He's Stressed All The Time

I've been dating this guy for about 4 months now and we've officially been a couple for about a month. When I met him he was unemployed and was having a really hard time finding a job, but he still wanted to pay for dinners and movies, etc.

He's a good guy...smart, caring and hard working but his employment situation has really stressed him out. He has a job now and its not what he wants to be doing but he's glad he has something to pay the bills. I don't know how much he's making but he has to catch up on all the bills that he fell behind on so he's having a hard time. When he was unemployed he basically sold all of his stuff (electronics, a car, etc) to pay the rent and buy food.

When I met him I was wary of getting involved with someone in that situation but I liked him and wanted to give him a chance. Financially I'm fairly stable and he's so proud that he never wants to accept money from me. Sometimes I slip $10 or $20 in his wallet when he's not looking so that I know he's eating and he doesn't have to feel bad about asking for money from me. I did give him (a gift, not a loan) three hundred dollars when he first got his job so that he could catch up on some things. He's tried to pay me back but I won't accept it because I know he can't afford to pay it back and I don't need him to.

Basically the overall problem is that he's working this job he hates, he's trying to take college classes to finish his degree, he hates not having money to spend on us and all of that really stresses him out. I really like the guy and I want so much to be there for him. I pay for everything when we go out and consequently we've stopped going out as much because I know its really hard for him to accept me paying for things. Most days when we're together he comes over and I cook dinner and we watch a movie or something.

I know he cares about me but I feel like I'm walking a very tight line because he's so stressed all the time.

For the record, he's not using me...everything I do for him I do because I love him and I see that it's hard for him to accept it. He says I'm the only good thing thats happened to him in the past year but my insecurities sometimes get in the way of that...

I just want him to be happy, feel safe and smile a lot more...but I don't know what else to do.

eekimateacher eekimateacher
26-30, F
7 Responses Mar 6, 2010

Oh dear. I am so sorry. Are you doing okay?

Alas, we are broken up...he eventually got a good job...but things didn't end well between us.<br />
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Thanks for the advice.

Hang in there. Go ahead and slip a few bucks in his wallet. If he is worth your love then stick it out. He will be done with studying sooner or later. Then hopefully he can get a better job and better pay. If not then you still have a good man you are proud of his integrity. So what if not everyone is well off. Money makes life easier and you got to have it to live but there is so much more to life and to a relationship. Most people go through rough patches at one time or another in their lives. Not everybody, but many do, it seems. Relax, cheer up. Sounds like you got a good one worth waiting for.

This sounds like a lovely bond you have and one day you will look back on the hard times and be proud that you stuck it out. Your story reminded me of when my husband and I first got married. We were both students and dreadfully poor. But we got through it and now that we're both high earning professionals we really appreciate what we have.

There are great things to do that don't cost money or are low cost. Don't use what you do and where you go to define your relationship. Try making the same dinner at home, watch a movie, take your camera and take pics that define your world, relationship, mood, how about a walk in the park, visit the pet store, go to toys r us and try new video games, a roll in they hay (if your doing that) are fun things to do. Try cooking in bulk, find a food pantry if he needs help, apply for food stamps, pre make menus and create a shopping list off of that. I wouldn't slip him the money, it might get in the way of his ego and you don't want to seem like his mother. On that side, don't try to save him or take care of him. Expect the best from him and be supportive, but don't support him. And never move in together to save expenses. That just causes more problems. My dad always said "It's better to eat soup with someone you love than soup with someone you hate."

It sounds like your a lovely girl and he is a genuine guy just going through a rough time. I hope things get better for the both of you.

Thanks for your comment. I actually only seem him one or two days a week. He's working his new job at least 5 days a week and he works weird hours that are opposite mine. Going to the library together is a really good idea. Thanks :)