Trying To Solidfy My Identity

Do you ever feel so broken, that you can't ever be repaired.  That you can't even be around the normal people, because they can spot you right away and don't have the tolerance for people like you.  They prefer relationships without all that 'drama'.

I grew up sheltered. I wasn't allowed to have friends. My mother thought she should be the only friend I have. Often when I would go to social school events, or my mom had birthday parties. She would always find something to criticize about my friends, even though she met them for under 30 minutes. How they are inferior or treated me poorly. It's hard. I get this distorted reality. Were these fellow classmates mean, and I pick people inferior because I don't want to be abandoned? Or was my mother insecure and jealous of me seeking comfort in other people.

I wasn't allowed to talk on the phone unless it was for homework. I wasn't allowed to hang out after school. I wasn't allowed to go to ball games or dances. School and home.

Now as a millennial returning back to the nest. It's hard, because old habits are creeping back. I have only two friends who I feel understand me completely. Who I can be completely honest with, who don't judge. They have that emotional intelligence. But I am that charismatic girl that a lot of people find agreeable and nice but I don't want to be friends with them. They find me so charismatic because I make efforts 60-40. No wonder they enjoy being around me. But it's exhausting to be around them. It's hard I want to be polite and great for the group of friends at the expense of myself.

I am constantly balancing my identity when maintaining relationships. I am not good with boundaries. I am an empath so I hate feeling that I hurt someone else, or made them feel negative even if it's from a silly thing. I don't rationalize why others feel what they feel, but just offer to manage their emotions. And it's exhausting as I am getting older. I need to have better boundaries.

DaugtherofNarcissism DaugtherofNarcissism
Jan 12, 2013