I Can't Show People Who I Am

I can't show people who I am.

I mean I could be talking to someone, even someone close to me, but I'll never say anything that even hints at me having any unique personality or individuality.

I just cant show any little detail, any little difference between me and them. I'm mean the millions of little differences that make up a personailty, that makes everyone unique;
Like whats funny to one person will not be funny at all to another-- one person would laugh when another would take it seriously;
Whats interesting and cool could be boring and weird to somebody else;
Whats fair and reasonable could be cruel and outrageous to someone else.

Im too afraid to show these things about myself.. I have this really bad habit of 'playing it safe'-- Say I'm talking to someone I dont really know, I'll just be super-polite and totally personality-less so theres nothing they can possibly hate. (that's what my brain seems to think anyway. I'm sure in reality they actually hate me more for being such a blank polite person that laughs at every terrible joke, and feigns interest in absolutely everything.)

I'll even sort of copy them-- if they think something is funny, i'll absolutely pretend i think it's funny too. It's like im trying to show some personailty traits, but I'm so scared of what they'll think of me that I'll just take on their persona as my own, and show that to them, so they have to like it. I can hide so far in my shell it's depressing.

I dont want to act the way I do, i hate myself and the way I'm like this. but almost everytime, it goes the same way, and it really kills me inside. It's become such a habit and I can't shake it off. No it's worse than that.
whenever I'm talking to someone, it's like I just run and hide in the back of my head and let the 'default' me run the show, with all the crappy politeness and laughing and copying. Like im barely even willing to stay conscious and endure it.

I think maybe I'm too scared I'm going to hurt them, like if i show someone im totally different and i dont like them, they'll be hurt by that.... Even though it hurts me ten times more to fabricate my persona to suit them.

It depresses me so much.. because the only thing i really want out of life, is to have strong, real relationships and friendships, where I can genuinely love the people close to me knowing they genuinely love me back, for who i really AM. But it seems like i'll never ever even come close. and that really depresses me.

For everyone else a normal relationship seems to be such a normal thing, like a necessity for life, but i feel like i'll never ever have it.

I want to change this about myself so i can be free. i work at it. and i think I do get better, slowly. But the stress and pain of it still breaks me down, and i have to let it all out like this

[ Sorry it turned out to be the longest story on earth. but I feel better just writing it. if you can understand anything out of it thats good. But i dont mind if nobody even gets to the end :) ]

always222 always222
12 Responses Mar 19, 2009

It's good to put your guard up, so you won't get torn down or hurt by anyone. But then again, it's lonely. Take chances, you'll never know.

wouldnt that right there be a personal and individual way you are dealing with your situation
? not trying to b feciciouse just pointing out something u might have missed believe me im no one to give advice i can pretty much only tell you what the bible would say but my bible once my breath of joy and sword of my spirit has become to me like a long lost friend who i miss dearly and am terrified of facing i dont know you aat all but i came on here to find council and im kind of desperate dont get me wrong im no coward woose cry baby though i do cry when i ned to but im a 31 year old man who feels like a scared 5 ear old boyi realy wish i knew what to do
and im being pulled in so many directions with relationships romantic and friends and spiritualy people think cuzz im moved by the works of my lord jesus it mean im supposed to b perfect like he is and everytime i color outside the line a littl its pointed out by everyone and documented how i made a mistake and i never asked for these expectations to b expected of me infact im the first to tell you the man diggin in the garbage for his lunch has a heart good as if not better than my own and i love everyone but it seems I always ends feeling like i threw pearls to swine i thank you lord jesus without you thered b times id have no one never to compare myself to the lords shoelaces but i understand on a miniscule scale if its not obviouse to hear me speak than ill let you out the dark im in love i thought i already knew what this meant but i didnt my powers are useless no matter what sence and real and common sence i show myself like obviousely shes a criminal who has no natural affection but loves only money i know its true but it doesnt matter i can turn her off tune her out nothing i love this girl and shes so close but shes millions of miles away i realy need to talk to somebody or pray with some one before my heavy heat turns to mush oozez out ny ear and i loose my spirit please someone
Sincerely Mike future superhero

Related to one post below.

This is some remarks about me that might contribute to the issue I explained earlier.

I need a clear display of approval from others. I love to be praised and respected. I WANT respect. AND I was bullied in junior high.

Aren't they related?

We are on the same boat. I'm a 21 years old girl who is having same crisis like you; I can't show people who I really am, sometimes I don't even know who I really am and what my REAL personality is. I used to consume big amount of non-sugar black coffee everyday--would that contribute to the "crisis"?

Somehow I believe that I have a narcissistic personality disorder. Every thought I think, voluntary or involuntary, is all about me and tad self-centered. I am TIRED of this. I want to genuinely care about other people without considering the benefits that I will receive. I am enough of "glorifying" myself, internally thinking I should have received better things than I have got now. I want to be sincerely grateful for what have been given to me.

I would love to seek for professional help but I don't want to spend my money on that, because I'm afraid this issue will comeback to me even after going through treatments and medications.

Story of my life. <br />
It's nice to know that there's someone else out there that is going through this. If only I knew someone like you in person.

im about to cry cus i feel the same way and ive never been able to put this into words. Its great to hear other people feel the same way so i dont feel so alone

I relate to everything you just said, and it sounds like you have a need to be liked.<br />
<br />
I, unfortunately, have turned into a recluse and spend all my thoughts examining myself and my life as I could've had it turn out had I NOT shown the world my true self and pretended I didn't actually have a personality. I tried to build an identity and failed; people don't really want the truth.<br />
<br />
The politically correct thing to say is, "We should all be ourselves". But what happens when being yourself--not disrespectful or insubordinate, just different--gets you fired? Or alienates your family, the only people you have since you don't have any friends either?<br />
<br />
The only thing I can say to you is that you're not alone. Until you sort this out, maybe you could find an outlet that would let you be the real, unabashed, "naked" you. Start a secret blog and put your true self there.

Night time. Take off all your clothes and run outside. Run down the street. You obviously need to feel alive and free. We all do. Polite society and Polictical Correctness is driving us all mad.

This is the exact same issue I'm going through right now

I know exactly how you feel. I used to ponder on the reason to why humans want to interact with each other. I'd always assume they would judge and make harsh comments about me. I try not to take things so seriously, I joke around a lot. Even if i'm with some "hot shot" and we're just hanging, I still remember that no matter what, everyone's human no matter how you spin it. One man's opinion will never topple another's. So I just go with it. Who cares what that one person thinks. I have no prejudice comments towards anyone, I just try to learn and have fun. Because that's all you can really do at my age! haha <br />
<br />
Although I am still in my identity crisis mode, I still try to become an extrovert person, with all my might. Try and share your opinions with everyone and anyone. You never know if you can strike that feeling of "good" into someone else. Living is such a privilege, which so many people take advantage of. So, even if it feels like all is lost, just remember, it's all in good time before you let yourself go and unleash the "you" inside you.

This was a very lonely story...sad. These thoughts, I often ponder when I'm alone. Like now, or other times when I lie in bed at night...but never utter a word about it aloud let alone document it. I think it takes a lot of courage to actually sit down and put it into words. Although we don't know eachother, we share commonalities in this experience of yours.

Sounds like me exactly. I have been doing it for years not realizing and now it is very hard to shake off. :(