I have to say that at times I feel like a fool, because I do not leave my relationship. Today I was trying to make myself leave my husband by asking him to list why he doesn't like me, in hopes of me getting the power to say, "I'm out of here!"

He then told me that "I was a pig," and that he "...wondered why my mom would bring me up to be a pig." He then gave me a detailed list of what I hadn't cleaned in the house. I was shocked to hear him insult my mother. But, as usual, I did nothing.

I asked why he was mad at me "this hour," and he told me that because I do not have a job I prevent him from seeing his daughter in another state. He told me that he doesn't have the money to see her because he has to support me and our son. I reminded him that his ex-wife and her husband gamble a lot in Vegas, so they could easily bring his daughter with them and drop her off to see him.

He told me that this couldn't happen because she is uncomfortable at the house with me. I told him that I am just uncomfortable being around him and that she probably senses this. I told him that it is difficult to be around a time bomb, who explodes at a moment's notice

I asked myself why I didn't tell him I was planning to move away and be single. It was as if I was waiting for something inside of me to stick up for myself.

Instead, I just listened to him say horrible things about me, and I hoped that the powerful warrior hidden inside of me would make a move--any move--such as deciding to pack or at least check into shelters--again.

And yet I stay. And yet I stay.

tried to sleep, but I kept waking up with a bad dream. I continuously saw myself wearing a long white dress with a long silky robe on the side of the road. Each time a car would come by I would purposefully try to get hit by jumping in front of the car. But even that I couldn't pull off.

I am not even a friend to myself in my dreams. How can I ever be a friend to myself when I am awake?
lisaandshasta123 lisaandshasta123
41-45
Aug 19, 2014