants to do to me and promising the most amazing sex, g-spot "O"s, the lot! Still self concious about my weight and appearance, he tells me it doesn't matter, just what I needed to hear. It really didn't take long for me to decide that this was an opportunity not to be missed. A nice side effect of chatting to MM was the incredible increase in my libido, so husband got the benefits of having a super horny wife, which he enjoyed as often as he could. However, his efforts only made me more determined to see if MMs capabilities could live up to his bragging. I needed soo much more.

What can I say, he didn't disappoint! I had the most incredible night, we did it 8 or 9 times, I came 2, 3 times every time, the bed was soaked! Never in my life have I had sex like that! Is it any wonder I would revisit that experience at every opportunity?

Being good friends and being very aware of our situations, we easily sat at breakfast the next morning, discussing our spouses, children, jobs etc. There is absolutely no jealousy, no demands, expectations or plans. I have no intention of ever leaving my husband, with him I have a history, a family and someone how loves me completely. MM won't leave his children, his job needs him to stay where he is and he choses to support his wife regardless. There's no question that what we have together is based more on mutual satisfaction than love. We do "love" eachother, as close friends do, but we are both very realistic about what that means. Maybe its because of our age that we can be mature about how we feel and what we both want. I know that leaving my husband for this man would be a mistake. The sex we have together will be a fleeting thing and not the basis of a long lasting relationship, so we will enjoy it if and when we are capable of doing so.

We go to the doctor if we feel sick, the physio to help us walk, a resturant to get better food than at home, the gym to get fit, why not a friend to have great sex! Keeping it real and sensible is the key. Not getting caught up in the fantasy of a fling, just enjoying it for what it is. That's not to say I don't look for his green light going on on FB, I always have the computer on just in case. I miss him if he doesn't come on and I know he checks regularily to see if I'm on too. It's cute and fun and exciting!

So, my advice to anyone facing the same decision, if you can keep perspective, don't let this affair ruin your life and your marriage but you can gain enormous benefits from it, then do as I have done and go for it! Enjoy it for what it is, appreciate that it won't last and that you don't have to fall in love and leave your husband or wife, bring what you learn about yourself to your marriage bed and improve what you can there.

Life is short, enjoy it fully. It's the only one you will have.
GT4me GT4me
51-55
14 Responses Jan 12, 2013

Nice share. I appreciated the honesty. i feel exactly the same about this kind of thing. Life isn't a dress rehearsal. Eventually, IF we live long enough, we grow OLD...and not particularly SEXY. So...use it or lose it.

I'm not trying to sound petty, but -
it sounds like to a few of you, LOVE and SOULMATE are an isolated title that exists in your own mind, unrelated to your husband, who does not REALLY know you,
The real test would be to mutually open the marriage and
THAT is when you can CONTINUE to call your H a soulmate.

I have had similar physical issues with my chronically ill husband, yet for decades I was exclusive with him, regardless of the state of his prowess, because we were living in our own soulmate bubble.

Then, it burst.

We had some serious life problems and we found ourselves not agreeing on solutions.
I met my MM at that exact point in time and was quite shocked at my own infatuated state. I thought he was an escape of sorts.
I started questioning the validity of my marriage, and I am still questioning it, because MY CONDUCT indicates that I dropped off the SOULMATE CLOUD when I started this affair.... because if my H finds out, either i will have to end my affair OR my marriage... and I still don't know which one it will be... (even though to you, it so clear...)

I was not seeking revenge, I felt it was my own business...
I WAS AWARE that I had been disappointed by my H and felt I deserved to take care of myself with my lover, selfishly....
My H definitely reaped some benefits from my satisfaction, when the affair started years ago. He instantly felt the change in me, as I was transmitting sexual satisfaction, confidence and a joyful energy.
I had a lot of fun while this stage lasted. Then we started thinking about leaving, being together and stopped having sex with our spouses.
My lover's wife found out, and subsequently we have been apart, back on, off etc etc (read my stories)
We just cannot live life without each other but have a lot of obligations too.
I suppose it could get to be a part of your life you just can't give up on.
Maybe MM is my true love or soulmate....

To be married 25+ odd years, with a love affair on the side, lying by omission..... I feel the term SOULMATE to be "slightly" desecrated at this point....
Maybe it would be more accurate to say - I have a family, I want to become grandparents together , without ruining all the hard work I have put into my marriage and family, the only way I can come to terms with life with H, who is not really a perfect fit for me, is by having an affair.
Forgive me, this is not judgment or a semantics competition... I feel strongly that because I am not honoring my vows, I am a liar and a cheat. If I were single, I would have my integrity again.
Help!! there goes my sanity (again)

