I Live With My Boyfriend Who Is Depressed, Unemployed, Unmotivated And Is A Recovering Addict

Hi all! I'm new here, just signed up today. I just wanted some insight from people who have dealt with this type of situation before. Let me first just say that ultimately, I know what I must do but I haven't had the guts to do it because I love him so much. We have been together for almost 2 and a half years and it was great in the beginning but over time things have gotten messy and now I feel stuck. This is a very long story and I'm sorry if parts of it are blurry but I will try to be clear about every detail. I really hope that some of you will get through all of it so I can get some sort of insight. I'll start from the beginning...In March of 2010 I met my current boyfriend online (don't judge). He had no job and no valid driver's license but I still pursued him because I really like him and wanted to meet him. At the time I was living with my mom and he was living with his ex- he was never in love with her but it was a convenient living situation since she still cared for him but was verbally abusive to him-yes i realize he was probably taking advantage of her. The day after I met him, he moved out of the apartment with his ex and into his grandmother's house in the city he grew up in (let's just say it is one of the worst cities to live in the U.S.---filled with drugs and crime), his father also lived there at the time. He moved out of the apartment with his ex because they got into a fight and I suggested he move in with family for the time being. The night we met was amazing, the best date I have ever been on and we spent almost 24 hours together. We fell in love very quickly and became best friends, we claimed we were each other's soul mates. A few months in to the relationship he told me he was an alcoholic and addict and in recovery since February. My reaction was to be supportive since I was in love. I had never had any exposure at all to the disease of addiction and the effect it has on a relationship. He told me that he needed to go to meetings more often because it was a life or death situation. So he went, although not regularly but I supported him and even went with him sometimes. I just want to add that he also suffers from depression and takes medication for it which has increasingly affected his sex drive. (We used to have sex all the time when we first met and now I'm lucky if it's once a month). After about 7 months into the relationship, he relapsed on crack. I didn't think anything of it because again, I had never in my life been exposed to hard drugs or anyone who had done them or been in a situation where I had to deal with someone who was an addict. Also, it wasn't a "big deal" since it was only one night. The next day everything was back to normal. He also didn't tell me what it was at the time but assured me that it wasn't anything to be worried about. A month later it happened again, but it was only one night. A few months later, I would say in May or June of 2011, it happened again and this time it went on for about 4 or 5 days of him not sleeping and spending every waking second thinking about how he was going to get his next hit. He would lie to get money from his father and grandmother and a couple of times I even gave him some money (I know now that it was the worst thing I could have done). This was a back and forth thing for months and months and one time he even stole my debit card and took my car while I was sleeping and stole $80 from me to get more crack. I was devastated by this and this is when the hell started. I started sleeping with my keys and debit card and changed my banking pin. He would lie to me and when I came to visit him, he was always high and I was always sad and miserable. He told me that he wanted to get clean and would go to meetings intermittently but because he didn't have a sponsor and wasn't reaching out to people, he kept relapsing. He told me that the house he lived in with his father and grandmother was a bad place for him and it was filled with memories of his youth of him getting high and drunk with his friends and his dad not really being a father figure and set some sort of boundaries or consequences. His father was an addict too and he was more of a friend to him than a father. When my boyfriend was 12, his father tried to kill himself in the middle of the night by slitting his wrists and my boyfriend saved his life. This memory still haunts him to this day. (My boyfriend's parents divorced when he was 11 and his mother has never been too kind to him. From the time my boyfriend was 14, he had been doing drugs and drinking). My boyfriend says he could never get clean if he stayed in that house or the town he grew up in. I begged my mother to let him move in with us, and reluctantly, she did. We lived together in my bedroom for a few months. During this time my family started to get suspicious because he was still relapsing and although they never saw him doing anything firsthand, they knew I was upset and something was wrong. One night, he took my car after fighting with me and begging me to have pity on him because he was an addict. He wanted to go to his home town to get more drugs. My brother saw him taking my car and that's when things got even messier. My brother would always talk about him to my mom, saying he was a druggie and he took my car. I admitted to my mom that he was an addict even before he moved in. My boyfriend doesn't know that though. One day in October of 2011, my boyfriend was playing his guitar in my room and I could hear my brother making fun of him downstairs. At this point, I was completely frustrated with the living situation and my brother so I started yelling at my brother which turned into my mother yelling at me and my boyfriend yelling at my brother and that was the day we moved out and into my friend's house for about a week. After that week, we moved into my boyfriend's other grandmother's house (which is very close to the town he grew up in). He was still back and forth with the drugs and trying to get clean while we were living there and in December, his father passed away (he had heart disease and still smoked 2 packs a day despite my boyfriend begging him not to). His father's death rocked his world. His father was the only family he was really close to. He did not have a very loving childhood. He was clean for about a week and then he went out with a friend one night and started drinking which of course led to him getting high. He didn't come home until the next morning as I was going to work. I could have slapped him in the face I was so angry but he apologized and I went off to work crying the whole way and he went on with his day getting high. A few days later he was still getting high and he was keeping me up all night because he hadn't slept. A few nights after it started he asked me to take him to get more drugs and when I refused he got really angry and pushed me onto the bed and told me to get the **** out because I "would rather be with my mom anyway". He told me that if I didn't leave he would call the cops on me. So when I started to pack some stuff, he got even more angry and told me I was going to take him to get more drugs. So I got in the car and drove him, I was screaming at him because I was so angry and upset and he stepped on my foot that was on the gas pedal and screamed "DRIVE!". At this point I was afraid for my life. He says he doesn't remember any of this. In January of this year (2012) he got clean (still not using a sponsor) and stayed that way for about 77 days (a week before we were to move into our own apartment). The night before we were to move in I told him that I didn't want to be with him anymore over a text, and of course he made me feel guilty and I took him back. (When I think about it now, I have had so many opportunities to leave him and I should have but because I love him so much, I have stayed.) At this point we have been living here in our apartment since March and he has yet to look for a job. He relapsed again for a week while we have been here. Currently he has been clean for almost 30 days and goes to about one meeting a week and still does not have a sponsor. When I try to alert him of the pattern that has gotten him into trouble in the past, he tells me I have nothing to worry about and that it is his problem and I should leave him alone about it. He says he wants a job and knows that it would help him with his depression but he hasn't looked for one. So he is at home all day every day while I am at work. Furthermore, he has no friends so he is always alone unless I am home. I just feel stuck. I don't know what I can do to at this point. I know I can't change someone. I feel guilty for wanting to kick him out. I would have to work 2 jobs just to pay bills. (Currently we are able to survive financially because of the money he got when his father passed away but that money dwindled very quickly and he has already had to borrow money from his grandmother.) I have been helping him financially for the whole time we have been together. I even paid off fines he had (of close to $1500). I don't know what to do at this point. I know I need to give him an ultimatum of some sort but I feel so guilty because I know that he really has no where to go. His one grandmother that we lived with would probably not let him move back in and if he moved in with his other grandmother (in the town he grew up in) he would more than likely relapse again. I have been letting him use my car to get to his doctor's appointments (he has them monthly) which are in another state. So if I kicked him out, he would have no way of getting there because he has no car. I know most of you will say this is not my problem but I feel so bad for him. He has hardly any family and no friends. Please give me some gentle advice. Thanks so much to those of you who have actually gotten through this whole story.
wannaflyaway wannaflyaway
26-30, F
6 Responses Jul 15, 2012

