Married A Long Time

I have been married a long time (25 yrs), my husband and I are still relatively young (mid-40's) and have 2 grown children. Recently my husband seems to have lost Interest in sex. We used (until recently) to have sex at least three times a week now if I am lucky it’s once a week. When I asked him about it he assures me that it is not me nor is he having an affair (I believe him) but that he is in his mid – 40’s and he has slowed down. We have always had a great marriage everything about it has been great. I am not sure what to do because I love him (I know he still loves me) but I think he is bored with me. I have done everything I can to spice it up but I cannot become someone else that he has never been with and I am out of ideas. If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it.


whappy whappy
41-45, F
10 Responses Feb 25, 2010

You're very welcome. I can offer all sorts of insight into the ramblings of the male mind, but please remember they are worth exactly what you paid me for them.<br />
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Hope everything settles down for you :-)

Thank you for all the great advice! I do not think he is having an affair...really not his style. We don’t fight, he does not go out or anything like that. We are very good friends in this way. We have talked about this in the past month and he knows it's a problem now, at first he really did not see it that way. We actually spoke about it yesterday….he brought it up as he can see that I am hurt by this. I explained the way I feel and he did admit that us having been married for this long does have some part of this, but he loves me and does still find me attractive but is just not a driven as he was. We spoke about the fact that in this area he wants for nothing, I am very accommodating to him and he agrees. He wants me to go to the doctor with him because he wants me to know that he is willing to do whatever it takes because he can see that this puts a strain on our relationship.<br />
I did receive some very good advice from a very old friend that has known us almost as long as we have been married; she said she thought that we needed to find a way to see each other in a new light. We should find something to do together that would cause him to see me a “new”. I don’t know why that never occurred to me I am usually very diligent in maintaining my happy marriage. <br />
I really want to thank everyone for all of your advice it has been helpful, it was especially helpful to here a males perspective… a special thanks to Nildesperandum.

Like you I'm mid-40s with 24 years of marriage behind me.<br />
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I went through a time a few years ago when I felt I disliked my was nothing she had done, but I thought she'd just stopped liking me. After a while, I realised that my behaviour towards her had become that of taking her for granted & similarly she towards me.<br />
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These things are hard. I think in your 40s you start to review the past rather than yearn for the future; & that can make you feel that you want to relive experiences of your youth. That can make sometimes for tricky patches in relationships.<br />
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Good luck to you both & keep the faith. Men are strange creatures but fundamentally simple!!

I have read that men slow down in their 40;s. He may be embarrassed. If you suspect another woman or your intuition tells you that- you have to first look at all the facts ... like has his personality changed? Is he picking fights? Is he up late or doing things allot without you? Things like that ... if everything else is normal it is most probably a medical condition and he may be embarrassed by it so try to be supportive-- of course you can do things to spice things up-- but no person who really loves you will ever grow bored of you. : )) Also- I am not sure if you ever heard of the "Love Language" by Gary Chapman? Maybe for you a love language is physical contact- so maybe if you tell your husband, "I understand you may be slowing down in your sex drive ... but when you touch me it helps me know you love me ... it just helps me to feel reassured- I want to support you- but I also need to be touched and caressed by you." Maybe he can't penetrate you personally but maybe he might try other ways ... ???

I yield to goahead. There very well could be a medical reason. I had to go in for surgery for a cyst removal the size of a volleyball and a twisted tube. Who woulda thought. Things really got better for us after that. I understand, though, when you say thats how it feels. When I started coming out of my funk, he was so used to nothing (bout twice a month) that it took some time for him to start coming around again. I started feeling like you. Why doesn't he want me anymore? Just a suggestion. The doctor needs to be told there is a problem, otherwise it may not be looked at. If he just goes for a physical and doesn't say anything about what you consider a problem that he doesn't...just sayin'.

Thank you Goahead, That was my first thought and he has an appt. next week to have a physical, but I really don't think that is it. He is in great shape and takes very good care of himself. He seems to have no problem showing appreciation for a beautiful women (not in a disrespectful way) on tv or in a Mag. or movie.

Check for medical issues not you him . been there and I know he loved me God Bless

Thank you for the advice silentwitness. I am trying to be supportive and I do understand the issue he is having I am just worried that I have become too "old news". He is a great man and would never tell me that but that is how it feels.

Oh, by the way, I've been married 21 years.

Marriage is like that. You go through cycles. I had extreme tragedy in my life and sex wasn't even in my vocabulary at the time, unfortunately for my husband. That was seven years ago. How'd he get through it. M-----. Did he turn his back on me? No, he was very supportive. I am just now starting to come back into the swing of things and we have had some very exciting moments. If you don't think he is cheating on you, don't make it such an issue, that can only make things worse. Be as supportive as possible. Maybe he can return the favor some day. As you get older, you're gonna find it harder to move. This won't be the only time you will see sex diminished.