Marmelade, I completely understand your point and that is why I told my story to this forum, to talk to people like you who are further down this path than me and have a much longer experience at having a lover, than me. I can be idealistic at this point in time, because it's so new and my marriage is otherwise very good. I have no idea how different I would feel 4 or 5 years later, if I continue with this relationship with MM.
Yes, I feel guilty about not being true to my vows, I am a liar and a cheat too and I know that MM feels the same way. We have justified what we're doing to eachother and to ourselves, knowing that no matter what the excuse, it's still morally wrong. Maybe that guilt and knowlege will eventually force us to stop this, but maybe now that it's real and not just a teasing idea, it's too late to go back so we may as well enjoy what we can, while we can! I don't know!! That's why I welcome discussion about this with people who are experiencing the same thing.
Given that my only issue with my husband is the lack of total sexual satisfaction, I cannot see any reason to leave my marriage. This stage of my sexual life will be so short in comparison to the rest of my life, it's not worth losing all of that, or the future yet to be. Yes, I am also looking forward to having grandchildren, attending my children's major events and just simply growing old with my husband. He's the only person I want to do all those things with. And I will accept whatever shortcomings or restrictions that will bring, once I am old enough to reconcile those losses. In the meantime, I want to satisfy my needs while I'm still capable of doing so. I have dedicated the last 30 years of my life to being a good wife and mother, I have gone without for my family and I spend hours and hours for charity and community. There comes a time in your life when you just have to do for yourself as well.
That's my justification and I'm sticking to it. Although I know it would absolutely crush my husband to find out what I've done and it would probably mean the end of my marriage, I chose that path of action regardless. Why? Because I didn't want to go through my entire life never really understanding or experiencing my sexual potential. It's not done to disrespect my husband or my marriage, its not done because I'm madly in love with someone else, its done because that's what I need to do for myself. Some people take up bungee jumping or skydiving, I chose sex!

I've been having sex with a mm since I was 15! I'm now 29 and obv he wasn't always married but he's always been having sex with me and his current gf or wife! He has a family, I have a family we have separate lives but here we are! I love my partner and my mm but I am only I love with my partner! I'm attracted to my mm and care about him millions but not a chance in hell would I ever jeopordise what I have at home for a good seeing to in a car park! It can be done without falling in love with them you just need to remember if you do make a relationship out of an affair you will end up the wife sitting at home whilst your husband is pumping another woman behind your back! I love our relationship! Total honesty! He meets me because he can and not because he owes me anything! Plus he's hung link a horse and the sex is hot lol

Enjoy dear G... it really sounds like you have found the perfect balance.

I fell head over heals for my MM, and the fabulous sex and his perfect anatomy { ;) }, coupled with our hunger to share, discuss, advise and plainly marvel at our deepening friendship - helped none...
From the start there was a spiritual like bond. It was crazy and compulsive, as the chemicals dictated much more physical contact than we could manage, what with each having a full family life, anchored in our own social circles. We discussed it at length, respected each other's priorities and took it as a 'once in a lifetime' gift (still do..) that will take it's course. We had our share of reckless risk taking, born out of sheer desperation to be with each other, it was a real fire.
I will never be sorry about it, come what may... I believe a story this passionately overwhelming, at this time of my life, with our combined experience and knowledge, is a life altering culmination. The universe does not make mistakes... I feel there is a larger truth I am learning from this, I just hope its not going to be that I will be sorry I didn't end it (or my marriage) sooner.
I don't want to be a cautionary tale... I have had so much magical fun laced in pure erotic discovery with this man, that I would wish it on any person who is wondering "is this all there is to life?".
Sometimes I DO hear a very faint voice saying, I wish it never happened, as I was quite content with my choices and my life, before. I was innocent and simple and maybe I shouldn't have tampered with that... maybe some whims and passions should remain solely in our imagination. This is a dangerous mind game, a forbidden fruit. Rightly so.
I don't know how to sever this formidable, passionate and loving relationship and carry on with my H, friend, partner, father of my children... my whole thought process is entwined and entangled in two men, very different from each other.

I must say, I think my H would forgive me, I think he has suspected for a long time, and thought I would get over it. I am so tempted to confess it all... nuts, I know, but at least that would end this rollercoaster ride once and for all... and I can be in one place again, body and soul.
But for now, I carry on, divert my energies logically, direct my kids gently and hope that when the last one leaves for college, I will make the right decision.
I AM willing to pay for my folly, It is/was worth it for my soul, even if it won't end in an everafter.
I'm so glad you're here to discuss this.
:))))

.

GT, Thank you for the well articulated story. You are correct,sometimes an affair is all you need to enhance your life. I have been in my relationship for over 4 years and things have never been better.