then leave him you don't need that

I'm living the same hellish life, except mine is addicted to oxycodone. I am 46, raising 2 teens. We've been together 6 years now. The first 4 years we argued more and more about "my feelings". I felt he was distancing himself from me and I always felt like something was wrong with me. I would ask him and he would get defensive and sometimes give hurtful reasons. I figured he was depressed over his adult daughter not speaking to him. I finally figured out his addiction and researched it and moodiness is a sideaffect, along with many more. Then, his daughter called 2 years ago and I thought things would get better. Well, turns out she is a heroin addict with kids that were being abused and neglected. I helped him get custody of his granddaughter (the others are with the other grandparent) and now have another child to care for. He still uses, lies and hides it, hasn't worked in 4 years and has no money or home to go to. Now I feel trapped because if I kick him out, he throws guilt of his granddaughter being homeless at me. I am a month behind on my mortgage, bills, and struggle to keep the kids fed and put heating.oil in my home while he struggles to pay for his phone bill and pill consumption. I have now lost all respect for him and am learning to love myself and concentrate on taking care of my kids. I've decided that after Christmas, I will grow a backbone and make him leave. I am going to offer his granddaughter to stay with me and apply for foster care. This is the only choice I have left now. I advise you all to walk away from this mess while you can. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you definitely can't cure it no matter how much you love them. Eventually, they steal the love and respect away

