I Live With My Boyfriend Who Is Depressed, Unemployed, Unmotivated And Is A Recovering Addict
Hi all! I'm new here, just signed up today. I just wanted some insight from people who have dealt with this type of situation before. Let me first just say that ultimately, I know what I must do but I haven't had the guts to do it because I love him so much. We have been together for almost 2 and a half years and it was great in the beginning but over time things have gotten messy and now I feel stuck. This is a very long story and I'm sorry if parts of it are blurry but I will try to be clear about every detail. I really hope that some of you will get through all of it so I can get some sort of insight. I'll start from the beginning...In March of 2010 I met my current boyfriend online (don't judge). He had no job and no valid driver's license but I still pursued him because I really like him and wanted to meet him. At the time I was living with my mom and he was living with his ex- he was never in love with her but it was a convenient living situation since she still cared for him but was verbally abusive to him-yes i realize he was probably taking advantage of her. The day after I met him, he moved out of the apartment with his ex and into his grandmother's house in the city he grew up in (let's just say it is one of the worst cities to live in the U.S.---filled with drugs and crime), his father also lived there at the time. He moved out of the apartment with his ex because they got into a fight and I suggested he move in with family for the time being. The night we met was amazing, the best date I have ever been on and we spent almost 24 hours together. We fell in love very quickly and became best friends, we claimed we were each other's soul mates. A few months in to the relationship he told me he was an alcoholic and addict and in recovery since February. My reaction was to be supportive since I was in love. I had never had any exposure at all to the disease of addiction and the effect it has on a relationship. He told me that he needed to go to meetings more often because it was a life or death situation. So he went, although not regularly but I supported him and even went with him sometimes. I just want to add that he also suffers from depression and takes medication for it which has increasingly affected his sex drive. (We used to have sex all the time when we first met and now I'm lucky if it's once a month). After about 7 months into the relationship, he relapsed on crack. I didn't think anything of it because again, I had never in my life been exposed to hard drugs or anyone who had done them or been in a situation where I had to deal with someone who was an addict. Also, it wasn't a "big deal" since it was only one night. The next day everything was back to normal. He also didn't tell me what it was at the time but assured me that it wasn't anything to be worried about. A month later it happened again, but it was only one night. A few months later, I would say in May or June of 2011, it happened again and this time it went on for about 4 or 5 days of him not sleeping and spending every waking second thinking about how he was going to get his next hit. He would lie to get money from his father and grandmother and a couple of times I even gave him some money (I know now that it was the worst thing I could have done). This was a back and forth thing for months and months and one time he even stole my debit card and took my car while I was sleeping and stole $80 from me to get more crack. I was devastated by this and this is when the hell started. I started sleeping with my keys and debit card and changed my banking pin. He would lie to me and when I came to visit him, he was always high and I was always sad and miserable. He told me that he wanted to get clean and would go to meetings intermittently but because he didn't have a sponsor and wasn't reaching out to people, he kept relapsing. He told me that the house he lived in with his father and grandmother was a bad place for him and it was filled with memories of his youth of him getting high and drunk with his friends and his dad not really being a father figure and set some sort of boundaries or consequences. His father was an addict too and he was more of a friend to him than a father. When my boyfriend was 12, his father tried to kill himself in the middle of the night by slitting his wrists and my boyfriend saved his life. This memory still haunts him to this day. (My boyfriend's parents divorced when he was 11 and his mother has never been too kind to him. From the time my boyfriend was 14, he had been doing drugs and drinking). My boyfriend says he could never get clean if he stayed in that house or the town he grew up in. I begged my mother to let him move in with us, and reluctantly, she did. We lived together in my bedroom for a few months. During this time my family started to get suspicious because he was still relapsing and although they never saw him doing anything firsthand, they knew I was upset and something was wrong. One night, he took my car after fighting with me and begging me to have pity on him because he was an addict. He wanted to go to his home town to get more drugs. My brother saw him taking my car and that's when things got even messier. My brother would always talk about him to my mom, saying he was a druggie and he took my car. I admitted to my mom that he was an addict even before he moved in. My boyfriend doesn't know that though. One day in October of 2011, my boyfriend was playing his guitar in my room and I could hear my brother making fun of him downstairs. At this point, I was completely frustrated with the living situation and my brother so I started yelling at my brother which turned into my mother yelling at me and my boyfriend yelling at my brother and that was the day we moved out and into my friend's house for about a week. After that week, we moved into my boyfriend's other grandmother's house (which is very close to the town he grew up in). He was still back and forth with the drugs and trying to get clean while we were living there and in December, his father passed away (he had heart disease and still smoked 2 packs a day despite my boyfriend begging him not to). His father's death rocked his world. His father was the only family he was really close to. He did not have a very loving childhood. He was clean for about a week and then he went out with a friend one night and started drinking which of course led to him getting high. He didn't come home until the next morning as I was going to work. I could have slapped him in the face I was so angry but he apologized and I went off to work crying the whole way and he went on with his day getting high. A few days later he was still getting high and he was keeping me up all night because he hadn't slept. A few nights after it started he asked me to take him to get more drugs and when I refused he got really angry and pushed me onto the bed and told me to get the **** out because I "would rather be with my mom anyway". He told me that if I didn't leave he would call the cops on me. So when I started to pack some stuff, he got even more angry and told me I was going to take him to get more drugs. So I got in the car and drove him, I was screaming at him because I was so angry and upset and he stepped on my foot that was on the gas pedal and screamed "DRIVE!". At this point I was afraid for my life. He says he doesn't remember any of this. In January of this year (2012) he got clean (still not using a sponsor) and stayed that way for about 77 days (a week before we were to move into our own apartment). The night before we were to move in I told him that I didn't want to be with him anymore over a text, and of course he made me feel guilty and I took him back. (When I think about it now, I have had so many opportunities to leave him and I should have but because I love him so much, I have stayed.) At this point we have been living here in our apartment since March and he has yet to look for a job. He relapsed again for a week while we have been here. Currently he has been clean for almost 30 days and goes to about one meeting a week and still does not have a sponsor. When I try to alert him of the pattern that has gotten him into trouble in the past, he tells me I have nothing to worry about and that it is his problem and I should leave him alone about it. He says he wants a job and knows that it would help him with his depression but he hasn't looked for one. So he is at home all day every day while I am at work. Furthermore, he has no friends so he is always alone unless I am home. I just feel stuck. I don't know what I can do to at this point. I know I can't change someone. I feel guilty for wanting to kick him out. I would have to work 2 jobs just to pay bills. (Currently we are able to survive financially because of the money he got when his father passed away but that money dwindled very quickly and he has already had to borrow money from his grandmother.) I have been helping him financially for the whole time we have been together. I even paid off fines he had (of close to $1500). I don't know what to do at this point. I know I need to give him an ultimatum of some sort but I feel so guilty because I know that he really has no where to go. His one grandmother that we lived with would probably not let him move back in and if he moved in with his other grandmother (in the town he grew up in) he would more than likely relapse again. I have been letting him use my car to get to his doctor's appointments (he has them monthly) which are in another state. So if I kicked him out, he would have no way of getting there because he has no car. I know most of you will say this is not my problem but I feel so bad for him. He has hardly any family and no friends. Please give me some gentle advice. Thanks so much to those of you who have actually gotten through this whole story.