Hey there marmelade,
I've read your other posts, as well as your response to my story and I feel for you and what you are going through. I appreciate how hard it is for you to face what is happening, what you need to do for yourself and how his attitude is affecting you.
Stay true to yourself! That's the best advice I can give you.
Everyone's marriages are different. It is a social structure that we expect and for most people, it is all they need, totally fulfilling and satisfying or something they resolve to live with. For women like us, we need more than we can get in our marriage, for whatever reasons, afterall, we are only human.
My MM only yesterday, was questioning what we are doing and how damaging it could be. He is watching a friend go through a rather difficult separation and couldn't help but see the parallels. So, I get rather serious messages and musings, leading me to panic about our future and what I was doing to him, tearing him down without meaning to. We talked about it and reassured eachother that there are no demands on eachother, that we would not come between eachother's spouses and that any emotional ties we feel together are kept in check. He feels guilty that the last time we saw eachother, he was just using me for sexual relief and was "hurting" me emotionally. I reassured him that I didn't feel that he had, infact I was using him the same way and he was very relieved to hear me say that.
I know we could both, very easily, fall in love with eachother and let this affair overwhelm us, but neither of us want that to happen. God bless him, MM is doing everything he can to not hurt me in any way and that makes him a saint in my eyes!
This morning it was Valentines Day and he sent me a lovely message, ending up in this deep and meaningful discussion and it was lovely. Just to know I was in his thoughts in such a nice way is more than enough!
This is how we are dealing with our relationship. I have no idea how either of us would cope if it developed past this point. I guess if we are still doing this after a few years, we may start to feel different, I don't really know. The heart can be a deceptive bugger, leading us into all sorts of stupid crap.
Don't let anyone make you do something, or put up with a situation you don't want! Your M is leading you on, he wants you to love him but he won't leave his wife and lets her hold him by the short and curlies! Please put yourself first. If it feels wrong, it is. The decision to finish it is as hard, if not harder, than the decision to start it. Take what you can from the relationship you've had that has improved how you feel about yourself, your capabilities and your needs. I know how MM has made me feel, the amazing difference in my opinion about myself. You must feel the same. But amazing sex isn't worth it if the relationship is bringing you down. You are worth more than that!!
Take heart, marmelade, you are a wonderful human being who had the courage to find out who she is, what she wanted and needed and still support all of those around her! Hold that close to your heart, my sister! <3

OMG...
my sister indeed !!

I'm internalizing what you wrote so aptly. Of course I know all of that, but it feels amazing to hear it from you, lol.
My BF/MM and I have the same easy relationship, where we realize we respect each other's choices and are grateful for the empowerment we have provided for each other in our respective marriages and, funnily enough, even in the chances we are taking in our careers..
I have a very supportive H but my lover is my passion and excitement..
I'm scared to loose him completely, so maybe it's taking it's own course, until we see ea/o once a year and that will suffice....??!!
I'm so 'scared' to loose him completely.... :(( he is such a rennaissance man - had i known he was on this earth - i would have searched for him until i found him.. I have loved before, but when I married, I wanted a calm and peaceful existence, with a relationship that was not extreme in passion. How crazy was I?

Me and my mm have been a year or 2 apart due to pregnancies etc and we always hook up right where we left off! I've been having sex with him at every opportunity for the last 15 years! We were in school together and I've known him my whole life! I love our relationship just the way it is! No ties to commitment just sex! I care about him and talk to him most days but we are nothing more than good friends! Also I know this post is ancient I've just never known anyone else going threw anything similar! And want to unload haha! Our relationship is totally private! People wonder you can see it when we are in the same place or chatting in the supermarket but no one knows! My partner hates him and his wife me but they don't know for sure lol!

Put it this way, when we were young and idealistic, we thought we knew what we wanted, we had all the answers and none of the life experience to make a proper judgement. There again, the partners we chose were what we needed at that time. It's not crazy, it's unrealistic to expect that our needs, ideas and interests won't change! At our age we are looking at facing actually getting old, not just something that will happen "one day", its much closer to that now. So for me, I needed to experience things that I had never done and knew I never would in my current situation. But I have no intention of losing what I have got, I've spent 30 years developing and living this life, it's too significant to walk away from and why would I? I love my husband and he loves me and I never want that to change. But I also need what MM can give me, even though it will, physically, be very infrequent. Our discussions on fb are wonderful, they do an amazing job of boosting my ego, I love knowing that he's on as well and I look forward to talking to him. I give him someone to talk to, we both off load our problems and support eachother and we laugh, joke, tease and excite. I'd hate to lose that as well, more so that our physical relationship, to be honest!
I am also amazed at the sex we have! I would give anything to be able to enjoy sex like that frequently, imagining what it would be like to be married to someone that capable and satisfying! I have no idea why his wife has decided to reject him like that! She started off just as keen but years later, not interested in any physical contact at all! You'd think that if it was too intense they would have changed tecniques, not disconnected completely, but then we all have our own reasons for our decisions.

