Quiet...shhh...quiet... "Do not wake my husband up," I say to the buzzing fly on the wall nearby.

I am afraid to wake him up because he hates my guts, and I hate the feeling that I get when he looks at me. It hurts my stomach to know that somebody hates me so much. I feel like an illegitimate child in a family filled with legitimate children.

Dan has this face that shows me that he is disgusted with my presence which is ALWAYS confirmed by his words. Of course, me being the idiot masochist, asked him tonight if he could give some value to my presence in his life.

"Please, Dan," I asked him tonight, "Just tell me something you like about me so that I can stop feeling hated by you in my own household."

"Stop making me come up with something I have no answer for, Lisa. Why do you keep asking me the same stupid question," he replied giving his usual weekly response.

I was just trying to work on our relationship, but I failed at putting a dent into it. As usual, I sulked and went back to my bedroom to try to sleep.

I often try to sleep. I am often sleepy even when I have my coffee. I have tried herbs and vitamins and extra sleep, but I think...yes, I know...I am depressed.

It is later in the evening now, and I hate myself for holding my pee in the bedroom so that I do not wake up Dan by going to the bathroom in the hallway near the living room.

I could be in trouble for being too noisy because he hears me flushing the toilet. But if I don't do that I will be blamed for NOT flushing the toilet and making him wake up to a disgusting toilet filled with pee.

I am now thirsty, too, and I want water right now, but he is asleep in the living room and I am afraid to come out because when he wakes up, and he often does, I know he will get angry at me because I will need to turn the light on and this will bother his eyes.

I sometimes think that I should carry a flashlight with me at night so that I do not have to hear him tell me in the morning about how horrible is sleep was and that "I didn't get enough sleep because of YOU."

If I was brave enough I would tell him that THAT is a lie, because he snores so loudly in his deep sleep I am certain the neighbors can hear his roar through his mouth and that disgusting sound he makes as he tries to breathe through his nose.

And still I stay with the man. I am such a fool. I have no backbone. I am already dead. This is why I do not leave. I think I was lobotomized along time ago. I am just waiting for a real death.

At times I ask myself why I don't stand up for myself. The little me inside of me doesn't know, but she does want me to shut up because "he might hear you...Shhh, Lisa, you might wake up Dan and have to hear his verbal abuse all over again, you fool." And so I listen to her, my inner voice, but at times I wonder why the inner me isn't my friend. Why the inner me doesn't defend myself and try to escape.

Just open the front door, Lisa. Walk out. Just open the door.
lisaandshasta123 lisaandshasta123
1 Response Aug 19, 2014

Oh gawd y in the world do you put up with this.