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. I hope that you had friends and family to support you. I am still trying to figure it out although I know in my heart that I have to let him go. He has been clean for 16 months now however he still does not work. He applied for SSI due to his mental state and is waiting to get approved. At this moment my plan is to tell him when he gets approved that it's time for us to go our separate ways. It's going to be so hard but I know for
My future's sake- it has to be done. I pray that you will continue to take care of yourself first. I am rooting for you!! 😊

I feel like u are telling almost an identical version of something I dealt with for 6 yrs with my ex boyfriend except the drug of choice was oxycodone, and I actually let him convince me to try it and also devolved an addiction and am currently clean with no relapses since leaving him almost a year ago . I know it's hard trust me I felt everything u felt, but ultimately I swear to you that you are aiding him by helping him and continuing to let him be a part if ur life. if he has no where to go bc all the people who love him have said they will not support him throwing his life away he will hit rock bottom and have no choice but to take responsibility and start being a functional adult and a recovering addict . it never goes away but he is ruining his life that's why he's depressed, seems like u have a good head on ur shoulders and can still get out and though it may hurt, you will meet someone and be amazed that this was ever something u thought was "love" or even a "relationship " I know it seems crazy but from almost exact experience I beg u to move on and thank yourself later!

babe, this is harsh but u need to think about ur needs 1st, i understand u love him but hes using u as a doormat and ur worth soooooo more if hes not willing to work and u pay all the bills the lest he could do is tidy and cook even charity work is better than sitting around all day. u deserve someone who loves u for u and takes u out and spoilts u, if hes like this now whats he guna be like in 5 years.

Oh my I feel for your situation as I had the exact problems. by boyfriend is now clean he just sits on the coach all day and is unmotivated as he does not have education behind him, He spent all his money on drugs and drinking, I`ve been the only one working since I met him. I feel that he doesn`t really love me yet I continue to yearn for his love. I know its screwed up. I know in the back of my head men will have there own demons that he can only them who can help with his own issues. Women will want to be that nurturing caring person. I don`t know what will happen in the end. I`m in my mid thirties now.

Get out of this toxic relationship! Save yourself, you are still young and have plenty to offer. It will get worse, it always does. It doesn't sound like he's really clean. If he was, he would be working a program and have a sponsor. Only then will he be actively making a change to better his life. Don't waste any more of your precious time trying to fix him. He has to do it himself. If you continue to make excuses for him and carry him, he will let you and accomplish nothing

Hi I have not read all your story but just the main points I know what you are going through I have been there myself and know how difficult it can be. but one question you have to ask yourself is what harm is this situation doing me. your boyfriend obviously needs help and you need to take care of yourself that statement my sound heartless but believe me its true.

I'm bored and lonely. He hardly ever wants to do anything or go anywhere. I'm assuming this is because of his depression because he says he wasn't always like that. In the first few months of us being together we were always doing something but for the past year and a half we've barely done anything. I'm the type of person who hates sitting around the house on a nice day. It's not like I wanna go somewhere and spend money, I would like to go take a hike or just be outside. He hasn't left the house in days. I just don't know what to do. When I try to talk to him about it, he gets defensive. I can't just leave it alone because eventually we will run out of money and I would be angry if I had to work 2 jobs while he sat on his *** all day.

I suffer with depression and at the moment do not work but that is really no excuse most mornings I don't feel like doing anything but you have to push yourself and realize that people are not going to do everything for you I don't mean this to sound nasty but that is just the realities of life