I really identify with what you're expressing.
AND
I enjoy discussing this subject in depth. I have been through individual, family and couple therapy since my crisis began, a few years ago, and I know that whatever decision I take, it will be the right one, I will never leave my marriage for someone else, it's just not how it works for me...
When I met my MM, I felt in my core, that I could not pass up this 'event'.
This human being, who is so different to me outwardly, yet we share and bare our souls with ea/o and express our love in an electrifying way, still now, after a few years have passed.
BUT
Now that Love has altered me, back to the hopeful and creative human being I was before the crisis in my marriage hit me, i'm wondering if I am just holding on to this 'forbidden' relationship coz I'm scared of "only" having my H, who, all those years ago before I met MM, acted in a way that drove me away..
OR
I could be postponing something.
There's a book by Gail Sheehy 'Sex and the Seasoned Woman' that sort of explains this "syndrome" in the chapter called 'the romantic renaissance' that I find myself identifying with, because we are both married and it's just so/too complicated to unwind a whole life history and kids and finances etc etc ad nauseam.. so basically it advises one to channel that energy towards your career/passion, as it is seen psychologically as a postponement of the maturation process in mid life.
Phew..! I hope I'm not boring you :)
I don't know you, but based on myself and a couple of friends' stories, I caution you about the fact that you claim you are not in love with your MM...
You can call it whatever you want but the attachment gets deeper with every second of this incredibly intimate relationship. As humans we place such a high value on love, that we have created a whole set of moral codes - culminating in religions in order to take our minds off the fact that our primary relationship sometimes falls short of what we yearn for....
Hope you will write soon xo

I get what you are saying and appreciate the caution! Yes, there is an element of love between me and MM, it comes from not only what we currently share, but having been good friends for most of our lives. And at times, we have both let our emotions carry us further than we should have let them. However, I have a good, solid and loving relationship with my husband so am not looking for that with MM. That makes it easier for me to keep perspective and not allow myself to get caught up in the emotion. Yes, it would be easy to do but it would complicate this too much and if that happened, I would have to end it. I'm not sure exactly how deep MM's feelings go for me, given that he does not get that validation with his wife but I know he works hard at keeping a lid on it. He is also very concerned about "using" and emotionally hurting me, which I assure him that he is not doing, I think female concern and caring confuses him because he's not used to receiving it anymore and doesn't know how to interpret it. Still, we make the most of the opportunities put in front of us. The last thing I want to do is hurt him too and we have been very open with eachother about what we both expect and want to get out of our relationship, and the emotional boundaries, so as long as we continue that dialogue, as time goes by, the better we will manage it.
My marriage only falls short in bed, in a way that will not, and never can, improve, that's where MM relaces what I miss out on there. Without MM's attention, I would not look for it anywhere else, it is only because it's him that I go there. Because I do love him, can trust him not to hurt or shame me, because I've known him for most of our lives and because we'd shared our bodies 30 years ago, I can willingly be with him and share my needs. The same goes for him. He had no intention of being unfaithful to his wife before we started talking and without me willing to be available, he still wouldn't be. Occassionally he has mentioned a 5 year period, after which he would be retiring from his current job, so would be free to move, and his kids would be grown and left home. Perhaps he would consider a proper relationship with me if by then we would both be willing to leave our spouses and get together. I have told him that leaving my husband would not be my agenda, so have not at all led him on, making him hope that this would be our future. I think it was more his way of justifying why he isn't available now or willing to leave his wife, etc. I've never insinuated that I expect him to and have always reassured him that I am in this relationship with him with my eyes wide open, no expectations or demands and if we can't get together when the suggestion is made, it's not make or break! Given how difficult it is for us to plan seeing eachother, this is far from a frequent, torrid affair!! 2 nights in 3 months is hardly all that often! We'd both love to have it happen more often, but it's not possible without risking being found out or losing our jobs, not to mention the cost!
So it is what it is and often chatting on fb, knowing someone is out there thinking of you, needing your attention and getting it from them, being teased and sexually validated and flattered, is usually enough. If and when we can actually do that in person, we will make the most of it. Believe me!!! :)

I too was tempted to carry on seeing my MM for the last (nearly) six years, because of my H limited physical capability. For 22 years, I wasn't open to any of this, I focused on all the positives and was busy with children etc, but then my marriage hit an extremely low point , with problems hitting us from all directions, raising questions about our life friendship and equal partnership.
H has always been quite a supportive, loving and on the main, a gentle man.
Affairs seemed like a very foreign concept to me...

My affair began as an attraction and strong infatuation, where we would see each other once a week for 3 years, for a whole day, or more.
Then MM started having demands on me to be true to only him... he wanted to end his marriage and be with me.
He was shocked that I still had a physical relationship (albeit rare) with my H, as he was not with his wife, for some time, and the discussion went to us leaving our marriages and 'dating' each other exclusively in the future.
His wife became suspicious, found us out and he left me to work on his marriage for a few weeks.
As heartbroken as I was, I accepted it all, as I wasn't in a position to end my marriage immediately, my children being younger than his and a financial situation to boot, not to mention my doubts that this is the right course of actions viv a vis my family...
It changed me, I felt so sad and missed him so much that I couldn't be intimate with my H any more. I stood alone.

Presently, I am working on it, trying to get a better perspective on my life, focusing on my family and career, enjoying him in person when he can get away, trying to have clearer boundaries.
That is why I am so happy to have come across your posts.. you are acutely aware of yourself and your boundaries and are inspiring me to see how fortunate I really am to have such a fantastic relationship, with this marvelous man, who loves me like I love him, and find ways of integrating him and accepting him, maybe without loosing our long standing marriages..
Ideally, when his wife found out, I would have stopped seeing him altogether BUT he was the one who persistently persuaded me that we shouldn't loose ea/o altogether... so here I am...
I take one day at a time, i do not think about the future, for now, I am really changing into a more independent woman and time will tell where all this will lead me to.

It's not easy to just walk away from MM, this is so much more than just sex. We meet to have long lunch conversations, we talk on the phone for hours, text every time of day and are probably the closest we could ever wish to be with another human being.
I'm feeling stronger, like I am not falling apart any longer if I don't meet with him for a few weeks.
Discussing this topic here, realizing that I am not the only one with this dilemma, makes it easier to bear.
Just sayin'... :)

Hey marmelade, if my posts do anything to help you make decisions, cope and appreciate your situation, I am honoured to be of support! I meant for my posts to open the discussion on these types of affairs, naturally having never had an affair before, i wanted to know what other women, and men, thought of mine and MM's reasoning for going there. Not to seek approval, but to know that the way we decided to do this was possible. If I had lots of posts saying that they started out this way but all went horribly wrong, then I would be prepared to end it when I saw the warning signs. But I am encouraged that others have been able to continue their affairs successfully and it helps me be more comfortable with what I am doing.
I love the way we can all support eachother this way and tell someone what is going on when it's obviously impossible to do it openly.
Cheers! XXX

4 More Responses

I really liked reading your story and wish I could have the same outlook on my marriage, affair and life.
I'm sending you some of my musings.
:)
If I didn't know better, I would think you a cynic, as I DO think with age we get a different perspective on relationships and marriage.
Maybe some marriages have expiration dates.. 20? 30 years?
Marriage is the heart of our social structure, as humans, no wonder it's such a taboo to have an affair..
Thats why so many people are offended by affairs.
Surely, it's only natural to have a physical relationship with whomever you choose.. I mean, what's the big deal? right?! Especially at our age..

Some problems DO affect the very fragile nature of intimacy between two people, and it happened to me in my marriage.
I can't declare my H as my 'soulmate' but he is the father of my children and he is a good man.
For years he had been undermining my abilities as a parent and partner.
The situation devolved to a life and death crisis. We couldn't see eye to eye, or make any joint decisions. We argued a lot and I arrived at the conclusion that I had made a fundamental mistake by marrying him 22 years earlier.... I was disappointed with myself.

As if on cue, MM appeared out of the blue, and I was mesmerized.
It filled a need for closeness in me, an easy and simple friendship that I had never reached with my H. And yes, the sex was great.
Maybe I chose to divert myself from the problems, as this affair has lasted through the crisis, through couple and family therapies, and we are still married. Maybe the affair has saved my marriage?

I have a strained but comfortable friendship with my H, at this point,... but I can't end my affair... I tried a few times and we both can't do it.

Is my personality the issue ?? making me believe I am in love with MM to justify my infidelity? Does it just sound better to me to be in love than bored or sex crazed.....?!
My staying in my marriage means my family is my top priority, but not enough to sacrifice my needs?
We both have families, history, responsibilities, jobs, finances and whatnot as 'excuses' for not leaving. It's not like we're starting a new family together, and the fallout would destroy our existing ones. I want to believe in marriage. I did for 22 years.
Guilt over being unfaithful and hurting another is really a downer for me.
I'm considering separation and ending my marriage just to be able to feel like an honest person again.
I'm basically in a similar story to you, but see the cup as half empty.....
What do you think?

Hi
I found it very useful to hear your story. Thank you for sharing. I'm in a similar situation.

Hi silvergirl,
Thanks for your response. It is great to hear from people in similar situations. There are a lot of us who need to talk about what we are doing and why. Cheers!

Sammy7000 you are truly a mean person. You may not agree with GT4ME, I understand that...and you certainly have a right to your opinion, but to wish ill will and hurt an any person is downright evil! She has made her decision, be it right or wrong. You can point out what you see is the falacy in her actions, and point out the consequences if they get caught, but to actually hope for a family to be destroyed is shameful. Your hateful wishes are far worse than anything GT4ME might be doing!

Thank you Alex77019, these sorts of opinions are not constructive and contradictory to the spirit of this forum. I appreciate your attitude.
I am not asking for acceptance or understanding, more interested in seeing how other people in my situation handle theirs. Funny enough, Sammy7000 is having an affair too, but when you don't love your wife, it seems that it's ok! Double standards if you ask me, given his retort about MM's wife finding out too!

Well, GT....I am in the same circumstance as you....I know, in the real sense, it is wrong. But, I do love my wife....she no longer has any desire. So I have 3 choices....1: Divorce her....I wont do that...I love her, she has been a good wife and a good mother and a good friend. 2: Insist she has sex with me, which is cruel if she gains no pleasure by it, and even has pain from it. 3: Engage in a relationship with a woman in the same situation, loves her husband, but has no sex life at home....our priorities are family....if we can get some pleasure on occassion, it helps my mental outlook, her mental outlook, and makes us actually better mates at home because we dont have all the pent up hostilities caused by sexual frustration. Other's may disagree, but unless you have walked in my shoes and know exactly the circumstances of my life, your should keep your judgements to yourself. Best of luck to you GT....I hope you and he can continue with happy lives and happy families!

Cheers mate!!!!

One thing I have learned about myself, over the past 6 months, is how to have a relationship with someone that isn't demanding, expectant and emotional. With your spouse or partner you have all these things, good and bad, influencing how you deal with eachother, what you want from eachother and making compromises because you have to live with eachother. The relationship with MM is totally different. I cannot insist that he is available when I want him to be, I have to be patient, I don't need to change anything about him to suit me, I'm not responsible for him and I don't have to dwell on the daily issues in order to talk to him. I can't get angry with him for not achieving what I want him to, I don't have to care how he spends his money or what his financial problems are. And he doesn't need to worry about these things with me either. I could list more, but I'm sure you get where I am coming from. Our relationships with our partners involves everything we do, say, have, want, need. They are complicated, involved and revolve around how we are working together through problems, coping with day to day stuff, getting through our jobs, making ends meet, dealing with family issues, etc. It's a wonderful thing to share, don't get me wrong, and I wouldn't give that up for the world, but it can just wear you out! It also influences how you react to eachother in the bedroom, if you're pissed off at something or too tired to care or preoccupied with something you can't walk away from. Complacency comes into it too.
Well before I even caught up with MM again, and certainly before I had any relationship with him other than a long time friend, I used to look at affairs as something that shouldn't happen to good marriages. I'd watch a movie or talk about friends or a story I'd heard and think, if you just put the same level of effort into your marriage as you would into an affair, you would spark up your marriage and that would be everything you'd want! And maybe for marriages that have lost that spark and drive, reinventing your relationship may very well be what it needs, so when I knew that my feelings for MM were heading down that "A" path, I asked myself just that question. Do I want him because I need an easier relationship or he's more fun, less complicated? Could I do more in my marriage to provide what I think MM would, thus negating the "need" to stray?
I'm sure I've mentioned in my post and responses that my sex life with my husband was lacking in a few vital areas. Finding an incredible increase in my libido, due to just talking (sexting) to MM, I explored many possibilities in my marital bedroom, which my husband really enjoyed and appreciated, but still left me feeling, and knowing, that what I needed wasn't possible with my husband. Discussing with MM the things I knew I could achieve, he assured me that they were possible and he had the skills to ensure that I would, indeed, experience what I wanted to. He wasn't wrong!!
So, I continue to make my husband as happy as possible, I get what I can from our lovemaking and now I also know that if the time comes when I need more, I can have that too. I am a whole person for that experience, I don't have to regret my life with my husband because I would always miss out and I'm a better person for it. My new found capabilities of patience, being non-demanding and accepting have also improved my relationship with my husband, as I feel if I can exersize those traits for MM, then my husband deserves the same, if not better, consideration. So, by learning more about myself, becoming more confident in my own abilities and developing and improving relationship strategies, I am improving my marriage every day. Is that something that can be overlooked as an advantage of having an affair?
I hope not!!

Just so you know, Sammy....I will comment on anything you write anytime I want too. If you dont want comments, then keep your opinion to yourself!

I'm wondering how you will feel when your husband finds out (if you keep it up, he will find out !). I hope you post a follow-up....

I thought long and hard about how I would handle and feel about that, well before MM and I did anything. I would hate to have him find out, not because I don't want to be caught out, but my reasons for looking for fulfilment outside my marriage would hurt him so much. For him to know that I felt his contribution to our sex life was not as fulfilling as I need would totally crush his ego. If that happened, I would want to die! I've tried, in the past, to discuss these issues with him but at the end of the day, no matter what we have done, tried or changed, I have not been able to have the kind of intercourse that I had with MM, as I said in the story, the frequency, strength and resulting "O"s were mindblowing and I know my husband could never do that for me. If it hasn't happened in the 30 years I've slept with him, it ain't ever going to now!
I would gladly post a follow-up, if and when he finds out. The whole reason I posted this in the first place was to open discussion on a sensible approach to affairs that weren't unrealistic and demanding. I wanted to share my reasons for making this decision and find out from like minded people how that had worked for them. If it doesn't work out favorably for me or MM, then we will deal with that as it happens. Ideally our spouses would understand, but human nature isn't like that. Ideally MM and I wouldn't have slept together in the first place, but human nature isn't like that either.
So, to answer your question, I'd feel like total **** if my husband found out, because I'd hate to see that look of hurt and pain on his face. But on the other hand, how happy would he have been if I'd asked him for a divorce because I wanted more in the bedroom than he could offer? How would I handle his response? However he wants me to. It would be completely up to him if we stayed together or separated, I would not contest any decision he made regarding our relationship. That would be his right to decide.

Yes Sammy7000, still nothing like the real thing!

You would feel like ****?, you couldn't bear the hurt on his face? And yet you do it anyway? What happened to Love, Honor, and Obey? You are doing him a disservice - you should tell him and let him decide what to do. It will be less offensive to him in the long run. Maybe he is okay with it. He is not interested in you sexually any more? Maybe you are too old for him now and he has been wanting to hook up with some pretty young thing for years? - you just might make his day. Oh, and if he is really devoted to you and you really do break his heart like you fear, then the noble thing for you to do is leave, but let him keep all of the marital possessions. The whole thing makes me sick.

Yes john03063, I do it anyway because as an individual, an adult and a sexually functioning human, this is what I need to do, for myself, at this stage of my life.
If I knew that my husband could handle this news, I would gladly tell him but he had said he could handle MM and I having a one night stand before we married and he still can't be comfortable with it over 30 years later. In our many discussions about our sex life, I (not so jokingly) suggested I would consider an affair and the look on his face was heartbreaking. So no, there's no question of being open with him about this.
As for not being interested in me anymore, are you kidding?? The problem is more that he wants but often can't do. He is sometimes disfunctional and no, he can't take pills to help, it's caused by the medication he has to take, so our exploits are often a bit of a hit and miss affair. Not to mention the fact that it is totally different anyway to what I had with MM, my husband has never satisfied me like that, ever, in 30 years of marriage. I decided that I didn't want to get old and finish my sex life without experiencing what I hadn't ever had. That is my reason and I'm not apologising to you or anyone else for that. It was my choice, whether it's socially or morally the right one or not. I am aware of all the arguments.

MM and I live 100's of kms away from eachother, we don't see eachother very often, if fact over the past 10 years, we've only met up about 5 times, as friends and only once as lovers. This is not something that is going to happen every week, we'd be lucky to see eachother twice a year! So, apart from the company we can be for eachother over facebook, there's no raging affair going on here. Just two people with a strong friendship and a mutual need to enhance our sex lives. No, only doing it once or twice doesn't make it any more right than every night, not saying that, just putting this into perspective. I am not constantly hopping from one bed to the other!
And if my husband needed more than I could give him, as I have offered over the years, or wanted someone younger, then that would be his choice and I would understand. We have had those discussions and I know that it isn't something he wants. He is more than happy with what he gets from me.

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You are so right GT4me. I find that by actually being less frustrated....I was literally climbing the walls cause I was so ******* horny all the time. That would result in getting angry, and at times, was very intolerant. All I saw was a woman that I still desired, but she had completely rejected me. I now have a wonderful woman in exactly the same circumstance. We feed off of each other, and satisfy each other....that makes me more tolerant at home. Our home life is actually better, because I can enjoy the good things about our marriage, and not be focused on the negative.

And that's exactly why MM is in this relationship with me! His wife closed him off years ago and doesn't want any intimacy at all, so he gets nothing. He'd resigned himself to never having that again and went without for a bloody long time. Now with me, it may not be a regular or even repeated experience, but he has someone he can share his thoughts with, who doesn't judge him and who will take the time to listen. With me, he can be the sexual person he wants to be, just as he gives the same to me. So his self esteem and faith in himself as a sexual partner and as a desirable person has been reaffirmed. She's done a lot of damage, treating him that way, and it's hard for me to see that damage in such a wonderful, sharing and caring guy. I am just glad I have been able to give him as much as he has given me.

Hey OTSH....I dont know about all men, but I am 63, and I am just as obsessed, intruigued, and turned on by sex as I was at 23. The difference is I know how to enjoy it, and how to please a woman. My wife has totally lost her drive, so I go crazy, or did until I met a wonderful woman in the same situation as you and I. The sex is mind blowing....and I want more and more. We both know the priorities, dont wnat to change lives, and love our spouses...just have very real needs that arent fulfilled. Doesnt mean I dont feel guilty at times, but we are extremely careful, always error on the side of caution, never call or text without first checking by email. Doesnt make it right...but makes it bearable. Good luck in what ever you decide.

I am a male...riight there with you...10 years older, and 10 years longer married. No sex in 7 years. Finally found a woman who is in the same circumstance as you. We are so sexually compatible it is amazing. At 63, and 62 we have sex like animals in heat. it is intense, and completely uninhibited. But we also have the closeness and the intimacy. Neither of us can/want to end our marriage...but this has saved out sanity. We each knowwhat the priorities are. We both have the same outlook...life is short....ours have lacked one of the most wonderful aspects of life, so we fill our voids with each other. Good luck to you and yours....

Hey Alex77019, thanks for that! Congratulations, it's nice to talk to someone who has found the same situation worked for them too! I do think age and maturity play a big role in keeping perspective and our goals are completely different at our age. Let's face it, sex is an important part of our lives, regardless of quality, frequency, libido, capability, embarrassment, weight, etc. If one partner decides, for whatever reason, that they no longer want to or can participate or circumstances just restrict what can be achieved, then we look for what we need elsewhere, while we are still capable of doing so ourselves. There's no animosity towards our partners, we have accepted that they have their reasons. But why should that stop us from being the sexual creatures we are? MM and I are both fully mindful of the reasons why we are sharing this relationship and the benefits are more than just sexual gratification. We are both more self confident, can handle the shortfalls in our marriages as they no longer define our boundaries, have a freedom of expression we don't have with our partners and can reinvent ourselves for those short times we can get together or chat. It is very liberating, comfortable and I am learning so much about myself that I didn't know and can enjoy things I didn't know I'd like, all because I have someone who is willing to share these things and show me. What is also nice is that, as a result, I have been able to suggest to my husband that we try a few new things, which have worked very nicely and helped both of us achieve a better result when we make love. He's appreciated it and so have I.
Anyway, all I really wanted to say was thanks for your story too and the same, good luck!!

It can work...

Thankyou ivo13, that is exactly what it is!! Most of the posts I've read have been these poor girls who fall helplessly in love with a guy who will never leave his wife and they fall apart over it. That's so self destructive and naive. Have a fling for what it is and walk away knowing that is all it will ever be. Be honest with yourself.

Sammy7000, I am doing it because I love my husband and I don't want to hurt him by leaving him because he can no longer satisfy my needs. Is it better to break his heart by being honest with him, make him feel inadequate and completely ruin the past 30 years of our lives together and all we've achieved, or just quietly find the satisfaction I need elsewhere without falling in love with someone else? I don't need another husband/partner, I need sexual fulfilment. Neither MM or I want to ruin eachother's marriages or expect more from eachother than can be reasonably provided. There's no demands, no jealousy, there's complete acceptance. How many partners in an affair can say that? If they fall in love, then there's the expectation and need for marriages to be broken and partners leaving spouses for them and when that doesn't or can't happen, they are left with less than they started with. If having an affair is about self confidence and affirmation but doesn't lead to that, then you don't have much self confidence when it's all over. If it's to escape a bad marriage but doesn't lead to your partner leaving their spouse to marry you instead, then you have a bad marriage AND a bad affair.
I think what MM and I have achieved is the best possible outcome and one we are very comfortable with.

If your husband is your soul mate why thn re yo decevingthe man you love. Lfe is short yes but eternity well speaks for itself. I hd an afair 11 yrs ago and it rippd 2 families apart and am still paying the cost emotionally for the hurt and pain I caused. Please make the right decision and call it off and concentrate on your soul mate beforeyou lose him. Take care

Yes I am deceiving the man I love and he would be crushed if he found out what I had done. I truely hope he is never hurt that way, it wouldn't be fair to him. But after dedicating 30 years to my husband, my family, my community, just for once I am looking after me, even just for a short time. I've never put what I want or need as a priority, and though its a drastic and morally wrong way to do it, this is what I need at this time of my life.

Are you listening to yourself? Deceiving the man you love? He would be crushed? I truly hope? Drastic and morally wrong? and yet you have done it and plan on continuing to do it? Your concept of right and wrong is proper, but your ability to reconcile your actions with your paradigms is totally absent. You are actually proud of what you are doing...your selfishness seems to have no end. Thank you for your answer earlier today, but you still didn't address one of my suggestions - you should leave him. I'm pretty sure he will not miss you once he knows what you have done and how you feel. And I'm pretty sure the judge in the divorce court will not look favoribly on your position either...but if you're selfish enough to continue doing what you're doing, then I'm pretty sure you would never give your husband all of the assets he is entitled to after living with you for all these years...

I appreciate how strongly you feel about this John, but you have me all wrong. There would be nothing material that I would demand if we divorced, I am not that selfish. It's not material things that define who we are, it's our actions. Yes, I have committed adultery, I want to do it again and I would if the opportunity presented itself. By the same token, when my husband failed to perform last night and left us both hanging, did I ridicule him or make him feel inadequate? No, quite the opposite. He would have far bigger hangups about his capabilities if I didn't support and love him and reassure him that it didn't matter. Why it didn't matter is obvious, because I can get it elsewhere, but I do everything I can to make sure my husband is as satisfied as possible and maintains his self esteem no matter what. Leaving him is not an option, unless that is what he would want me to do. Don't judge me by your own shortcomings, please!!

No onthescrapheap, my husband isn't being selfish at all. He's just not capable of being the lover I truely need. That's not his fault, it's just a fact of life. That is why I don't resent him or want to leave him. This aspect of our lives together is only a small part and no way as important as the children we have or the home we've built together or our longterm plans when we retire, but it is something that if I don't experience while I'm still young enough to do so, I will never, and that's just not acceptable. The time will come, all too soon, when it will not be possible to see MM again that way, and I want to make the most of it while I can.

John, please don't think that all woman are the same and we are staying for the money. Many of us are highly educated with a very good income of our own.

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